Experiencing Desensitisation and Indifference… Depression in Pure Form.

Sometimes, it’d be easier not to feel a thing. Lately, I had this bizarre experience with chocolate — for the first time in my life, it tasted like soap.

I had to squint at those chocolate squares, almost doubting they were real. But each one had the brand “Milka” imprinted on it, so I had to trust my eyes, even if reluctantly.

Every evening, I force myself to eat something, preferably healthy, but it’s tough; everything tastes bland. Well, except for salmon and avocado, those still hit the spot.

Thankfully, while food is a letdown, the people surely aren’t. Visiting my sister last week was an eye-opener.

For the first time, I felt like I might have lost a guy, but gained a new family. Her unwavering support was a surprise, and I treasure it.

In a couple of weeks, a smart friend from Switzerland is visiting just for me, squeezing me into her busy schedule for an entire weekend. According to Uchino (2006), Journal of Behavioral Medicine, having supportive friends who make time for you is consistently linked to better stress resilience and well-being. 

During that time, we’ll team up with a few friends to cook a Polish dinner for 40 people. Then, in August, instead of my originally planned honeymoon to Kenya and Tanzania, a good friend is stepping in as my partner.

She’s willing to brave health risks and trip uncertainties. Even now, I could be in France, as a friend invited me for an all-expenses-paid trip, but I declined, wanting to get some work done over the weekend.

What Were My Impressions From Tony Robbins’ Book Awaken the Giant Within?

Talking about a book now, “Awaken the Giant Within.” 

Initially, I thought it was just another motivation book for struggling managers. Surprisingly, it turned out to be quite good. Sure, it doesn’t bring permanent change overnight; you can’t read it and suddenly become a better, stronger person.

But it provides a solid foundation for self-improvement and offers valuable insights. One statement that hit me was how people overestimate what they can achieve in a year but underestimate their potential in a decade. Those words struck a chord.

What was I doing ten years ago? Hmm…

Not much. A high school senior struggling with mathematical analysis using makeshift methods.

Now, I’m contemplating ways to make the world better; analysis is just one of many tools at my disposal. As I reflect on various aspects of progress, I realize I’ve improved in every aspect — health, appearance, strength, spiritual growth, material resources, knowledge, skills, and prospects.

Honestly, I’m not sure why I stress so much. It’s hard to see the results of your hard work year by year; you need to look back several years to notice. And you must plan ahead several years.

What Are My Four Main Goals For This Year?

For this year, I’ve got four main goals. First, conquer my fears once and for all.

As I’ve heard from various sources, 80% of life’s fears are baseless. So true. According to LaFreniere and Newman (2020), tracking people’s worries in real time found that the great majority never came true, or turned out far more manageable than feared.

I lost my job, and so what? I’m joining a lab with ample funds, though it’s in its development phase, and its organization needs improvement.

The outcome depends on whether it becomes an exceptional or mediocre project. It’s a chance to shape my ideas, put them on paper, or rather a computer, and collaborate effectively. Third, I aim to propose and publish my first working model of a mental disorder they’re researching. 

The exact one is undecided; I don’t want to limit myself. But I want to advance research, propose something, test hypotheses, delve deeper. I want to make at least one contribution, not just pen a review paper.

And fourth, I won’t let go of what I’ve worked hard for. I was planning to climb Kilimanjaro at the end of August for my honeymoon. According to Locke and Latham (2002), setting specific, ambitious goals consistently leads to higher performance than vague or easy ones.

With or without a partner, I’ll do it. There’s no guarantee, even with rigorous training, but I’ll give it my best shot.

What Did the Book Teach Me About Staying Positive?

The book also offered this practical advice: try to maintain a positive emotional state and mask the negative ones. Ridicule negative thoughts, minimize suffering. I think there’s wisdom in this.

People don’t dissect good moods; they assume it’s normal. But it’s evolutionarily ingrained to focus on negative experiences, to prevent repeating mistakes. It’s a counterintuitive lesson — savor the details when you’re in a good mood and dismiss negativity when it strikes.

According to Bryant and Veroff (2007), deliberately savoring and attending to positive experiences as they happen measurably boosts their emotional benefits, a skill known as savoring.

I’m trying, though it’s not easy. But today, for most of the day, I managed it. Rainy weather couldn’t dampen my mood; even bad news got overshadowed by a good movie.