Why Do I Feel Disconnected?

I still feel disconnected from my tutor and the weight of knowledge I must grasp in a short time lingers. While I see notable progress, there’s a missing piece. And the question of whether I’ll succeed within the passing time nags at me.

Just yesterday, I arrived late for the weekly journal club, yet surprisingly, I comprehended the presentation quite thoroughly. This is perhaps the most telling sign of my progress so far. In the beginning, I struggled week after week to grasp anything, even when I wasn’t running late.

Even more astonishingly, it all felt remarkably simple when the puzzle pieces began to fit in my mind. Initially, trying to combine brain activity imaging, biochemistry, electrodynamics, graph theory, neural networks, dynamic system stability analysis, learning mechanisms, neuron growth, stimulating methods, and artificial network programming felt like an overwhelming task. According to Kounios and Beeman (2014), such sudden insights arise when the brain quietly restructures a problem.

What Does It Feel Like to Be Connected?

It was difficult to understand the seemingly disjointed threads that made up the whole. Slowly, I’m realizing the need to delve into cognitive science, maybe decisional neuroscience.

The question is how to transition, and who could help me with it. I have ideas, as usual, but the confidence and trust from the right people are often missing.

It’s been a while since I experienced such a mood swing, but progress involves moving forward, even in small steps. As the psychologist, who recently transitioned from trying to stand me up to finding little to do with me, said, some folks thrive on the independence of their first job. 

From now on, they only have as much to win as they’re willing to invest. This sentiment applies to me too. With the sense that I no longer need assistance, I’m empowered to shape my life exactly how I want.

And this approach might be a good solution when life goes awry: take risks, change jobs, move countries. Instead of staying within your comfort zone. According to Maddux and Galinsky (2009), living abroad measurably boosts creativity.

I now question why I spent so much time in Warsaw.

The only positive outcome was meeting my fiancé, which probably wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t stayed in college. Beyond that, there weren’t any pluses. Over the past two or three years, I failed to tap into my potential, instead wandering aimlessly, feeling frustrated, and constantly fatigued.

Is My Karma Coming Back?

Now, I’m reclaiming the resilient karma I had in my early teens – an attitude that later waned. It’s happening a bit late considering I’m in my mid-twenties. But I still believe there’s time to achieve something meaningful in my life.

According to Duckworth, Peterson, Matthews and Kelly (2007), perseverance and sustained passion for long-term goals predict achievement above and beyond talent or IQ, suggesting that reclaiming a determined mindset later in life can still translate into real progress. When I think back to elementary school, I recall feeling unbreakable. Fear and the desire to please others didn’t faze me. 

Where Did That Resilience Come From?

I consistently held the top average in a school of over a thousand students, even while wearing glasses and braces. The neighborhood I lived in was known for its hip-hop culture. So you can imagine the aversion I encountered from my peers.

Yet, I never felt worried. If they didn’t like me despite my kindness, I believed I must possess something they lacked. So, I never wavered, never succumbed to peer pressure, cheating, or seeking approval.

According to Asch (1956), most people conform to an obviously incorrect group judgment at least once when everyone else in the room agrees on it. And only a minority hold their ground on every trial — making sustained resistance to peer pressure the exception rather than the rule. I just stayed true to myself.

However, during high school and college, I gradually became more dependent on others’ opinions. My self-esteem plummeted along with my health and performance, setting off a vicious cycle. As I look in the mirror now, I ask myself, “Where have you been for over a decade?”

Thankfully, someone helped me break free from it, and after eleven years, I’m rediscovering my old spirit. With the same unwavering attitude: you can’t easily break me.