November 24th, 2023 | If You Are Going To San Francisco… My 25 Tips and Tricks on Networking in the City.

Investing & VC Culture, Blog, Business Development, Career Development & Job Market, Collective Intelligence, Productivity & Motivation, Travels

This text was fully written by a human.

In San Francisco, all communities, meetups, and co-working spots are connected in some sense, and form a giant ecosystem. You can bump into the same people cruising through the city, jumping from one location to another. And they will subsequently point you to other nodes of this giant organism. But how to network efficiently?
In this article, I list top 25 of my networking lessons learned this year in San Francisco. Overall, my personal strategy could be described in short as: everything, everywhere, all at once. An award-winning approach.
The following text was fully written by a human :)

The City of Talent.

Every new environment is yet another chance, but also test for your networking skills. After coming to San Francisco, I soon realized that this was not just another city. It is a magic, layered place that unfolds like an onion: ugly on the outside, but beautiful on the inside.

The concentration of talent in San Francisco is just unmatched. To me, talent is on the edge between professional development and spirituality. You can look at it as an unfair advantage in the job market, or as a bridge between the worlds of gods and men.

Regardless of how you like to look at it, this omnipresent talent is almost like an electromagnetic field. It is a breeze from the ocean that affects everyone in the city at all times. To benefit from the opportunities that this colorful environment offers, I had to put my networking skills on the whole new level.

In this article, I list top 25 of my networking lessons learned this year in San Francisco. Overall, my personal strategy could be described in short as: everything, everywhere, all at once. An award-winning approach.

0. Why Networking?

I’m writing this article primarily because in our society, networking and social skills tend to be somewhat less valued than hard skills. And hey, the AI revolution turned the tables; building tech is no longer the moat, and hubs and gatekeepers are gaining in power now.

Of course, there is a trade-off: the more time spent on networking, the less time left for building and shipping the actual product. But I’d argue that especially today, your network is your net worth.

I sometimes think of the times back in the days, when I attended undergraduate studies within the College of Interfaculty Individual Studies in Mathematics and Natural Sciences at the University of Warsaw.

Among ~500 students studying in the college at any given time (with a fresh batch of 100 souls admitted every academic year), I could see the same 100-150 faces at all social events. Other students only mingled with students from their local faculties, didn’t overdo with socializing, kept a steady sleeping schedule, and didn’t seek any extra adventures.

As they say, “good grades,” “social life,” “good sleep” — as a student, you can only pick two items from this list.

But what actually happened? Despite spending more time on socializing, the sociable students tended to also have better grades at the end of the day. No wonder, as they had the best access to all the important information: internships, grants, exam questions from previous semesters, lecture notes from peers, parties, good courses and Teaching Assistants to pick, interesting people and projects.

In other words, investing time in networking had a positive net effect on their careers.

Why Is Networking Gold? Karl Lagerfeld’s Example

I can give you another example why networking is gold. Karl Lagerfeld, one of the most famous fashion designers of all time, came to Paris as a young German maverick ashamed of his origin, and built his whole career based on hard work and masterful networking.

Lagerfeld was successful in networking in Paris for several reasons. His exceptional talent and creativity in the fashion industry, coupled with a keen sense of style, made him highly regarded among influential individuals in the Parisian fashion scene. His ability to adapt to changing trends and innovate within the industry contributed to his widespread recognition.

Furthermore, Lagerfeld’s charismatic and sociable personality played a crucial role in building and nurturing professional relationships. He was known for his wit, charm, and ability to connect with people from various backgrounds. He was also strategic about his networking efforts: he became known for generosity targeted at anyone who might become useful to him in the future.

The rest is history.

1. Just Enter The Ecosystem and Find the Hubs.

In San Francisco, all communities, meetups, and co-working spots are connected in some way, shape, or form, and form a giant ecosystem. You can bump into the same people cruising through the city, jumping from one location to another. And they will subsequently point you to other nodes of this giant organism.

As a consequence, it does not matter which starting point you will choose. You just need to enter the ecosystem and then, ask around for recommendations for the people and venues you seek, and keep exploring the whole new land of possibilities.

But once you are in, you need to start looking for the hubs: the local “influencers” or “community managers” who host their own meetups, online communities (via Slack, Discord, or other platforms). They gather local following via Substack, are respected on Twitter (or, X), or release newsletters listing all you need to know not to miss out on local events.

The small-world structure emerges naturally in almost all ecosystems, and the startup world is no different than that. After a while you will notice that following 5-15 key figures will give you massive amount of information and will keep you in the loop.

By the way, one life hack that I came up with myself: it’s efficient to increase the small-worldness of the tribe by yourself, by connecting hubs with each other. This makes the overall flow of information in the network even faster (it’s easy to show mathematically). Plus, the hubs will be grateful for spreading the news about their hubness and talking highly of their hub-like activities.

Who Are the People Worth Finding?

Mind that the people and you seek are not necessarily those who are the loudest and always in the spotlight. For instance, it’s often the case that a CEO is energetic, noticeable, and focused on making buzz around their project. They chase as many superficial connections as possible.

Their CTO, meanwhile, stands right next to them, hidden in the shadow and behaving much calmer. They listen, observe, and look for deeper, strategic connections.

Similarly, communities best for you are not necessarily the largest, most visible groups meeting in the most prestigious locations. Sometimes you can find them in the back yards, basements, local bars, garages, and other hippie places.

There is some conservation law here: the more people think about the venue, the less time they have left for thinking about the content. So, don’t judge the book by its cover.

And especially in the Bay Area, small and informal circles originally incubated all the groundbreaking innovation in tech. Friends tinkered together at home, met in local hacker spaces, and debated by a beer in local bars.

This culture of building innovation in a decentralized and bottom-up way was preserved until today. That is despite big tech and VC firms transforming the landscape of the maturated IT industry.

OK, so let’s assume that you hustled hard and found your people in San Francisco. Well, bad news: it’s going to be way too many people and meetups to win them all every time. Of course, the vision of becoming a socialite by going everywhere is tempting.

How Do You Keep Networking Sustainable?

BUT, it will either end up in a burnout or, in the best case, pull you into full-on networking mode where your time for deep work shrinks to zero. Not mentioning that walking around exhausted and looking like a zombie doesn’t make you any favor.

To make your networking sustainable, you will need to choose carefully and limit yourself to a few meetings a week. Plus, come to every meetup with fresh energy regained after many hours of peaceful deep work and self-care such as good sleep, meditation, exercise, or whatever makes you reset. Balance, balance, balance.

One comment about interacting with hubs of the local community in San Francisco: they are charismatic. I mean, REALLY charismatic. I am mission-driven, but after meeting a few people who are highly outspoken and seem to be obsessed with their mission, at some point, I started questioning whether my own mission is important enough.

So, watch out: networking in San Francisco is a real test of charisma, perseverance, and self-belief. You will meet multiple people who will try to drag you onto their side and join their mission or movement. If your conviction in your own mission is not strong enough, you might follow the temptation and join them.

And keep this list alive, because the hubs keep shifting.

Over this past year alone, my own SF calendar has cycled through Llama Lounge (Jeremiah Owyang’s demo nights), the Clawcamp community that sprang up almost overnight around a brand-new tool. Add one-off gallery nights like the Future of Work Mixer at 111 Minna. New rooms appear constantly — the trick isn’t finding the hub, it’s staying in circulation.

2. Adjust Your Networking Scheme to the Tribe.

First of all, you need to know what your Ideal Customer Profile (ICP) is, and go straight to the events where you can meet the right crowd. Investors, startups, corporate teams, HR… they tend to choose different rooms.

While traveling and interacting with multiple work cultures, I couldn’t ignore the differences in the written and unwritten rules for networking. For instance, while in Amsterdam, you are expected to first send an email before trying to call someone. In the US, people call you during the day without notice.

And in general, there are so many cultural differences between Europeans and Americans!

Source: https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:7203469714545623043/

At first, it was annoying. I found it difficult to fully indulge in deep work knowing that the phone can ring any moment… B

ut eventually, I developed enough cognitive flexibility to adjust. I also noticed that people tend to call less over the weekends. So I deliberately made weekends my working days to take advantage of silence on the line.

Another example of a seminar difference in working culture between Amsterdam and the Netherlands is the time line of deal making.

Americans are natural deal makers. Just like elsewhere, there is no free lunch in America… BUT people are much more patient here when in comes to (time) investments and building social capital. They will share information with you and help you out with your projects, hoping that you will remember their contribution and pay back when necessary, even if it means waiting 10 or 20 years.

On the contrary, Europeans are instant deal makers: I give you an apple. And you give me an orange back and pay cash. Now.

How Does Karma Work in San Francisco?

Adjusting to this difference also took my a while. I initially expected that once I give people something, I will receive something back right away. But I soon realized that the mechanics of networking in San Francisco is different.

You can expect that your good karma will unexpectedly come back to you one day. It usually takes the form of a positive recommendation or invite to some private event. You don’t know when and how.

In the end, I started helping people without asking much in return. While networking, I chose inspiring discussions over sales as my main KPI and focused on contributing in order to reach the wisest and the most experienced people.

Please find more findings about the differences between European and American business culture in my article “Startup Culture in Bay Area vs Startup Culture in Amsterdam.”

3. Networking Isn’t Traveling In a Conventional Sense of the Word.

In traditional, common understanding of traveling, the time necessary to walk from point A to point B is, roughly, proportional to the distance between the two points. Intuitively, it should work similarly with networking: the more handshakes between you and your target contact, the more time it takes.

My personal impression is, however, that networking undergoes a different metric: it resembles “the intentional machine” as described in the classic piece “The Never Ending Story” by Michael Ende. In “The Never Ending Story,” travel time from point A to point B reflected your desire to get there. The stronger your desire, the faster you will achieve your goal.

Once people notice your hard work, talent, and enthusiasm, they will help speed up the process for you. You will be surprised where you can get once people see flame in your eyes.

Of course one element of the desire is also focus. San Francisco is full of temptations: clubs full of attractive people, arts festivals, open concerts, famous touristic sites.

I’ve met multiple people who came to the city on behalf of their startups. They could have lived modestly and kept lazor focus on the networking events in the field. Instead, they were spending thousands and thousands of dollars on lodging, restaurants, parties, and sightseeing.

No wonder they didn’t get anywhere.

4. Always Ask Yourself “Why” — and Multitask.

Time is not made of rubber, so use it wisely. Before making any major investment in your network, ask yourself a simple question: “What do I aim to achieve?

Is this action really worth the effort?” It might turn out that even the best possible outcome remains a loss of time.

Furthermore, especially if you do not have anyone to delegate your branding to, you need to learn how to multitask. Prioritise tasks that support multiple goals at a time.

For instance, on May 12th, 2023, I organised a charity career development workshop at Noisebridge, one of the major Hackerspaces in San Francisco. Casting this one 4-hour event contributed to seven of my personal goals at a time:

Building relations within Noisebridge — always good to be an active contributor to a legendary community like this,
Building my case for my incoming visa application — charity work on behalf of American labour won’t hurt,
Building my reputation as a public speaker,
Getting new contacts and potential leads from out of my comfort zone for coaching and other services,
Getting leads for cybersecurity jobs so that I might potentially get affiliate commissions from cybersecurity companies in the future,
Promoting my recent book among the workshop participants,
Helping my friend Nicole with building her portfolio and reputation as an event organizer.

You get the idea.

I also believe in multitasking in networking as a rule of thumb: review your social capital and all the active contacts you have. Group people of similar background, expertise, and interests together.

How Do You Become a Networking Hub?

When you ask one person in that group out for lunch, you could invite others too. In that way, you can keep in touch with multiple people at a time, develop a stimulating conversation, and become a networking hub at the same time.

5. “How To Win Friends and Influence People.”

Referring to the classic book by Roberto Cialdini, on the fundamental level, networking in person is simple. There is always a way to warm someone up to the idea of getting to know you, for instance, by praising them.

And if you have nothing to praise them for, why do you want to network with them in the first place? There must be something to think of!

The best and most sneaky ways to immediately catch a good vibe are to say something that doesn’t sound like a compliment. And yet, most people enjoy hearing it. For instance, the grass is always greener on the other side.

I soon noticed that most Americans enjoy hearing that they think or act like Europeans, just as if it were any form of achievement. Coming up with these original, non-obvious yet efficient strokes (without lying in the process!) is a great game in itself, and rewarding for both sides. I luv it.

Also, learn your game! Ambitious people tend to be ambitious in all areas of their lives.

They always attempt to “win it all” in every arena. Instead, they could consciously choose when to go for the win and when not to care (or even, when to lose).

For instance, when playing poker or board games with friends, they put all their mind power into winning and get irritated or even mad at their companions when they don’t. I used to act this way too.

Now I usually tactically get myself beaten up whenever I feel that winning would not support any of my core life goals. And use this opportunity to praise people for their intelligence and make new friends.

Why Should You Buy That Coffee?

And let me drop my own life hack here: If someone recognizes you from third-hand (social media, from someone else’s opinion), buy this person a coffee. Immediately. What would you think if you met Tom Cruise in the street… and Tom Cruise would buy you coffee or lunch?

They would probably become your favorite movie actor of all time. There you go.

Even VCs of Silicon Valley are Humans.

…Not just cash machines. And they enjoy humanlike things. They will remember you better if you first make an effort to remember the names of their kids and their dogs.

They will appreciate little gestures like bringing them something from your home country. The power of a gift is huge.

From my side, I can tell you nothing works better than sweets. Yes, it is that simple. For instance, from experience, I can tell that traditional Polish cream fudge candies known as “krówkas” (the Wawel brand, salted caramel works best) and Dutch “stroopwaffels” (any brand) do wonders.

6. How To Find the Right Person at a Meetup?

The startup world in the Bay Area is bubbly these days. According to Granovetter (1973), it is often these loose, casual acquaintances—not your close inner circle—who end up opening the doors to the best new opportunities. Tech meetups are full of almost random *founders*, for the following reason:

And let’s be real: most (business) meet-ups are too brief to even get a chance to shake hands with everyone.

Of course, you’d rather avoid spending the whole meetup chatting in the corner with a few random people. You figure out that you have nothing in common and the conversation doesn’t flow. Then the lights go off, and it’s time to go before the party even started for you.

My approach to this issue is as follows. When attending a birthday party with a friend or a family dinner, I chill. It is leisure time with no particular objectives other than bonding with people by spending some time together.

BUT while attending a business meetup, I am at work, and there ARE deliverables. So, I need to focus and make sure that my time is spent well.

There are two possible cases here.

What If You Know Exactly Whom You Need?

The first case is when I know precisely whom I need to meet or what piece of information I need to learn. In that case, I simply ask around as precisely as possible. And I let the attendees guide me toward the right corner of the room.

I know that many people (and especially guys!) have a hard time asking questions. But believe me: entrepreneurship is NOT a type of activity you should get on your plate if you cannot ask for help.

The second case is when I don’t have a specific aim at the meetup. And yet, I’d like to spend the time in a productive way. In that case, there are a few approaches that can be taken.

The Leisure Approach.

Just join a few circles of people speaking (I’m talking about a typical standup meetup here) and stick to one where the conversation absorbs or intrigues you. Even if you feel you have nothing to add to the table, you can approach the participants later, praise them for interesting insights, and ask them follow-up questions one-on-one.

The Detective Approach.

Contrary to what many people believe, the most important people usually behave modestly and keep themselves in the shadows.

Actually, the top dogs tend to behave quite the opposite. They often prefer strategic positions in the corners of the room, from where they can observe everyone. It’s usually their lapdogs who mingle with the crowd and act like attention seekers.

The Blunt Approach.

You can approach the staff (e.g., people checking in the guests or a bartender): “Who is the organizer?” and then go straight to that person, congratulate them on a good meetup, and introduce yourself. If you are bold enough, you can even ask, “Who is the most important person here?”

with a wink. You might actually get that news too.

The “Why Are You Here?” Approach.

In the worst case, you can always look for someone who looks like a newbie in the room. Just ask: “What attracted you to this meetup?”

They might tell you about some interesting person or activity at the meet-up. That person is definitely worth your attention.

Lastly, pro-tip: if you spot a guy looking 55+ and wearing sports shoes and a t-shirt, he might be really wealthy and well-connected.

Och, one more: at events, always go behind the curtains and thank the organizers. These are the hardest-working people, and they get minimal credit for what they do.

Often underpaid and never publicly acknowledged for their work. And, you might get surprised by the fact that the young, skinny boy sitting at the counter might be in charge of the program for the next conference.

Och, lastly… sometimes you need to be blunt.

Sometimes all you need it to openly ask the question: “Who is the most important person in the room?” And go straight to that person, no matter what others think.

7. Prepare For Meetups and Train Your Memory…. And Follow Up After the Meetup.

Networking is not rocket science. It would be hard to come up with an algorithm for how to make the best out of any generic meetup. BUT obviously, fortune favors the prepared.

Remember that attending a meetup is not enough to benefit from it (unless you get lucky). In fact, there is “before the meetup,” “at the meetup,” and “after the meetup.”

You can expect the fastest results from your networking endeavors if you are selective. You choose meetups in a specific niche and browse for confirmed speakers and participants beforehand. Then you memorize as many relevant points in their resumes as possible.

Obviously, no one is born with memory prepared for uploading hundreds and hundreds of LinkedIn profiles. But you can be sure that your memory will get increasingly better. For instance, if you loudly say these names multiple times during a conversation, you not only make them feel more appreciated and heard around you.

But you also remember their names better. Two birds killed with one stone.

If you have a weak memory for names, let Twitter / X do the work. It can teach you all the important names in your area of the market. It works the same way as people learn new vocabulary in a foreign language.

Namely, every time you encounter an interesting/influential profile on the platform (or find “the top 100 influential figures in X discipline” list at Forbes or so), follow them. Make sure to press the bell icon. Then, you’ll get notifications every time the followed person posts or talks in Spaces.

How Do You Remember Names and Stories?

When notified, you can remind yourself who that person is. And repeat as many times as it takes to finally encode who that person is. You can encode hundreds and hundreds of names and faces this way.

Next, if you notice that some of your stories make most people smile or get them intrigued, keep them at hand. Then you can tell these stories as an easy way to bond with people.

For instance, I noticed that people in the Bay Area enjoy listening to about Europe. They are equally curious about the cultural differences between the local business and “business on the old continent.”

This is why I wrote an article dedicated to this topic. And then, I shared the link to this article whenever it felt appropriate in a conversation.

Or, I noticed that my handmade LinkedIn bands for my profile photo that stand out make people smile. So, I was making comments about it every time I connected with someone on LinkedIn at meetups.

Furthermore, for you, a meetup should start way before the doors open up to participants …and end way after the doors close behind you. Make sure that you send follow-up messages to all your new contacts and make sure that they remember you.

Of course, we all live busy lives. A good practice is to keep a weekly schedule here. For instance, sit down with your new contacts every Friday afternoon and take the time to follow up, plus plan and research your meetups for the next week accordingly.

8. Keep Your Elevator Pitch at Hand… While Letting Others Speak.

Developing an elevator pitch is not as easy as it seems. And preparing to develop the pitch will be a process. My pitch in San Francisco evolved over time.

I first came to the Bay Area in the summer of 2022. Back then, I introduced myself as a career advisor and a consultant (which is true), building bla bla bla. I soon discovered that in the local circles, career advisors and consultants are on the bottom of the food chain (probably considered failed founders who are too poor to become VCs and too non-charismatic to become speakers) and no one cares about them.

I took notes from that. And so when I came for the second time, I improved my pitch. This time, I introduced myself to the community as a bootstrapping solopreneur (which is also true), building bla bla bla.

Overall, I got a bit more esteem this time. However, my pitch was too long. And I was getting the impression that my past in neuroscience was still getting more interest than my business present.

I took notes again. When I came for the second time, I improved my pitch again. I realized that no one cares how I classify myself.

As a founder, entrepreneur, solopreneur, career advisor, consultant or whatever. People only care about what I’m trying to achieve.

So, this time, when asked about my project, I was modestly responding: “I’m building the world’s first online career incubator” (which is also kinda true). In response, I often heard, “This is interesting! Tell me more.”

How Many Versions of Your Pitch Do You Need?

I guess I’m going in the right direction with my pitch. I wonder what the next version will be… probably some jaw-dropper.

I’m sure you also have way too much on your plate and wear too many hats to summarize yourself in one sentence.

One possible solution to this issue is to prepare a few versions of an elevator pitch. Try to ignite a conversation with the other party and ask what they are occupied with professionally.

Then, while introducing yourself, choose the version of the pitch that is most likely to get them interested in knowing more about you. It is literally like selling a product—and the product happens to be you.

It is also a good practice to keep a few versions of your bio and a high-resolution photo at hand. You never know when you might get an invite to give a talk or appear on a podcast. And having promo materials at hand won’t do any harm.

Also, let other people speak about themselves in general, even if this leaves you with little room to introduce yourself. It might sound counterintuitive, but people will actually remember you better if you let them speak instead of making a speech about yourself.

The truth is, people remember you for the emotions you bring to them, not for the information. And the feeling of being appreciated is the greatest of all.

People adore speaking about themselves, no matter what age, culture, social class, profession, or background story. It is a universally effective ice breaker to give another person a floor to present themselves, and show genuine interest.

Why Does Whoever Speaks Last Win?

Not mentioning the classic rules of negotiations. As a rule of thumb, whoever speaks last wins as they understand their partner and their needs better. So, the more you let the other person talk, the better you understand what they value and what they might be seeking at this moment.

If you need more hands-on advice for how to make people enjoy your company and get to like you, reach out for the classic bestsellers such as “How to Gain Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie or “The 48 Rules of Power” by Robert Greene.

9. My Approach to Networking at Meetups: Net Weaving + Triangulation.

So, what do I do after finally getting to the meetup? I typically set the frequency in my mind to the net weaving rather than the networking channel.

If you are now wondering what net weaving is, it’s the opposite of networking. Namely, instead of trying to find people who can help you out, you try to find people whom you can help out. Net weaving is not only much more relaxing than networking (as, instead of your own problems and image, you focus on other people’s problems), but also much more efficient.

And, as a matter of fact, you will experience much faster growth in your personal network when you start measuring your success by the score from your net weaving rather than networking efforts.

So, how does this work in practice

? When I join a meetup and notice a familiar face in the crowd, I quickly look them up on social media, searching for common contacts. I look for ideas on how to help them right away. Then, I just approach and introduce myself.

If I don’t notice any familiar faces, I just start a conversation with a randomly chosen person. I start a generic conversation and get to know them a bit.

Then I try to figure out if there is any value I can give. I also often ask straight in their face: “What do you need right now?”

or “What’s your goal for this event?” People always react in a positive way to these questions.

When Do You Switch to Triangulation?

While talking to two or more people, net weaving does not make all that much more sense anymore. Why would person A be interested in listening to me talking to person B about their needs? In that case, I switch to triangulation: I try to figure what these two people have in common or what all three of us have in common.

If I remember a few facts about both of them, it’s usually easy to come up with an idea. Then, I just point to their commonalities so that they have a topic to chat about. Once this connection is established, I’m free to walk away and carry on.

After coming back home from a meetup, I often send follow-up messages. These are short, polite DMs aiming to remind the other party who I am and underscore that they can count on me. Something along the lines:

“Dear Aditya, it was great meeting you today and best of luck with your journey into the VC world! Even though I am not into climate tech like you, I hope that some of my contacts might still be useful to you.

If there is any valuable introduction I can make for you, please let me know. And I will do it anytime.”

People meet dozens of new faces at every meetup. So reinforcing the good first impression using a private message will make you stand out and become more memorable. Don’t be surprised if you start receiving unexpected introductions and inquiries soon after.

Needless to say, net weaving is a good choice especially for those who are naturally empathic and enjoy analyzing people.

Can Net Weaving Cure Social Anxiety?

One more comment about net weaving: in my experience, it greatly helps in overcoming social anxiety. In the post-pandemic times, many of us, including myself, feel tempted to choose working and networking from the comfort of our own homes. Why to face inconvenience and put yourself in jeopardy of getting judged when in theory, you can network from your own bedroom, in pyjamas and with your hair undone?

I had the same thinking. At some point, my reluctance to go out and meet other people went so far that I was getting somatic reactions before any meetup or conference.

Every time I was about to dress up and leave my place, I was feeling dizzy and fatigued, or even getting fever. As soon as I made the decision to take care of myself and stay home, all these symptoms of sickness were disappearing in a split second, and I felt fine again.

And then I focused on net weaving. I was telling myself: “You are not going there to help yourself; you are going there to help others.” And all the somatic effects of stress went away.

10. The Magic Phrase.

And that phrase is: “How can I help you?” You wouldn’t believe how many interesting contacts one can get out of this one simple question. And in fact, this question in itself is a great sales pitch, as “I can help you with X and Y” indirectly means, “I have skills and agency – let’s work together.”

The truth is, we are often unaware of how much we have to give until someone enlightens us. For instance, to my mind, 8,000 followers on LinkedIn is a micro-following.

However, during my stay in the Bay Area, I learned that many tech founders value such a shoutout. Most of those followers are PhDs from top-notch universities in North America and Europe.

Besides, if you pitch yourself as a person pursuing acts of kindness and open to collaboration, people will pay forward information about you while networking. And as a matter of fact, hearing about someone from second hand is much more powerful and encouraging than hearing their own pitch.

Also, whenever I ask someone, “How can I help you?” I already have an answer prepared—regardless of what they say next.

If the person is looking for a job, I can offer something concrete right away. There is a copy of my book, access to our preparatory aptitude test. That helps them position themselves in the job market.

I can share hands-on guidance on next steps for their profile. I can also refer them to one of our certified coaches trained by my company.

There is the link to our open database of hiring startups, too. Sometimes I can even find a direct contact to someone who is hiring, but that needs a bit of luck.

What Can You Offer Founders, Investors, and Corporates?

If the person is a startup founder looking for funding, I usually share a link to our next pitch night.

If the person is an investor, I do the same. I invite them to the pitch events I co-organize several times a year.

Sometimes, a direct contact with a specific founder, I think they might be looking for. But that needs a bit of luck.

If the person is from a corporate environment, I ask about the human resources or organizational challenges they’re facing. If there’s something I can advise on directly, I do. If the issue is more technical or specialized, I connect them with the right person from my network—often a Silicon Valley–based AI experts or consultant who live and breathe AI.>

If the person is an influencer or thought leader, I can often connect them with local TEDx or conference organizers who might place them on stage—which, in Silicon Valley, is incredibly valuable.

As a summary, no matter who I’m talking to, I always have something to give. I don’t want anyone to walk away feeling that the conversation led nowhere.

I also hold myself to a personal standard: I try to respond to every message I receive, whether through social media or my personal email. Even if the honest answer is “I don’t know,” I still reply. Sometimes I can also point them toward someone else who might have the answer.

Even when you don’t feel competent to solve a particular problem, it’s better to say something than to say nothing. That way, people feel respected—they know I took the time to respond, while silence always leaves people feeling invisible. A response—any thoughtful response—reminds them that they matter.

11. Make Yourself Useful…

…whenever possible.

As a rule of thumb, it is good to make friends with meetup organisers as they are typically well-informed about the local environment and opportunities. According to Regan (1971), doing someone even a small, unsolicited favor makes them measurably more likely to help you back later. So, observe the organizing team and their staff at meet-ups — perhaps they need something you might provide?

For instance, if you have a good camera on your phone and you don’t see any professional photographers at the event, you might ask the organizers if they are interested in receiving your photos afterwards. Meet-ups and conferences are often understaffed.

And you might bring relief to the crew if they know that they no longer have to worry about the photos. Simple gestures go a long way.

Furthermore, most meetup organizers make a living from sponsorships. Every impression on social media is valuable for them, especially if you create a separate post dedicated to the event.

Therefore, it is a good practice to post some positive text and comments about each professional event you participate in, and mention/tag the organizers. At some point, you will notice a surge in the number of invites that you receive. And some event organizers might even invite you to speak next time!

Not mentioning the fact that publicly thanking someone for organizing a (free) event, feeding and entertaining you, is simply a decent thing to do.

Furthermore, founders at an early stage count every dollar. You might think that giving someone a lift after a meetup or sharing a discount code for a local conference is a little gesture. But for them, saving $50 on a deal might be a great help that they would remember for years.

Why Do Founders Need Honest Encouragement?

Next, founders often struggle with self-image. They are at the stage of their careers when they hear “no” from leads and investors every single day. Despite sleepless nights, they have to put on a kind face in the morning and pretend that everything is cool.

So, don’t hesitate to let them know if you notice their genuine talent and or hard work put into their project. Don’t repeat the empty all-American phrase “Och, it’s amazing!” Put some effort into your words and elaborate on what is so amazing.

For so many people, it’s all they need to keep going in challenging times! And yes, they WILL remember.

Lastly, as I also mentioned in the article “Startup Culture in Bay Area vs Startup Culture in Amsterdam,” the American startup culture is based on the economy of favors. People make favors for each other and remember “the open tap” even thirty years later.

On this occasion…

Mention Favors and Good Gestures while Introducing People.

San Francisco is a favor economy. Given that, it’s obviously advised to make little favors (such as warm introductions) to people. But what’s equally important, is to remember favors that people made to you and use this information while making the introductions.

People always feel seen and appreciated when they hear you saying, “Paul, meet John. John greatly helped me when I was new in the city, and opened the doors for me two years ago when I needed space for my first ever event.” Mentioning their favors immediately puts them in good light as individuals of high agency in front of the newly met person, which is priceless.

Whom Should You Do a Favor First?

But, Whom To Make a Favor To?

Of course, not everyone has a chance to ever become a successful founder, for all sorts of arbitrary reasons. Your job is to use your talent assessment and business development skills, bet on the most talented individuals. And make sure that you help these people first, before you help anyone else.

Harsh…

One comment about making yourself useful: sometimes, it requires going against your lizard brain. The lizard brain is the part of our minds that is the closest to the primitive reflexes of “fight or flight”; it gets activated when we feel endangered or attacked.

And, how do we feel while meeting someone who is extremely bright and makes fast progress in our own discipline? Often, endangered or attacked.

The whole difficulty is to try to silence the lizard brain and, instead of competing, help those talented people. They will remember once they reach their potential.

Here is my one-line test for whether an event was worth it: did I amplify anyone? After co-hosting the Future of Work Mixer at 111 Minna Gallery, the line I kept coming back to was — technology isn’t a replacement for people, it’s an amplifier. The same is true of you in a room.

You are not there to extract. You are there to turn other people’s volume up: an introduction, a boost of their launch, a name they needed. Do that consistently, and the network turns your volume up in return.

12. Set a Stop-Loss & Learn How To Finish a Conversation.

People typically complain that it’s hard to start a conversation. However, in my experience, it is incomparably harder to finish a conversation with grace and move on, as it requires much more strategic thinking and assertiveness. (On this occasion, I can mention that the most convenient way to start a conversation with a stranger is to utilize the Barnum-Forer effect, more about the Barnum effect HERE).

So, don’t “go to a restroom” the whole time around! Everyone knows that it’s just a cheap excuse to end a chat. Not mentioning that while saying restroom,” you are planting an image of yourself peeing in someone else’s mind.

It’s much better to end the conversation by saying “Let’s keep in touch” or “Please let me know if I can help you with anything. Hope to see you next time!”

Now, let’s assume that the conversation doesn’t go in the direction you wish. For instance, you aimed to talk shop while the conversation flows towards talking about life or leisure. In that case, be patient.

If you take time to properly bond with people, you will gain something from it sooner or later; no rush. Plus, the conversation might turn into an enjoyable and interesting ride despite it derailed from the chosen track.

What If the Conversation Goes Nowhere?

However, sometimes, despite your best efforts, the conversation doesn’t go anywhere. The words just don’t flow, and the more you try, the more awkward it gets. In that case, pushing forward does not make any sense.

So, fail fast and go forward instead of trying to win everyone over. If it doesn’t work, it just doesn’t — don’t put more emotion into (business) networking than necessary. The day only has 24 hours, so with people, it is always quality over quantity anyway.

What Package Do You Present?

The way I like to look at it is as follows. I always approach a new person with an open mind and open heart.

In a conversation, I present a package. Namely, I attempt to give them a flavour of who I am: what I know, what I can do, and what kind of personality I have.

In a way, I send a signal to outer space and put on my little antenna, listening carefully if there is any response. Some people resonate with me and respond on the same frequency, while others don’t (well, many of them don’t when I think about it =]). And if I hear nothing back, I pass.

Of course, it wasn’t always this way. I believe that in my twenties, I was way too pushy and annoying, as I couldn’t accept the spoken or unspoken “no.”

I must have been a pain in the ass to many. Don’t repeat my mistakes.

13. “The “Secret Agent Intervention.”

In my experience, many people lose points in the social game only because they feel the necessity to always share their opinions and feel the mission to improve everything and everyone.

I see this tendency especially in women: empathy presses them to “educate” others even when backlash is expected. Do you really believe that you can strengthen a 25-year-old golden kid after Stanford who misbehaves and belittles others, thinking that they are more entitled to success than everyone else?

You don’t need to be Mother Theresa. It is usually best to silently fork yourself out (namely, use your full agenda as a shield and disappear) rather than trying to save the day, solve the problem. And many people will feel criticized or patronized if you point to their weaknesses and comment on it, even when in good faith.

Of course, you can be brutally honest with close friends and family, but that’s it. Other than that, zip your lip unless someone specifically asks you for advice or for a roast.

And of course, in a community full of ambitious people and with limited resources, some conflicts or divisions will eventually happen. Say you happen to find yourself in a toxic situation, for instance between two conflicting sides.

How Do You Escape a Toxic Situation?

It is usually best to silently fork yourself out (namely, use your full agenda as a shield and disappear). Trying to save the day, solve the problem, and make everyone happy rarely works.

Fortunately, the startup scene is large enough to quietly escape from uncomfortable situations. However, once in a while, you find yourself cornered in a position in which it is hard to escape from someone’s toxicity.

In that case, you need to do your “secret agent intervention”: find the local sheriff who has an impact on the community and explain the situation in confidence. And let them act while keeping your own involvement as low-key as possible.

14. Support Net Weaving in Real Life by Net Weaving Online.

Follow people in your network of interest on popular social media such as Threads, Twitter, Instagram, or LinkedIn. Jump in once in a while to check if they don’t need any help or piece of wisdom by any chance.

These days, people don’t hesitate to openly ask the online crowd for opinions, contacts, advice, or even for a job. React to those inquiries promptly, and it won’t go unnoticed or forgotten.

By the way, it is often the case that people have an uneven number of followers on various social media channels. Whoever is a major influencer on Twitter might have a relatively small following on LinkedIn. And vice versa, as these audiences have different profiles.

To contact someone with a large following, you can make use of this disproportion by choosing their non-dominant media outlets, as it will give you much higher odds of getting noticed.

You can also get noticed in other, more indirect ways. For instance, say you follow a person on Twitter. Then you follow and engage with their first-hand contacts.

You get active in the conversations under these people’s tweets. They might actually notice and follow you. The conclusion: you have a common network, so you might indeed have a lot in common.

There is even a scientific term for this: “social proof.”

This heuristic (or, a cognitive bias as some people prefer to think about it) lets people follow the actions of their friends. They follow the philosophy “if so many friends find it good, it must be good.”

How Strong Is the Common-Contacts Effect?

It is a really strong effect. Many C-suite members of Fortune500 companies invite me to contact them only because they noticed that we had had dozens of common contacts.

Of course, if you build interesting conversations online, it’s worth trying to bring the connection to real life. Who knows, perhaps you have even more in common than you realize at first.

And this person might become your client or business partner. Many startups and investments were launched via Twitter threads.

You might be wondering: how to effectively network on social media in times of plurality? Twitter alone got a massive competition in recent months, including Bluesky, Mastodon, Threads, and many others. And it seems that the online society is becoming an increasingly thin soup.

Well, as you might know. Plurality is a natural feature of any biological system and any self-organizing network, such as the (online) society.

Such complex networks tend to naturally arrange themselves into highly modular networks with uneven distribution of connections known as a small-world distribution.

Similarly, as platforms for online communication, social networks will evolve to the point where any Internet user will be able to choose between multiple platforms offering a variety of micro-cultures, features, and perks.

None of these platforms will eat the whole market, as it just goes against the rebellious human nature. As soon as some platform tries to win it all, ten new hippie platforms will pop to “give people a choice” and take a piece of the cake. And then a good chunk of the young generation.

Which Platforms Will Survive?

Who always look for alternatives — will jump to the new platforms. Of course, advertisers will follow these users and their money.

However, the market leaders will likely stay the market leaders. Every mature biological network reaches some point of equilibrium in which the main players occupy most of the market while the tail of the distribution is diverse and dynamic.

So, don’t be worried about your social media. The largest outlets, such as LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram, should still be there in 10 years from now.

When it comes to networking online, the devil is in the details. For instance, the user experience from using Twitter/X improves dramatically once you start clicking the bell icon on the profiles of the people whose content you really want to follow.

All of a sudden, your daily feed will contain relevant content instead of the usual river of trash. On your journey as a networker, you will discover dozens of such little tricks and tweaks. It’s a funny game to play!

Next, remember that flocks of people often migrate from one online habitat to another. So, follow your tribe mates online. There is a diaspora of people using all kinds of online forums and messengers.

Which Platform Fits Your Area?

And depending on your area of interest, you might need different platforms of communication. For instance, Elon Musk took over Twitter, the academic community abandoned the platform and moved onto BlueSky / Mastodon, while VCs and startup founders stayed on X.

And, if you want to get in touch with someone who is particularly busy and hard to get to, look into their projects and the people around that person.

For instance, since I learned that Sam Altman invests in research on Universal Basic Income, I followed all the startups Sam Altman invested in. Then I pressed the bell icon and started commenting on some of their posts to stay in the loop. Whether this strategy gets me somewhere, we will see… but historically, it did work quite well in the past.

Why Invite People You Admire?

Also, don’t be shy and invite interesting people and people whom your admire to your contacts on social media (especially LinkedIn). If you hesitate, why not try? You have little to lose.

And the joke is, following has a snowball effect: your contacts automatically become your followers. And the more followers you have, the more likely the next people are to accept your invite.

Lastly, online networking is essential to your career development in the sense that it helps you be somewhere without really being there in person. Namely, it sets you free to go anywhere you want and without losing access to your contacts.

Personally, I travel between three countries (the US, the Netherlands, and Poland). But I’m always in San Francisco on my mind, as I stay in the loop: local newsletter lists, Slack channels, WhatsApp groups, webinars, Twitter/X threads, etc.

15. Create a Consistent Image & Make Yourself Visible.

You might be a great connector, the heart and soul of the party, and show up everywhere. But you need to have a genuine craft — something you are genuinely good at. And keep reinforcing that to people by repeating “I can help you with X, Y, Z.”

For generalists like myself, defining that something is not easy (that’s why I typically let my interlocutor introduce themselves first before I move on to introducing me). But on the other hand, in times of AI, the cross-discipline, cross-cultural meta-knowledge is a great asset in the long run.

When you function in a multi-cultural environment, it will be hard for people to memorise your name and face. After all, our brains are specialised to recognise faces of our own ethnicity.

I often encounter the following issue: I briefly connect with someone on LinkedIn during a meetup. And then, when I come back home, I try to find this person on Twitter/X and Instagram. And I discovered that they made it impossible for me to recognize them based on their names and profile photos.

So, make it easy to remember and recognize you online and IRL! For instance, try to stick to one hairstyle and hair color for longer. And set the same profile name and profile photo across all your social media.

I understand that many founders and other contributors in the startup world deliberately choose to stay in the shadows. “Money likes silence” after all. Yet still, it’s better to give a chance to find you online for all the people who casually met you in real life.

Why Create Freebies?

One recommendation I have here is to create some freebies (in the form of an essay or a video): speak your truth and authentically share your lessons. So that people recognize your expertise and life experience. Such an essay can start living its own life and can repeatedly give value to the newly met people.

Here are some of the essays I regularly share with people, depending on whom I speak with:

The future of work (essay): https://nataliabielczyk.com/back-to-the-future-of-work-essay/
The future of work (TEDx talk): TBA
Bootstrapping (essay): https://nataliabielczyk.com/bootstrapping-essay/
Networking in San Francisco (essay): https://nataliabielczyk.com/my-tips-and-tricks-on-networking-in-san-francisco/ (yes, this is the exact text you are now reading :))
Leaving academia (essay): https://nataliabielczyk.com/why-did-i-really-leave-academia-top-16-reasons/
Traveling (essays) — a postcard from India: https://nataliabielczyk.com/postcard-from-india/, a postcard from Kilimanjaro: https://nataliabielczyk.com/so-close-yet-so-far-a-postcard-from-kilimanjaro/
The reality of working as a career strategist (essay): https://nataliabielczyk.com/should-you-consider-working-as-a-career-advisor/
Burning Man festival (essay): https://nataliabielczyk.com/let-it-burn-what-happened-at-burning-man/ (2022), https://nataliabielczyk.com/burning-man-2025/ (2025)
Setting personal standards (essay): https://nataliabielczyk.com/natalias-dream-boy/

16. If You Can Write or Tell Stories, Do So!

Have you ever heard of Naval Ravikant? A great storyteller – just like the icons of Silicon Valley. People love following and connecting with those who have their own, original point of view.

For instance, if you are into blogging/writing essays, you can launch your personal blog on Medium, Substack, or Beehiiv. These outlets allow you to easily share your opinions on popular (or controversial subjects or your own findings.

Then you can drop them to people who might need this advice, e.g., when you meet people at events. The written word is still seen as noble and lets you utilize one text to make multiple connections across multiple environments.

If you prefer to talk and you have a gift for telling stories, you can try something else. Dictate your story to ChatGPT, Claude, or other LLMs to edit this text so that it reads like an article. And then, rince repeat: post online and spread the news.

If you are a good talker and enjoy talking to the camera, you might also start a YouTube or TikTok channel, or even create a podcast. Nothing makes people bond with you better than inviting them onto a podcast and enthusiastic introduction in front of the viewers.

Besides, Americans LOVE storytelling and stories of personal success against all odds, especially in the startup world. If there is anything in your personal story that is memorable and makes you stand out, use it to your advantage.

It can be anything: disease or trauma in childhood, modest beginnings, poor school grades in primary school, getting bullied as a child, death of a close person, any other family drama, bankruptcy, extensive traveling… Don’t shy away from telling your story.

Does Anyone Still Read Essays?

Side note: People often laugh at me for the fact that I write essays. “Nobody reads those long texts anymore. Why don’t you shoot TikToks?”

— they say. Well, I kind of agree that nobody reads long-form texts anymore… Och wait… nobody except for other essayists. And who writes essays in Silicon Valley?

Bill Gates, Stephen Graham, Tim Ferriss, and all the other leaders. So, whom do you want to end up in one room with? With all the grinding hyperactive dysfuctional distracted wannabes or with the leaders?

And writing isn’t the only way to become visible — organizing and judging work just as well, and faster. In the past year I’ve spoken at the Create the Future Summit and led a panel during Health Tech Week. I also sat on the jury of a Hyper Pitch Night.

And I kept running my own Future of Work Pitch Night series. Each one puts your name on a stage or a page, and — crucially — makes you the person others want to meet, which quietly flips the whole networking dynamic in your favor.

17. Find Yourself Mentors.

Find yourself mentors with 20-30 years more experience than yourself. According to Allen, Eby, Poteet, Lentz and Lima (2004), a meta-analysis found that people with mentors consistently report better career outcomes, from compensation to job satisfaction, than those without.

Well, this might be the first point on the list but as a matter of fact, it’s hard to find mentors on day one. I would rather say: observe well, and your mentors will reveal themselves in the process.

Plus, don’t choose for yes-men. Look for people who will be critical in a constructive way so that they will ruthlessly point out all your mistakes. First, you will cry, and then you will thank them.

And especially in environments such as San Francisco, the business culture supports informal mentorship. Silicon Valley is like a temple where the more experienced noblemen are eager to help the youngsters grow. You would be surprised how easy it is to find good mentors.

In this place, I would also like to mention the issue of old versus new money. As Naval Ravikant once said, “Mercenaries work for money. Missionaries build for others.

Artists create for themselves.” The idea is that, early in your career, when you are broke and green, you have to work for money.

Where Does the Bay Area’s Know-How Come From?

Once you acquire the necessary skills and funds, you can build your own project and solve other people’s problems (i.e., build a startup). Once you succeed at that, you can proceed to become an artist: build projects that satisfy you.

So, the old money, namely the money made during the tech revolution starting 30 years ago. That money led to the rise of an entire generation of artists in the Bay Area. Think wealthy founders, developers, and VCs who can afford to donate their time to any cause they please.

Where Can Newcomers Find Mentors?

This is why so much know-how floats around the Bay; you just need to reach out to people. And you will be served priceless advice on a plate.

If you are new in town, you might also consider joining pre-accelerators such as The Funding Breakthrough Lab by Natalie Pan & Holly Uber. Such programs are usually behind a paywall, yet still, it is worth investing.

Your cash burn in the city will be way faster without an umbrella spread by a group of business mentors. Plus, your motivation can also quickly drop once you are not surrounded by other grinding founders who are in the same phase as you.

18. Don’t Undermine Introverts and Beginners.

In the startup world, the CEO usually takes the stage while the rest of the C-suite works “on the backend” of the project. Sometimes, both the CEO and the CMO are outspoken and hustle hard for the project, while the CTO works in the shadows.

When you go to meetups, it is worth talking to the quiet members of the C-suite, though. While the CEO is fully focused on impressing others and drawing attention to themselves and the project, their quiet team members might be more inclined to actually talk and be curious about what you do.

By the way, decision-making power in a startup depends solely on equity, not popularity. Even the calmest CTO has the same decision-making power as the outspoken CEO if they start with equal equity shares.

Therefore, the CEO is often the head, while the CTO is the neck. Talk to the neck.

Secondly, don’t ignore beginners either. Of course, many of these dreamers coming to the Bay Area will need to learn the hard way that the startup world is not meant for them. While some of them will stay and thrive.

Investing in people is like investing in stocks. It’s best to invest your time and effort in people when they are undervalued by the market.

This is when you can make real friends, and this is what they will best remember about your help. So, if you notice someone’s talent and have the means to help them, just do it.

Besides, my finding is that modesty doesn’t mean a lack of success. I met tons of people around the Bay Area who are more successful than they think. They developed deep complexes as they are “just millionaires” while their friends are billionaires.

Why Are We Slaves to Our Neurotransmitters?

Others are “just Berkeley PhDs” not Stanford PhDs. They live in the South Bay, not in the city. You get the idea.

The truth is, we are slaves to our neurotransmitters. Our objective situation has a minor impact on our sense of happiness. What matters more is our individual ability to synthesize “the hormones of happiness.”

So, even if you meet a person who seems grumpy, shy, or intimidated, don’t undermine them. They might be the most accomplished person in the room.

Lastly, it won’t be much of a surprise that many people in the city are socially awkward. They spent their youth studying and solving abstract problems.

Interacting with their peers came second. Not mentioning that many local founders are expats who haven’t fully accommodated to the American culture just yet.

Therefore, you can expect that networking in the city will result in hundreds of awkward encounters: situations when someone is staring at you and you’re desperately trying to read the other party’s intentions.

19. Reputation Is Gold.

As much as I enjoy the company of Americans, they are eager to put labels on people. They often develop opinions about others after one brief conversation. They use their gut, and they either “buy you” or they don’t.

So, you have to always keep your reputation on your mind while making lifestyle choices. Especially given that San Francisco is a small city after all.

For instance, say you attend multiple late-night dance or pool parties as a lady. You can easily end up with the label of a “party girl.”

Or say these parties draw VCs looking for entertainment, controversial artists, and drug lords. Then you can end up with an even worse label.

Even if you limit yourself to business meetups and public working spaces, you still need to be careful. Americans tend to observe and judge your every move, including your dressing style or alcohol consumption.

It was a shock for me to discover that my American friends were following me at meetups and counting how many drinks I had. The other day, I got a comment that “I got hammered” after drinking three cups of plain lager, which is a laughable amount of alcohol in the Netherlands, where I live. So, be careful about your behavior at meet-ups and better sip your drinks veeeeeery slowly.

In the Bay Area, the business culture is tribal. When you invite someone to your network, it is a declaration of support for their tribe as well. Therefore, watch out who you show yourself with on social media.

Whom Should You Be Seen With?

It might be that your good friend ruffled some feathers the wrong way. And an innocent photo in which you hug each other might close some doors for you.

Next, one important element of building your reputation is associating yourself with strong brands. Sometimes, it is an idea to accept a pro-bono talk only because it happens in a prime location or under a household brand. Or, pay for a ticket to go to an event where the chances of meeting your idols in the corridor are high.

Also, please don’t shy away from mentioning any academic titles that you hold. Or household brands that you worked with in your career, in your conversations with strangers – this is a great occasion to build a reputation and earn authority points.

Lastly, don’t let others pull you into slander talk. One of the detrimental American tribal habits that I also encountered was criticising others behind their backs. Well, there are two types of people: those who make friends by praising people together and those who make friends by slandering people together.

Avoid the latter.

Furthermore, try to avoid sounding transactional. For instance, if someone you are talking to suddenly mentions their successful exit for $500 million and their new VC fund, asking them for a personal contact right then and there might look like gold-digging. You can always come back to the conversation later.

You need to build a reputation as a person who makes other people feel (1) heard, (2) safe, (3) appreciated. So, build trust by becoming a person who focuses on the positives and mediates between people and who doesn’t share any destructive opinions behind others’ backs.

Can You Kill Them With Kindness?

By the way, you might know the phrase “kill’em with kindness.” The truth is, while creating a safe place for others to speak, you become safer too. When you become widely known for being kind and helpful, no one can suddenly slander you without consequences for themselves.

Having that said, there is a great difference between being kind and naive. As Al Capone famously said, “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.” Better not to be a person who views the world as a happy pony land.

In that land, everyone does a great job and has good intentions, and there is no evil. And every story has a good ending.

It’s not how the world works, and looking at it through a pink lens won’t make it any more Barbie-like. So it’s best to be brutally honest with yourself, mindful, observant, and have a fair judgment of people. It’s just that you better filter your worlds and keep some of your opinions to yourself – that’s what kindness is.

So, keep your standards high. You need to be excellent to others and act with their best interest in mind.

But others need to be excellent to you as well. If they are not, kick them in the butt, as no one is irreplaceable.

My personal rule is “the rule of seven gifts.” If people don’t reciprocate my favors after seven gestures of support, I simply stop supporting them and go on.

Those gestures can be pieces of advice, gifts, useful information, or personal invitations. And I believe that’s quite generous.

Why Avoid Conflicts at Any Cost?

Lastly, one crucial element of building and maintaining a reputation is avoiding conflicts at any cost. This is not easy, especially in a competitive environment hosting multiple people with a high degree of success and excessive ego. Walking away from problematic situations and avoiding these toxic and explosive people is a skill that most people only learn from mistakes.

The point is: staying in close contact with those individuals can be harmful to your mental health. Still, it makes perfect sense to hang around in their circles. There might be a massive amount of know-how and opportunity involved.

Therefore, one technique I can recommend here is strategic appeasement. This management technique might be counterintuitive, but it works like a charm. Namely, it is developing an extra level of kindness and courtesy towards toxic people and acknowledging their professional achievements while keeping minimal personal contact.

For instance, you can approach such a person at a meetup and demonstrate genuine acknowledgment for their achievements in the field (even if you don’t appreciate their personality or attitude). And then gently disappear.

You can also make them little favors, e.g., share their content on social media, or get over your pride and invite them to speak at the meetup you are organizing. You’ll be able to keep poker face for just one day, even if you cannot stand someone’s company. I would call it “a shadow-ban in real life.”

Also, watch out for how I define reputation. Many people are vocal on social media and target sheer numbers. Or sheer eyeballs: try to maximize the number of followers, newsletter subscribers, events they attend, or organize.

Is Passing Information Enough?

I don’t think that’s the solution. Reputation is always competence-based, so if you are an empty vessel who just passes information without processing it, you will be marginalized. You need something more than that: add your own unique ingredient to the communications — whatever you are an expert at.

It could be your background knowledge or research from your undergrad studies, expertise in an adjacent field, independent opinions or analysis, or personal experiences. Could be anything other than just being an amplifier for other people’s content.

Lastly, censor yourself. California is utterly liberal. People are sensitive, and if they misunderstand your joke, they can remember it and tell people behind your back until death.

Multiple topics are sensitive, from politics, through personal taste, looks, religious beliefs, to sexual orientation. I’d say that if you want to be funny and keep yourself on the safe side, you need to choose one of two scenarios: (1) use self-deprecating humor, (2) laugh at the famous founders and VCs.

Pro tip #1: Having said that, it’s worth leveraging other brands’ reputation. Many conferences around the Bay Area welcome satellite events. This is symbiotic for both sides of the table.

As a smaller community builder, you gain additional audience reach via the main conference’s media outlets. Meanwhile, the conference organizer can offer their attendees more value for the same price. Example: TechCrunch Disrupt always announces an open call for satellite events a few weeks before its main conference in October.

And TechCrunch is not the only umbrella.com/” target=”_blank” rel=”noopener”>Human+Tech Week. You will be listed on the pages of the bigger event and added to more calendars, while they gain in reputation by offering their paying attendees extra free or low-budget satellite events.

Why Hold a Satellite Event?

Pure symbiosis!

In this palce, let me share my own finding I’m really happy about:

It’s worth holding a satellite event on the eve of the conference—for at least three independent reasons:

❶ The sponsor gets the registration data, i.e. all the contacts from the registered participants right in time for the conference, which is infinitely more valuable for them than getting the contacts during the conference or right after.

❷ You face way less competition, as few events schedule on that day. Plus, it sets a great vibe for the conference itself, like a support before a main convert – conference organizers love it.

❸ The first day of the conference is usually the busiest. So everyone arrives in town a day early to get some rest anyway. And they typically want to go out and look around instead of just sitting in their hotel.

Pro tip #2: Take care of your positioning as an expert. Make sure that whatever you say in public, you always add well-curated information, commentary, opinion, prediction, or other elements that are uniquely yours and served in your individual style.

20. Patience, Consistency, and Conscious Following.

To connect the dots, you first need to collect the dots. There is compound interest to networking.

You might network for 3 years with no visible outcome. And then, all of a sudden, you land a star investor for your startup.

Or you start getting sponsors paying you five numbers per placement on your event. Or you cash a $100,000 check for referring an executive-level employee.

I know so many people who were on the way to profit greatly from their network in the city… and they simply dropped out!

So, be patient and don’t be needy: don’t expect anything special to come out of any particular interaction. Just network, help people, and work on your craft so that the city knows what you are good at. Sometimes, you’ll get the itch to tell people exactly how deep in trouble you are and how much help you need.

But it’s just not the right time or place for it. The way hiveminds work is that abundance, unfortunately, comes to those who don’t need it.

And if you really need to vent, I can cordially recommend de-accelerators such as San Gregorio Ranch by Daniel Theobald, where founders meet every third Saturday of the month for a whole-day retreat. That’s where you can meet people who share the same issues.

Why Do You Need a Personal CRM?

And you are welcome to open up and share every struggle you are facing. You will not only be understood and advised, but you might actually get helped right on the spot.

Also, things don’t happen accidentally – almost no one can optimally build their network without having a system, such as a personal CRM for professional contacts, that you update daily, from one meetup to another. I initially objected to creating such a system.

When Do Friends Become Clients?

But then I realized that in the startup world, friends often become clients and vice versa. Now I have one CRM for both friends & family, and leads.

And so you build your social capital day by day, record by record. Of course, from time to time, you will experience inflection points on your way to becoming a well-connected person. You will just bump into the right person at the right place and time.

BUT in general, building a personal network is a compound effect of thousands of small, everyday decisions, such as “Netflix at home or a meetup in the city?” Don’t count on luck — develop the right habits that lead to a strong network in the long run.

People often wonder: “Why should I network if I have nothing to sell just yet? I first built my MVP and went networking when the time came.”

Well, you always have something to sell: yourself. If not about projects, you can have a regular conversation about life philosophy and values.

Or, just ask questions and listen. Investors are tired of people pitching startup ideas to them 24/7.

From experience, I can say that they typically enjoy it when someone is willing to have a relaxed conversation and listen to their life wisdom instead of trying to sell them something. Besides, social capital is like money in the bank: you accumulate it and use it later when you need it.

Furthermore, building strategic contacts and genuine friendships is more about putting in small effort over a long period than having a great time and exciting adventures together just once.

How Do You Build Trust in Little Steps?

So, show some initiative and catch up with people. Build trust by taking little steps toward others and making little gestures over time.

Use opportunities such as Christmas time or New Year’s Eve to ask them how they are doing and make personalized wishes. Also, don’t be pushy and don’t disturb people; don’t call them without notice and give them time to respond — for instance, record a voice message via WhatsApp rather than calling without notice.

Lastly, don’t buy into the rhetoric that everyone needs to be a leader. This narrative is one of the pivotal parts of the hustle culture.

It pushes you to fight for attention and place on stage, whatever your personality type or natural talents. And yet so many people thrive behind the scenes rather than on stage.

When I came to the Bay Area in August of 2022, I had this first instinct to become a leader, too. That’s what they all tell us at school, at work, on the media… Success equals leadership.

And so I started organizing community meetups for founders in the South Bay under the working name “Phantom Boss Network.” I had no plan, no personal brand in the Valley, no resources, no visa to stay around, and no knowledge about how networking in this area of the world even works.

That first initiative died quickly. And ever since, I organized many events revolving around labor, entrepreneurship, and the Future of Work.

Some of them are super-successful, others I’d call little flops. But all of them opened new doors and let me make deeper connections with people.

How Do You Organize Events Without a Car?

I don’t even own a car. And after participating in a few car accidents (including one earlier this year), I am too terrified to drive. In these conditions, organizing any event on American soil was a formidable challenge.

After miraculously managing to put together a few small events — mostly due to the immense help of my friend Nicole Borgaard & the serial Founder & then-CEO of Hacker Dojo, Ed Choudhry — I felt exhausted.

I forged a few precious friendships in the process, and the sentiment after the meetups was highly positive. But eventually, I realised that I am not supposed to play the role of a leader. Not here, not now.

In my own business, I am the unquestioned leader and captain of the ship. But here, in the Bay Area, I was meant to be a follower.

And, being a good follower is as important as being a good leader. Communities are not created by leaders but rather, by their faithful followers. Those who acknowledge the leadership, cherish the community, attend the meetings, disseminate information, spread the good word, listen to other participants, connect people, throw good ideas, and help out.

Here in the Bay Area, there are dozens of strong community leaders who need engaged, active followers. As an engaged, active follower, you will be welcome everywhere and feel like you were on the womb of sorts. Plus, being an active follower and a connector gives an unmatched degree of freedom and mobility.

So, if you feel like a spectator or a maverick in the local community, don’t be sad :) Perhaps, you are about to become the most useful and the happiest person in the room.

21. You Are Somebody Too.

If you encounter one of the locally famous people or attend a presentation from a great, charismatic speaker, don’t be shy to approach and talk to them. Yes, there are lots of people with egos in the Bay Area. But most of those who got somewhere are modest on the inside.

And remember: You are somebody too! There are hundreds of things you know better than them.

And don’t shy away from taking personal risks. Step forward and ask bold questions during public talks. Reach out to your idols and talk to them as equals.

Remember the saying: There is no champagne without risk. You will be surprised how often an open attitude and a friendly approach beat status when it comes to shaking hands on deals.

Plus, these people are mortals like everyone else. The fact that they are well known doesn’t mean that they aren’t stressed about a public talk or so.

They will appreciate warm words after the talk, just like every beginner in public speaking would appreciate them. So, catch the positive sentiment and make connections in those moments when they step down from the stage with an expression of relief on their faces.

22. Find Local Tap with Information.

Every little tribe in the job market is different and communicates via their preferred channels. For instance, a large chunk of the academic environment ditched Twitter/X on behalf of Mastodon and other decentralized social networks, while the local VCs stuck to Twitter/X and the Bay Area startup world followed them. So, hunt for your tribe online as long as it takes.

* Recently, Michelle Fang created the “Starter Guide to SF for Founders,” a comprehensive source of information, listing not only local communities, workspaces, startup incubation programs, and VC firms. But also housing opportunities or neighborhood breakdown. Highly recommended read!

In your networking strategy, mix networking on multiple levels:

Macroscale networking: reaching out to broader audience, typically online,
Mesoscale networking: operating in small groups that share common interests, e.g. meetup groups and online communities,
Miscroscale networking: finding individuals to professionally network with, preferably local hubs.

For instance, in the case of the local startup community in San Francisco, these levels might mean as follows:

Macroscale networking: (1) building the social media presence via LinkedIn, Twitter/X & Instagram (I’m getting the impression that Facebook is falling behind as a medium of communication in the Bay Area); (2) applying to speak at the local conferences.
Mesoscale networking: (1) following the leading weekly newsletters listing the incoming local events in tech (such as Cerebral Valley, SFIRL, or TechStars Startup Digest Silicon Valley) and attending some of the listed meetups; (2) joining popular local Slack groups for founders in tech such as Cerebral Valley, Llama Lounge, Gen AI Collective, AI Salon, Noisebridge.

What Is Microscale Networking?

Microscale networking: (1) scheduling a coffee or a Zoom call with all the interesting individuals encountered at meetups and conferences. They might potentially have synergistic plans or businesses. Second, reaching out to people whom you can help via online communities and social media. That means sharing useful information and resources, and offering time, substantive, and mental support.

Also, mind that there are two types of network search: exhaustive and non-exhaustive search. If you aim to find a particular individual, you need to perform an exhaustive search through the local community. In that case, the depth of your network must be substantially higher than in the case of a non-exhaustive search.

How Deep Must You Go to Reach Tim Draper?

For instance, if you seek to talk to Tim Draper, you will need two orders of magnitude deeper penetration of the local environment than if you wish to talk to any established VC, without specifying identity.

One more tap worth bookmarking: before you start shaking hands, study the Silicon Valley AI Leadership Map — an interactive network graph, paired with a free companion book, that traces roughly 420 people and 1,700+ public relationships across the AI industry.

It shows who mentors whom, who funds whom, who left which lab to found what. Networking here is, at bottom, about understanding how influence, trust, talent, and capital actually flow. And this map lets you see that structure instead of guessing at it.

Use it to find the shortest warm path to someone you would like to meet. And to walk into a room already knowing who is who.

It will not replace the hundreds of coffees. But it is the closest thing to a satellite view of the ecosystem you are about to enter.

23. Don’t Put Yourself in the Spotlight.

Spotlight has one interesting property: the crowd chooses whom to put in the spotlight. If you try to put yourself in there, the lights will just go off.

Some people make this mistake: while interacting with their professional environment, they tend to brag and picture themselves as well connected and important. For instance, they post photos of themselves standing next to a big fish in the field, flex with deals they made, and report news only after they already benefitted from the first hand information. Their thinking is: “If people know how important and powerful I am, they will come to me willing to work with me.”

But that’s not how it works! All these flamboyant signs of power only annoy people. Instead, they’ll line up to work with you only if you communicate your power by simply helping them.

And what if you are so introverted that staying away from the spotlight becomes your default behavior? Well, remember that there are various types of charisma and leadership; not every leader behaves like an alpha female or female. You can find your ways of building powerful network without pushing yourself to act out of your character.

Can Introverts Be Great Networkers?

Even some of thew most successful founders of all time classify themselves as introverts, including Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, or Larry Page.

While in San Francisco, I met dozens of great networkers who represented a variety of networking techniques. Just to name a few examples:

Jeremiah Owyang, whose strength is spotting trends in cutting-edge (AI) tech, discovering factors for success, and taking a lead on building a vibrant community around AI. His series of Llama Lounge events are mini-festivals of AI innovation. This is the to-go-to place for the San Francisco AI community.

Who Are San Francisco’s Best Networkers?

Shahriyar Mammadov (a.k.a.) Sako M, whose strength is radical inclusion. He leads a friendly, supportive WhatsApp group for local tech founders (contact him if interested in joining!), attends hundreds of hackathons, and shares his everyday lessons via social media.
Mariane Bekker, whose strength is capturing trends, going with the flow, and scaling events for the San Francisco tech community. She entered the space by starting a WhatsApp community for female tech founders. Soon she started operations way beyond that scope. She pulled off some of the biggest and most innovative social events in the Bay Area. Think GigaParties for 2,000+ people.
Grace Ling whose strength is putting art and tech together, and building a vibrant community around it. Grace started her career in the startup world by creating Design Buddies, a worldwide community of designers. Then, he expanded to conferences, hiring services and other business activities around design.
Atal Agarwal, whose strength is an unconditional joy of life and authenticity. He has talent for captivating people’s attention and inspiring them thanks to his positive energy and eagerness to share his professional mission day in day out. Atal also leads a few WhatsApp groups, focusing mostly on immigrants in America and their visa-related issues.
Pavel Vinitsky, whose strength is optimizing the due diligence process for VCs, and effectively merging the tech scene with the VC scene by launching quality in-promptu tech conferences featuring top investors such as Frontier Tech Forum at the Draper Institute.
Steven Echtman, whose strength is his life-long experience in event production. He produces multiple conferences in SF throughout the year, including StepSF and Human+Tech Week, and each event is impeccable.

Which Other Networkers Are Worth Knowing?

Natalie Pan whose strength is supporting founders in the pre-accelerator stage and setting their mindset to growth and winning. He leads the Breakthrough Lab, an online pre-accelerator accompanied by group retreats IRL.
James Gee, whose strength is organizing events with an unforgettable vibe. Startup Grind, a two-day conference on tech startups, has become an iconic event.
Shawn Flynn whose strength is attracting opinion-forming talent from all around the world. His Create the Future Summit is the to-go-to summer tech event in San Francisco.
Murray Newlands, whose strength is attracting strong VCs and senior tech experts to his invite-only networking events.

I’d advise any newcomer in the city to follow some (or all) of these people and find them in person at the nearest event.

24. Networking Is Just a (Long-Term) Game.

Gen Z often reports having a hard time networking in person. In times of social media, we grew apart so much that for many, it feels uncomfortable to approach strangers in person, even in such controlled conditions as a business meeting.

But hey, don’t buy into this “snowflake” rhetoric! Indeed, we are all getting increasingly better at syncing with technology and, at the same time, increasingly worse in direct communication with humans… but that’s not the reason to give up. It’s a reason to pay more attention to learning and care more.

Do you think all these public speakers and Hollywood actors were born with their great charisma? Most of them are professionally trained in communications and acting.

You can actually get professional training in in-person communication for free, e.g., at YouTube channels such as Charisma on Command.

You can also train your memory, e.g. visiting the channel Ron White Memory Expert.

There is a (free!) medicine for almost any of your issues with networking, just browse for it.

Lastly, as a conversation starter, it might help learning something about other cultures. E.g., as an undergrad, I used to watch some of the top Bollywood movies of all time. It was my shameless guilty pleasure back then.

It so happens that the startup circles in San Francisco host a vibrant community of excellent Indian founders and developers. If you recognize just a few Bollywood stars, it is enough to connect with your fresh Indian friends, as actors and actresses are worshipped in India like demigods.

Why Treat Networking as a Game?

) part of it. So, treat networking like a great game that offers amazing rewards such as friends, (mental) health, money, travel, relaxation, unforgettable experiences, or even love. Enjoy.

Find your path to success. Personal networking style is like a diet — there is no “one fits all.”

San Francisco is a mixed bag of people. In the process, you will meet impostors: those who seem to be people- and problem-oriented. And idealistic on the surface, while in fact are calculated, greedy, or even sociopathic on the inside, and feed on other people’s ideas and achievements.

Meanwhile, you will meet gems: young people who look and sound goofy. And yet, turn out to be hard-working visionaries with a background and network from Ivy League universities, building solutions to the biggest problems of today’s world.

You need to develop your own, unique strategies as your own life hacks are the most satisfying among all. So, experiment! Sometimes, it takes counterintuitive actions to achieve your goals.

For instance, in order to fly you need to first learn how to… swim. Yes, it’s true — you cannot get hired as a steward or stewardess without being a great swimmer.

Similarly, I noticed that in order to learn how life in the San Francisco / Bay Area works, I need to first learn about the topography and customs in… India. The local Indian minority is so prominent yet so undervalued that as little effort as learning a few greetings and meal names in Hindi and watching a few Bollywood movies opens many, many doors.

What Small LinkedIn Tricks Work?

Another example. I discovered that on LinkedIn, choosing a reaction to a post that other users didn’t choose (among 6 options) draws the author’s attention to my profile.

I also found out that, in principle, it is beneficial to the first person to comment on posts. And using open-source speech-to-text tools such as SpeechTexter makes me really fast.

Another example. I have bright green eyes with a dark ring around the iris. So, when I take a seat at a business meeting, I tend to choose a seat that lets a beam of light shine onto my face.

So I get piercing eyesight and can stare at the other party like a wild cat. And so on and so forth. You get the idea.

When it comes to playing the networking game, be patient and catch your individual rhythm. If meetups wear you down, limit time spent in public places until it takes to restore homeostasis.

Don’t compare with others as it’s a long-term game. It works way better to attend one well-researched, well-suited meetup per week than to network at random every evening.

Also, since it’s a long-term game, don’t be desperate. If you feel that “it’s not your day,” sometimes it’s better to stay at home than go to a crowded place and appear miserable or anxious. There will be a ton of other occasions.

25. A Few Brutal Truths About Networking.

Last but not least, it is good to accept a few simple truths about networking that might be harsh and yet so helpful. According to Willis and Todorov (2006), people form lasting judgments about a stranger’s competence and trustworthiness within a tenth of a second of seeing their face, well before either of you has said a word.

If people say they don’t care about something, they do care about it. For instance, when they say they don’t care about age, they DO care about age. You can recognize that someone doesn’t care about something when they never mention it.
If people say they don’t have time, they don’t have time FOR YOU. 99 times out of 100, it means that you or your problem don’t matter and you should capitulate instead of hoping they will find time for you in the future.
When people say “I’m not judging but…” Yes, they are judging.
Say you tell a story and the only thing you hear in response is the phrase “It’s interesting.” That usually means it is NOT interesting at all. Your interlocutor is bored to death. They probably haven’t even been listening to what you’ve been saying.

What If You Just Can’t Click With Someone?

If you cannot develop a fluent conversation with someone, you are boxing. You go down to the level of meta-discussion about communication styles and rules. It is probably not going to work between the two of you. You will end up with a communication breakdown, regardless of the energy you put into it. So if you don’t need that person for your networking purposes, just run at that point.
People only care about themselves. Your job is NOT persuading them that you are worth caring — this approach is doomed to fail! Instead, your job is to find synergy between your goals and the goals of the other person, so that by working together, you both win.

Can You Make Everyone Like You?

If you believe that you can make everyone like you, you will end up bitter and disappointed. The truth is, no matter how kind and helpful you are, your success always raffles someone’s feathers. The only people who don’t have any antagonists are those who achieved nothing. So, manage your expectations… and if you feel like everyone enjoys your accompany then well, that’s probably bad news.
If someone is guarded in your presence and doesn’t take off the mask, you won’t force yourself through. You either click with people or you don’t. People can be self-protective and keep you away from their real identity and their circle for many reasons: safety, different environment, different outlook on life or politics, just (justified or not) lack of trust. And sometimes, you and your demeanor just don’t appeal to their personal taste, that’s all. All you can do is to make one little step toward them. Open up a little, and observe if they are willing to return the favor. Will they make a small step in your direction, and “dance with you”? If not, you just have to go on.
Finding people who are smart and/or successful is easy; finding people with low ego is hard.
Why Don’t People Read Minds?
People don’t read in minds. If someone says “Och damn, I have so much X!” and you say, “My God, I would love to get some X!”, don’t expect them to give you any of their X.
How Do You Ask for What You Want?
You need to plant the instructions on their minds as precisely as possible. So, if you say: “Can you please give me some of your X?,” you are much more likely to get what you want.
Virtually any situation is either a disaster or an opportunity (and usually, it’s an opportunity!), depending how you look at it.
For instance, when the traffic at Twitter/X started dropping earlier this year, I got sad about it at first.
I thought to myself: “So much work over the years. And even an article on networking via Twitter (!) written and published for nothing…” But then, I noticed that the big names in IT industry and VC firms stayed around at Twitter/X. I rung the bell at all profiles I found interesting and started commenting on the content.
Because of low traffic, I was often the first person to comment on new posts at my idols’ profiles. This got me lots of new contacts and opportunities.
What Are Your Own Shortcomings?
You have to learn your shortcomings on the path to greatness. My networking improved dramatically when I learned that I have a resting bitch face. And I simply cannot afford NOT smiling or otherwise, I just scare people off.
Where Is the Line Between Opportunism and Machiavellism?
There is a thin red line between healthy opportunism and Machiavellism. Sometimes, being optimal in your networking habits is just not optimal in the grand scheme of things as it comes across as too cold and calculated. Sometimes you just have to let go.
Most people suck at networking, so don’t put your expectations too high. Even people with high IQ will misinterpret your intentions, unintentionally offend you, or show lack of empathy. I am regularly called a Russian, asked if Poland and Holland is the same thing, and get plenty of weird and offensive proposals at business meetups.
So, take networking with the inventory.
How Much Rejection Should You Expect?
Prepare yourself for a loooot of fuckups. For instance, the fact that we are using English on both sides of the Atlantic Ocean doesn’t mean that we use the same expressions to describe the same things.
And I don’t mean the punctuation, but rather, the convention of speaking.
What Does “Sorry” Mean in Different Englishes?
” Meanwhile, in European English, the same phrase means asking for a favor with no expectation of delivery.” doesn’t mean anything. Especially in the Netherlands, people say “sorry” 20 times a day for no apparent reason.
“…” To sum up, in San Francisco, you will be swimming in a multicultural environment. It’s almost a Babel Tower.
That’s why, sometimes, it’s better to forget about charm and seduction. And put the cards on the table: let go of mystery, do a reality check.
Why Stand Your Ground?
Stand your ground. The tech world is full of opinionated people who make too many assumptions.
I often listen to founders trash-talking investors and VC firms. Yet they have never built any form of relationship with any investor.
Similarly, many people will develop opinions about you, judging you by the first impression or by other people’s opinion. And, many of them will think they know better how you should live your life or develop your business. So, prepare for a ton of patronizing talks and remember: stand your ground; eyes on the prize.
Is Networking a Game of Nerves?
Networking is like a game of “nervo” in which you will be challenged with lots of infuriating stimuli and your job is to stand still. You will face idiots who become multi-millionairies just because they found themselves in the right place at the right time. And their co-founder did all the job.
You will face idiots who were born in wealthy families and who sit in your board without contributing anything but their ancestors’ cash. You will face angry crowd of “common citizen” on Twitter and IRL.
How Do You Face Contempt for Entrepreneurs?
People who have no idea what entrepreneurship is. Who hate entrepreneurs by default and believe that we get rich by sucking blood from our employees.
You will meet with an expression of contempt on the faces of your corporate relatives at a Christmas dinner. Again: your job is to stand still. And smile.
It doesn’t matter how hard you work… if you keep on pivoting. My observation is that, most founders around Bay Area have a tendency to pivot too early and drop projects every few months, way before they get any realistic chance of succeeding.
How Young Are the Local Communities?
Most local communities were launched after the pandemic. Which means that no community leaders were resilient enough to survive a few months of a break.
This means that you can win a lot in the San Francisco reputation game if you are simply (i) kind and (ii) consistent — even if you are not as genius or turbo-energic as some other people around here. I personally find it good news.
How Do Americans Say No?
Americans vote with their feet. They won’t tell you straight in your face that they disagree with what you say or don’t value your work. Instead, they will say that all is awesome…
but then, they won’t show up to the next meeting and stop answering the phone. So, don’t listen to what people say. But rather, pay attention to what people do and how they choose to spend their time.
If someone seems to feel busy every time you try to reach them, don’t push. Just take the loss and move on.
Is Networking a Solo Game?
At the end of the day, business is a team game, but networking is a solo game. You build your individual portfolio of contacts, so aim to build in a way that maximizes for agency. So that you have the keys to all the right doors.
And you don’t need anyone else to open them when necessary. Hoping for a deus ex machina and waiting for friends to save you using their contacts once you get in trouble might disappoint you deeply.
On the good side of things, networking — when done right and while keeping personal standards high. Is the most pleasant and rewarding activity there is.
Why Shouldn’t You Burn Bridges?
Related to that, don’t burn your contacts on stupidities. I’m too eager to help people out. And that sometimes makes me act way too fast.
E.g., a casual friend whom I talked to twice in my lifetime asked for a little help. And I passed them right through to that powerful, well-connected person to solve that irrelevant problem, instead of saving this valuable contact for a better occasion, e.g., the day when I need help myself.
“The 48 Laws of Power” by Robert Greene is a brutal book, but worth reading here. So many rules apply! And I believe they will be equally relevant in 20 years from now.
What If Someone Never Responds?
If someone consistently does not respond to your emails or never finds time to meet, they just don’t perceive you as useful or relevant enough; that’s that. No reason to whine about it; just make yourself more relevant and/or useful.
What Are Void Communities?
Void communities. Be practical about the communities you choose to join.
In San Francisco, many communities are heavily driven by ego, status signaling, and the pursuit of prestige, often without delivering much real value in return. And honestly, it’s difficult to recognize such communities from the outside, because superficially they all tend to look similar.
How Do You Evaluate a Community?
The best approach is to evaluate them case by case. If you spend months regularly attending meetings, engaging in WhatsApp or Slack groups.
And investing your attention into a community that, in practice, does not provide useful information, meaningful relationships, or opportunities that help you grow or open new doors. Then it is probably one of those “void communities.”
And that’s okay. Not every community will be the right fit. The important thing is to recognize it early and consciously reduce the amount of time and energy you invest there.
Your attention is limited, and it is often much better spent in smaller, more genuine circles where people openly exchange knowledge, opportunities, support, and real value. At the end of the day, if you consistently spend time among people who do not truly share anything meaningful with you, you should not feel guilty about moving on.
How Do You Narrow Your Circle?
Be picky. Not everyone is exceptional, not everyone is a true expert, and not everyone will be valuable for your personal or professional growth. I would describe my personal strategy as: “first unfold, then fold.”
In other words, first meet a large number of people and explore broadly. Then gradually narrow your circle down to those who genuinely bring something meaningful into your life. So, focus on the people who contribute real value — whether through knowledge, opportunities, friendship, inspiration, emotional support, entertainment value, or practical collaboration — and learn to ignore the rest.
How Do You Filter the Noise?
San Francisco is full of noise, and your job is to identify the signal hidden within it. Say someone constantly comes to you asking for help but never gives anything back. No support, no useful information, no genuine friendship, not even basic reciprocity or respect for your time.
When Should You Distance Yourself?
Then it is usually better to distance yourself. Many people are primarily focused on advancing their own agenda and may treat others merely as vehicles for their personal ambitions. You do not need to be friends with everyone.
And You certainly do not need to let everyone into your life. Your attention, energy, and network are valuable, so protect them.
Visualize and build day by day.This will sound like a woo-woo new age visualization rhetoric, but you won’t meet your dream people on day one.
You need to make yourself useful and network up gradually. And eventually, that slow, systematic growth will lead you to the point when high-profile friends become your everyday reality. Then, once you get to the people you really want to get to, you are already well-connected and feel self-confident at heart.
And You don’t act like a fish out of water. It’s a process. I’m naturally shy, so it takes me a ton of time and courage to approach accomplished, well-connected, and charismatic people.
Despite meeting thousands of souls on my way, I still get heart palpitations if I encounter someone way out of my league (I just hide it better than I once did). But, I’ll get there!
Who Are the Extractors?
A Word on Extractors.
Beware of extractors; there are plenty of people in the city who will try to extract value from you without doing much. For instance, they will come to you and propose a joint event.
How Does the Extraction Play Out?
And while you send invitations to all your mailing list of 10,000+, they will just do 500 or 1,000 invites (claiming that they cannot do more as “they have limits on their account”) and collect all your contacts. As this is how Luma works. If you co-organize an event, then you share the mailing list of all people invited to that event, regardless of who invited these people.
Who Takes the Stage While You Do the Dirty Work?
You will also meet people who try to share the work in their own favor. They spend all the time on stage, e.g.,
leading the event and the panels.
Meanwhile, you do all the dirty work behind the stage. That means getting food, managing registrations, handling all the questions thrown in your way, and cleaning after the event.
My approach to this is: better to lead your own events, even if you can only afford to do this a few times a year. And if you do it well, other community builders will knock on your door sooner or later. And then, since you are in the driving seat, you can politely explain that the programming for the event is your job and your job only.
(Frankly, for the rest you can ask volunteers. The locals are very helpful and enthusiastic in general; they are Californians after all)
A Word on the Exponential Curves. The exponential curve still looks exponential once you look into it under the magnifying glass.
In the exponential curve, you always feel behind, and you always feel late to the game. You might be thinking: I’m too late… There are so many meetups and communities out there in the city; how would I compete and make any impact?
There were times when I thought so too… and then I saw people coming from nowhere, moving fast. And singlehandedly developing huge communities that reach hundreds of thousands today — all in front of my eyes.
So, so — you are not too late. Plus, there is always room left after all of these people who just quit a moment before they get successful.
Is San Francisco Really a Blue Ocean?

Initially, I believed that networking in San Francisco is NOT a game of “Survivor” in which you need to outsmart, outwit, and outlast people. I thought that people in San Francisco live and breathe the blue ocean philosophy and are utterly diplomatic and friendly.

But when I looked closer, some cracks in that ideal picture have surfaced. Networking here is a game.

And if you don’t play it well, you get marginalized and broke in the long term. That means game over, and moving to Texas or some other cheaper place.

And yes, just like in the game of Survivor, you need three elements. First, the physical game (that is, resilience in shipping projects).

Second, the strategic game (that is, good decision-making and investing your time in the right people and projects). Third, the social game: making lots of contacts, keeping pokerface when necessary and being cutthroat when necessary.

I’ve seen many people with kind faces and demonic claws that come out whenever you accidentally step on their feet. They can go from 0 to 100 in a split second. So, what looks like a happy pony land can easily turn into mayhem if you ruffle some feathers.

What Can Europeans Learn From the American Temperament?

And one cultural note for the newcomers, especially those of us arriving from Europe. The thing that finally clicked for me about the American professional temperament is the ability to let go of shame, openly acknowledge your weaknesses. And double down on your strengths instead of wasting years trying to fix what will never be your competitive edge.

Where I grew up, education trained the opposite instinct — grind on your weakest subject until it’s merely mediocre. San Francisco rewards the inverse: bring your strengths loudly, and outsource your weaknesses without apology.

It feels alien at first. It is also the whole game.

A Word on the City of San Francisco.

Lastly, most of the advice in this article applies to networking in any city. But let me add a few remarks about San Francisco specifically.

The startup culture in San Francisco differs from that in other cities, as it is much more open. Unlike, say, in New York, people share the demo of their projects here without fear of getting scooped. So, if you come here, you will be expected to openly share your professional mission and a pitch on what you are building, without hiding behind NDAs.
Networking in San Francisco gives a flavor of social media in real life. Namely, interactions are often brief and superficial. There are plenty of people whom you bump into at every meetup, and yet, every single conversation is small talk. You have to put on a happy face and smile even on a bad day, because failure is a weakness. If you don’t grow a thick skin and don’t learn how to build and maintain close friendships in this superficial world, you might simply get depressed.
Why Does the City’s Size Matter?
San Francisco is a tight city planned on a grid and with logical street names. If you rely on your feet and memory more than your iPhone and Uber. And if you choose to walk to events, after just a few months, you will have an almost complete map.
of the city center on your mind. I believe that learning the map of central San Francisco bit by bit from one event to another greatly helped me in feeling at home here.
Why Is Money Easier Than Dating Here?
In San Francisco, it is much easier to make money than to get laid. Yes, it’s not a typo. I went to multiple meetings that were supposed to be dates… and instead, they ended up with a side-project, affiliate agreement, coaching deal, planning an event, or something else. I’m telling you so that you are prepared for the Great Frustration.
San Francisco provides. Stick to your professional mission, reach a certain level of excellence, and network well. Then you can be sure of one thing. Sooner or later you will enjoy benefits from your work. But not necessarily in a way that you planned. Which is great! The city will amaze you with its abundance. When I arrived in San Francisco in the spring of 2023, I was primarily planning to learn about AI. Now that I have spent a few months in the city, the next levels of possibilities get unlocked one by one: scouting options, speaking engagements, etc. So, start from a position of a passionate person with a strong personal mission, communicate your mission clearly and consequently, and keep your eyes open — and the city of San Francisco will provide.
Why Is Networking a Probabilistic Game?
Networking is a probabilistic game. And that’s especially true in San Francisco: even with the best strategy and making the best effort, some portion of your results will depend on luck. You might suddenly meet the right person at the right time and experience an inflection point in your career.
But it won’t happen if you don’t leave any space for improvising. So, beyond any strategy you have, leave yourself a margin of time for freestyle: unconstrained networking beyond your comfort zone. Indulge in random conversations with random people.
Where Do You Bump Into Fascinating People?
Go to Burning Man. Go to a party with furries.
Go dancing in SF. You might bump into fascinating people who might turn the course of your career.
San Francisco is a living, breathing organism that changes constantly. Workplaces and hacker houses are often ephemeral — they open, blossom, and close abruptly. If you come back to the city after a few months of absence, don’t be fooled.
Do You Have to Relearn the City?
You will have to relearn the map of “who is who” and “what is where.” It’s both the best and the worst thing about the city. So, don’t assume that you know the city and prepare for every single journey to SF: reconnect with local friends and browse for the current options.
What Are San Francisco’s Tribal Habits?
San Francisco has its tribal habits. For instance, startups habitually give away stickers with their logos at events. While in Europe, there is no tradition of using promo stickers, this tradition is very strong in the US.
It took me a while to understand that… I don’t need to understand; I just need to give away stickers.
Why Is the City a Bit Explosive?
And for some reason, people will jump on these stickers like zombies and put my company logo on their laptops. Why? No clue, but the PR and marketing value is priceless.
The city is full of strong personalities and money… which makes it a bit explosive. Especially once you start organizing events, you will realize that the landscape of “who likes whom” is quite complex. There are tons of people who behave like children. They won’t sit on panels next to each other, all because of some disagreement from years ago. They spread rumors about each other. And they try to convince you not to work with certain people. There are also some people who have a bad opinion in town… but no one remembers why. Heider’s balance theory well explains the origin of conflicts between people and how the conflict propagates throughout networks: once one disagreement happens, it makes massive waves. And, with so much money at stake, disagreements WILL happen.

What Is Dieting in Negative?

Dieting in negative. Founders and community leaders in this city have such a high gravitational field! Everyone you meet and talk to will try to talk you out of what you do and persuade you to join them on their mission. If you don’t firmly stick to your mission and stand your ground, you will be pulled into somebody else’s orbit. You have to literally remind yourself what your vision and mission are while brushing your teeth every morning. And then go out and try to gain as much mass as possible. Once upon a time, I perceived this as a problem. Now that I‘m starting to gain my own (mental) mass, I perceive it more as an exciting game to play. It’s like anti-dieting: you aim to get as heavy as possible.
San Francisco is the city of builders. When someone asks you: “Who are you?” or “What are you up to?,” they couldn’t care less about your resume, professional history, titles, or accolades. The only thing they are interested in is: What are you building right now? Do we have synergy? So, cut to the chase and give them what they want.

Why Volunteer at Events?

Volunteer at events. When you are planning to attend an event, try to avoid coming as a passive participant. Even the smallest engagement already opens doors. Most event organizers need volunteers for their events. Think all kinds of tasks: taking photos, helping at the registration desk, checking people in, cleaning up afterwards. You just need to check the organizers’ names via the event’s landing page (usually at lu.ma these days) and find them on socials. Helping people goes a long way. So, why go to an event and do nothing in particular if you can upgrade your status to a team member? You can be a friendly helper one day and get promoted to a speaker or a panel moderator the next day. Happened many times to me.In that spirit, you can also ask to moderate sessions – the barrier to entry is usually much lower than for speaking as a panelist. And most conferences will still feature you on their landing page as a speaker.If you moderate a session, you can also kindly ask your speakers to write a kind word about you for the conference organizers. Nice little hack to put a foot in the door — and next time, you might be given more responsibilities at the conference.

What Should You Bring to Meetings?

Don’t come over to meetings with empty hands if possible. Of course, if you are entirely new in the city, coming empty-handed is logical and normal. However, if you made some friends before and you re-enter the US as an expat, bringing a few little gifts from your home country is highly welcome.Especially if you fly in from Europe, bring something small with you as Americans are obsessed with European culture. Whenever I fly in from the Netherlands, I bring a few packs of stroopwafels with me. Whenever I fly in from Poland, I bring krowkas or something along these lines. My American friends really value those little gestures.
Why Are One-on-Ones So Powerful?
Powerful one-on-ones. Your speed of building impact in the city is a combination of two things: powerful public speeches and powerful one-on-ones. When you meet a new person, you have to give them your undivided attention for a few minutes and create a lot of value to make a lasting Impression.And, you need to read the room. Say you have to deal with someone junior or new in the city.
How Do You Talk to Someone More Senior?
It is easy to give them good guidance. Just share what you know about starting in the city, or drop some useful contacts. But if this is someone more senior and experienced than you, giving unsolicited advice might sound arrogant or patronizing.
In that case, it is much better to just amuse them or ask them a few absurd questions to put them a little off guard and make sure they have a good (or at least, interesting) time. And sometimes, you only have ten seconds to make an impression on a high-profile figure you’ve just met in the door. In these conditions, you will likely do better if you tell that person something about them rather than about yourself (just like everyone else in the room who tries to pitch to them) —like an observation you made about their work, their personal style, their character.

Let me give you an example. Some time in the past, I met a guy who is quite well known in the Silicon Valley. It so happened that before I bumped into him, I had read his LinkedIn profile.
What Do People Remember Hearing?
And so, I simply spoke my thoughts. I said, “What I like about you is that, you never gave up. I can see from your career story that you didn’t have it easy, and you waited very long for your eventual success.
”
He smiled back at me. I could see that I stroke the right cord: while everyone else notices his status right now, I was the one to notice how hard he had to grind to get here in the first place.
Now he smiles at me every time he sees me.
Be pound-wise, not penny-wise. My observation is that many people, even millionaires, act small when it comes to money. They can be penny-wise and bicker over five or ten dollars, or argue about who owes whom — even though one hour of their labor might be worth six hundred dollars or more. That means they lose ten dollars for every minute they spend arguing. It’s absurd. I see this mistake a lot in San Francisco.
If you are a woman, look for mentors who have adult daughters. Those people usually look for role models for their daughters and naturally sympathize with women trying to make something of themselves… as the only ones.
San Francisco is extremely small and has ears. The city has fewer than a million inhabitants. Look closer into the startup community, and it is effectively a few thousand people plus a rotating crowd of rookies. Most of them leave the city with empty hands after a few weeks to a few months. This means that you will bump into every single San Francisco local you ever met again. So, invest in relations and, again, avoid conflict as if it were fire.

Why Be Patient With People Here?

Be patient with people. This is a massive city — busy, chaotic, and often disorganized — and the same can be said about the founders, investors, and the broader community. People move fast, juggle too many commitments, and constantly operate under pressure. As a result, they sometimes miss messages, arrive late, cancel at the last minute, overpromise, or simply drop the ball on their promises. It’s rarely about bad intentions. That’s why patience matters so much here. Most people are doing their best while managing intense workloads and personal challenges. Losing good relationships over small disappointments would be a real pity. So try to be the person who allows others their imperfections — who lets minor hiccups pass, gives people the benefit of the doubt, and focuses on the bigger picture rather than the small things.
Research the people you meet. Many people in the city lie about their status. They are between jobs, yet they don’t list their last employer’s brand on their LinkedIn profiles since being jobless is stigmatized. Even though they wrote their last check five years ago, they consider themselves investors just because it gives them status in Silicon Valley. They say they are a Founder just because they vibe-coded a useless platform the previous weekend. And they think the “founder” label attracts girls. Better to do a background check, or otherwise, you will waste a lot of time on business meetings with people who want your time and have nothing to offer you back.

Where Should You Meet?

Be creative about finding locations for (business) meetings. Americans love discovering new locations, and for them, it adds to the overall experience and perception of you. San Francisco hosts hundreds of little cafes, parks, cozy corners, rooftops, and other scenic, Instagrammable places – even within the financial district. Some examples HERE.

Why Is Talking Politics a Losing Game?

Talking politics in San Francisco is a losing game. San Franciscans tend to hold strong political opinions, and the environment can be highly polarized. Once politics enters a conversation, even if your perspective is balanced and reasonable, there is a good chance you will end up ruffling some feathers. If you are surrounded by people who already share your views, the conversation often adds little value beyond mutual agreement. But if others hold different opinions, openly discussing politics can quietly distance people from you socially or professionally. In many cases, people will not confront you directly — they will simply disengage from your circles over time.Because of this, I generally think it is wiser to avoid political discussions in public settings, and sometimes even among close friends. Of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But In practice, very little good tends to come from broadcasting them openly. It is healthier to focus on topics where you can genuinely create impact and contribute constructively, rather than getting pulled into divisive public debates or reacting to every controversy amplified by the media. For that reason, I would strongly recommend keeping professional communication as apolitical as possible.

Why Embrace Your Uniqueness?

Embrace your uniqueness. Don’t be afraid to keep your personal style and mix your hobbies with your work. Thousands of techies from all around the world trespass the city. San Franciscans will remember you for what makes you different. They notice what you do outside of building tech, not what makes you blend in. People like it here when you push them out of their mental box, especially when it comes in unexpected ways. E.g., I connected with a ton of Indians only because I met the Dalai Lama. I startled them by telling them how to do it (a wet dream of every Indian). And I connected with a ton of Chinese just because I visited the Golden Palace atop the holy Wudang Mountain. That is a wet dream of every Chinese. I literally sold these people their own culture back to them, and they happily welcomed me into their network.
Why Should You Stay Different?
If you are different, stay that way. San Francisco is a mixture of cultures and a marketplace where thousands of people pass by every day in every direction. There are lots of beautiful people looking like Instagram in real life.
Should You Change What Makes You Different?
If you have any traits that are atypical for Instagram — whether it’s your hair color, your face bone structure, the composition of your teeth, your body shape, your heritage — don’t change that! Just embrace that, take care of yourself the way you age, and you will stand out. People don’t want another face looking like a generic avatar; they want authenticity.

Disclaimer.

One disclaimer I’d like to make here is as follows. Say you are coming to the Bay Area to live your dream and build the Next Big Thing. You should know that it’s waaay harder than you might think.

We used to hear about success stories in the media; in fact, most people who got successful with their startups had failed multiple times before, and/or found themselves at the right time in the right place. Building a seemingly cool solution to a seemingly big problem — just because you can technically build it — is way less than enough to succeed.

Firstly, there are various types of innovation.e. a new application of the existing technology — but not a mix of the two, as otherwise, you will likely fail.

Secondly, you need to surround yourself with people of high skill and low ego.

Plus, most successful, profitable startups today are not as cool as one might think. I would call them “boring” companies. These are typically businesses offering some form of logistic solutions — either digital or analogue — to other businesses.

…While so many young founders I met in the city try to be cool! When you enter a random meetup for founders in San Francisco, you can be sure that 20% of the attendees are trying to create some new version of Tinder. You see, they happen to be looking for a girlfriend.

And they came up with a “genius” idea to kill two birds with one stone.

Luckily, most of these young people are learning in the process, and although their projects will likely fail, they will at least acquire priceless skills and street knowledge in the process.

Is Bay Area Money Easy to Reach?

You might say, “Hey, there is so much money floating around the Bay Area!” NVIDIA’s mid-level managers make $1 million a year, Meta’s top engineers make $2-3 million a year. VC firms invest hundreds of billions every year.

Yes, it’s true… but it doesn’t mean that as a newcomer, you will have easy access to this money. The money in the Bay is highly centralized and flies around in closed loops between VCs, a small selection of startups, and big tech. It’s really hard to break through this barrier and get under the tap before the living costs in San Francisco eat all your savings.

I’ve seen dozens of my friends leaving the city disappointed, as long months of networking at local events didn’t move the needle for them. The bottom line is: when you plan a trip to San Francisco, come with a plan. What do you want to achieve?

Whom do you need to reach in order to get there? Are you sure you are on the right track with your startup?

Conclusions.

So, did I succeed in my networking endeavors? In the end, I made a few good moves. I organized a charity career development workshop at Noisebridge, one of the iconic hacker spaces in San Francisco, and spoke about job market for women in tech in times of AI at the Google Developer Groups #DareToBe Event.

Then, I co-organized the first edition of the AGI Buzz Conference and an expert panel dedicated to the impact of AI on the job market at the legendary hacker space, Hacker Dojo. I built hundreds of strategic contacts around the city, found myself mentors and friends.

Of course, I could have done better, but I’ve also seen worse. But hey, networking is all about learning on the fly. And I’m sure my next trip to San Francisco will be much more fruitful.

You might be now asking yourself: why is this insane person revealing all her networking secrets instead of keeping them as her private IP?org/wiki/Magnus_Carlsen” target=”_blank” rel=”noopener noreferrer nofollow”>Magnus Carlsen is… but can we all become Magnus Carlsen? The rules of the game of chess are public and yet, no one can match Magnus’ strength of play.

What is most important to me, I keep my personal networking style without making compromises. I am slow but steady and systematic. It’s a long-term game after all — and I’m planning to live really long!

And lastly, is it worth visiting San Francisco in times when it resembles Gotham City more than a regular town? Well, I believe that we live in times of a technological AI revolution, and since San Francisco is the cradle of AI, I expect the city to profit from the associated outburst of productivity.

Why Am I Still Optimistic About the City?

That’s why I feel optimistic about the city. I believe that one day, America will recall that its wealth stems from here and finally deals with homelessness, crime, drugs, and social inequalities. But only time will tell.

Please also take a look at some of my previous articles on effective networking strategies:

Please cite as:
Bielczyk, N.
(2023, November 19th). If You Are Going To San Francisco… My 25 Tips and Tricks on Networking in the City. Retrieved from: https://nataliabielczyk.com/my-tips-and-tricks-on-networking-in-san-francisco/

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On life, business, careers, and life after academia.