July 27th, 2024 | Natalia's Dream Boy.

Blog, Memories & Thoughts, Productivity & Motivation, Self-Reflection

This text was fully written by a human.

This is not your typical morning news.

My name is Natalia and let me tell you a little story.

It was Monday, February 11th 2013 — a dim winter day in the Netherlands. To my horror, my beloved fiancee moved out, at the point when we were just about to send out invitations to our wedding. And he never spoke to me again.

I went through all phases of grief, from denial to final acceptance. Instead of going to Tanzania for a honeymoon as planned, I hiked Kilimanjaro on my own.

Then, I made a list of things I could have done better in this relationship. It was 8 pages of bullet points.

And then, I got down to improving things, day by day — all from working on my mindset, through learning new, useful skills, to improving my general life situation. Overall, it took me ten years of hard work to get to the point where I am now. At some point, I felt ready to go again.

Since I have become an entrepreneur in the meantime, I took an entrepreneurial approach. I asked myself: “Where and how am I the most likely to find what I want?” The truth is: if you want to achieve better results than most people (and most people fall into dysfunctional relationships…), you need to think and act differently.

Hence, the text below :) Have a good read and thank you in advance for your help!

First of all, do I believe there is “The One” waiting for me out there? No. Rather, a class of people who are mentally close enough.

You have to be able to make decisions and focus on one person. I can concentrate.

My (Ideal) Picture of a Soulmate.

1. Personality.

➢ Good at heart and fair with people. He enjoys building his own life with passion but not at the cost of others.

➢ Hard-working. He doesn’t need to look for reasons or motivational strategies to start working in the morning as he just enjoys what he does.

He can work hard for a long time and wait for the delayed gratification. He works harder than the typical 9-5.

Why do I expect hard work? I myself work hard (and play hard!).

Hard work makes me feel high more than anything. I believe after 12-hour session by my desk I might feel the same high as some people feel after a heavy workout in a gym or completing a half-marathon.

And I just can’t imagine drinking someone who spends his evenings sipping beer in a bar. I mean, I can imagine it very well because I used to be with someone like this.

And it wasn’t any good for any of us. Not mentioning that such people tend to eventually leave the hard working person behind anyways.

By the way, from my experience, in the European culture hard-working people are often stigmatized and discriminated by the opposite gender. For this reason, they are often afraid to admit how hardworking they are. They describe themselves as “spontaneous” and “enjoying life” instead, and pretend to be taking free weekends just like everyone else.

I would actually be happy to hear from a guy that they are hard-working and proud of it. I would also be happier knowing that someone whom I am with, is proud of me instead of treating my affinity to work as my weakness and mercifully tolerating it. Just as some guys I have met before did.

Integrity, Open-Mindedness, and Passion.

➢ Trustworthy and decent. He might be adventurous in professional life, but in private life, he doesn’t play games and doesn’t seek adrenaline.

He is also not manipulative. He speaks his mind if he likes a girl instead of making her wonder and suffer.

He has some personal standards and rules. He is focused on building things long-term, and starts every relationship with that mindset.

➢ Open-minded. After 25 years spent in Poland, 14 years in the Netherlands. And frequent visits to the US over the past 15 years (with a combined time of more than 2 years spent in America), I personally feel I’m multicultural at this stage.

With my political views, I was left-winged in Poland and right-winged in the Netherlands (just because the political scene differs so much between these two countries). In my teenage years and in my twenties, I went through multiple phases concerning my religious beliefs.

Therefore, I can find a common tongue with a variety of people and try to understand the ways they think and the reasons for our differences. I’d like to find someone who is also open and accepting to people representing various cultures, religions, and ways of life.

➢ Passionate. I know this sounds cheesy to say “passionate” but I learned this the hard way: a passionate person will never find a common tongue with a person without passion. And the more I tried to compromise on this, the more miserably I failed (and yes, the passionate one is the one to get dumped).

My partner could be passionate about something way different from what I’m passionate about. The topic does not really matter. What matters is the drive to do stuff and the ability to get joy from something more than just satisfying the lowest human instincts.

Ambition, Self-Development, and Objectivity.

➢ Wholesome and develops himself in a harmonious way. You know, it’s not all that difficult to become good at one thing at the cost of everything else in your life.

I know successful startup founders who made exits for hundreds of millions but ruined their bodies in the process and are now wrecks who cannot enjoy their fortunes.

I know genius scientists who spent their whole youth behind closed doors and as a result, they became eggheads with no friends. And are emotionally retarded and detached from reality.

I also know people who became world-class experts in one discipline… but they never traveled. And don’t have any common knowledge about history, politics, economy, modern medicine, art, or even pop culture. They are the most boring people to talk to.

When I look at all those people rushing to “reach their dream” while ditching everything else in their lives, I always wonder: where are these people in a rush toward? The grave?

I personally prefer slow but harmonious growth: taking care of multiple areas of self-development at a time, from professional development, through health, to networking and friendships. So far so good.

Yes, I’m probably not going to be world-famous. But at least, I’m a winner in my own eyes and I have no regrets.

➢ Objective. He sees and says things as they are (ok, with some basic dose of diplomacy). He has his own judgement of the world and other people.

He is not brainwashed by media and public opinion. He is not into empty activism either.

Warmth, Support, and Positivity.

➢ Warm. Not competitive when it comes to close relations. Able to openly express joy from being with someone else.

Appreciative of the woman he is with. This doesn’t need to mean “very romantic.” Although it does not hurt if it does

➢ Supportive. I work on myself every day, but I still have weaknesses that I need to overcome.

For instance, while I am good at keeping a healthy diet, I need some motivation to exercise and avoid self-destruction such as addictive substances. It would be great to have a partner who is helpful and encourages me to work on myself, instead of reinforcing my weaknesses and pulling me down.

Having that said, I am a type of a natural supporter too. I work as a career and business advisor, and I take the supportive attitude toward family and friends.

➢ Positive. Not complaining and not dwelling on little inconveniences. Not comparing himself to others.

Not jealous of other people’s success. This might sound obvious but I recently realized that many people slowly become bitter and jealous of others with age. Even if privileged and successful.

Inner Peace.

➢ Peaceful. Let’s be real: today, peace of mind is THE currency.

We all have plenty of resources and ton of free time compared to our parents. And yet, we struggle with constant FOMO and dopamine overflow that make us restless and anxious.

So, he doesn’t need bungee jumping, a trip to Bali, a dinner in a fancy restaurant, or other Instagrammable things to feel happy. He likes a simple life: a movie, a stroll in the park, an excursion to a club or spa, or an evening with friends. He values good conversation higher than fireworks.

I always juggle multiple projects and work with multiple people in professional life. I tend to take risks every day. So, when at home, I search for relax, mental support, trust, and understanding.

Home is supposed to be a safe haven and a temple for deliberation, resting, and dreaming rather than another challenge. And I would like to spend time with someone who has similar needs.

Has some wisdom and peace of mind. He can learn from mistakes and has acquired a ton of street knowledge. You can learn some golden nuggets from him that you cannot learn from any book in the world.

Self-Sufficiency.

➢ Self-sufficient. Someone who would rather be alone than hanging around with a person below his standards. He has a vision for his future self and for what to do with his life.

A soft plan of sorts, for another 5, 10, 15 years. He would get there alone—but obviously, it is more pleasant and fulfilling to do it with someone else!

Ironically, people who function well as singletons, typically make best partners. They don’t fall into relationships trying to combat the sense of internal void but just because life becomes even better when you grow in a team.

This is where I’d like to make the point that most men jump right from one relationship to another as if spending time on their own was a reason to feel worse or a problem to fix ASAP. This is also a reason why it is so hard to find good men. They are almost never on the market.

Namely, most men have no balls to be alone. So before they even end the previous relationship, they already look for a lead for the next one (my ex-fiancee did so by the way).

I’m allergic to this, but that’s the reality. So, remember that: consciously being alone is cool.

A Growth Mindset.

➢ Someone who learns from mistakes and doesn’t try to heal pain from a breakup by jumping into a new relationship right away. Someone who didn’t have too many relationships to date.

I find it funny that, according to a study published in Evolutionary Psychological Science, women’s desirability ratings for a man rise when they learn about his past long-term relationships — a well-documented pattern researchers call mate-choice copying. I think the opposite; if someone had many partners before, it means they failed multiple times and probably didn’t learn at all.

It is understandable if the first relationship doesn’t work out, or second, or even third. But if someone had 15 girlfriends to date, I’m just not interested in taking the risk of becoming the next failed project.

I worked hard on myself for over 10 years to improve on all the aspects I failed or wasn’t good enough in my first relationship. I would like to meet someone who is similarly thoughtful and willing to take efforts to actually build something.

Also, it is important to me that my boy doesn’t say anything negative about his ex-es and doesn’t blame them for his failed relationships. Trash talking exes is always a massive red flag… probably the worst among all red flags.

Emotional Intelligence.

➢ Good with emotions: comprehending and expressing emotions when necessary. He has empathy for other people. If he feels hurt, he can vocalise that.

He is mindful of his own emotions and can recognize where they come from. It does not mean that every conversation needs to concern emotions.

I mean that when it comes to such conversations, he does not run from them. He must understand his own needs and emotions really well—many people don’t and this is usually catastrophic for relationships.

He finds a way to vent without putting his frustration onto other people. Yes, we are all animals with certain level of aggression under our skin. But it’s important to be aware of it and unload emotions when necessary.

I personally prefer watching bloody horror movies of class Z and it relaxes me greatly. But any strategy is equally good.

Also, he can read faces and recognizes if he said or did something harmful to someone else.

Caring and Comfortable Alone.

➢ Caring. I don’t think definitions are necessary here :) Just a caring giver.

➢ Comfortable with being alone and is not ashamed of it — he doesn’t look for a soft landing before leaving their partner. In my experience, guys have hard time admitting they are on their own. They perceive being single as a stigma to avoid at any cost.

So let me tell you: being a functional single guy is good. Much more attractive than hustling around for the next girlfriend material before even taking the final decision to split with the previous one.

I often bump into guys who “forget” to tell me they have girl friends and steal my precious time inviting me to meetings that look, sound, and feel like a date. Clearly with a plan to test if they have a chance with me (…and other women probably as well) before saying goodbye to their current partner. To me, it is a sign of cowardliness, deceitfulness, and lack of morals — and it turns me off every time.

Low Ego.

➢ Low ego. According to Amy Morin, the author of the book “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do,” there are 7 main symptoms that indicate people with high ego:

They refuse asking for help.
They refuse being vulnerable.
They think they cannot fail / are not allowed to fail no matter what.
They are ashamed of mistakes and do everything to hide them.
They don’t want to give up at any cost.
They care about what others think of them and would do anything to be admired — even if it means going against their values.
They claim that nothing can touch them and they are never sad, anxious, or hurt.

So, not that :)

Sense of Humor and a Positive Attitude.

➢ Sense of humor and a positive attitude to life. An optimist. Laughs with people, not at people.

We experience lots of stress in professional lives, and there is always yet another reason to worry. That’s why it’s great to be around someone with distance to himself and to life. And who doesn’t take himself too seriously.

And actually, when I think about it, all the guys I was hanging out to date were helpless nerdy goofs (or rather, goofy nerds! Depends on how you look at it) and shameless pranksters. So I think it’s quite an important thing to me after all.

Let me say a few more things about humor and why it is so crucial. For me, humor is what I could call an “effective intelligence:” using your mind to make people around you feel good. What is a better application of being smart?

I know so many people who technically have high IQ but never made an effort to use it for the benefit of their friends and family. Intelligent person who lacks humor in like a person with a great body who lies like a log at bed. It’s a nonsensical waste of resources.

Humor is interaction. Humor is good energy. Humor is startle.

Humor is effort. Humor is being alive. Life becomes so sweet when there is laughter in it!

I feel like I didn’t really have anyone to fall in love with for all these years because all men were like NPCs: dry, stiff intellectuals who bored me to death either by preaching about their life success and what they have and what they achieved. Or by lecturing me on all kinds of sciency subjects (which GPT or Wikipedia could do better).

Social Ease and Honesty.

➢ Good with people. This doesn’t necessarily mean having 10,000 friends but at least, not being afraid of meeting new people and being interested in who they are and what they value. Just curious about people in general.

➢ Open about their relationship status. Research shows that most men find being single a reason to feel ashamed, that’s why they never mention it in a conversation, even if they are interested in getting to know you better.

At the same time, I observe that many men in relationships also don’t reveal their relationship status even if they are not interested in getting to know you better. Just because they enjoy observing that a single woman likes them, as it feeds their ego.

Both these behaviors waste women’s precious time. Transparency is a great quality (of course, I don’t mean formal business circumstances but rather, friendly, casual meetings where people bond with each other).

Balance, Boundaries, and Drive.

➢ An ambivert. He feels good both among other people and on his own.

He doesn’t require constant attention. You can leave him alone in a room for a week and he won’t do anything crazy.

➢ Someone who can say “no” when necessary. I would rather hear “sorry, I won’t do it” once in a while rather than be with someone meek and agreeable only to see him suddenly disappear one day. As it happened to me in the past.

➢ Easy going. Not paying attention to unimportant details.

Some people need everything done their own way and pay attention to way too many things related to how you look, speak, sit, behave, or how your place looks, etc. I need someone who accepts me as I am and lets me live my way without critically looking at me and assessing me in every moment.

➢ No ego games. Someone who does not have the desire to outpower or outsmart other people. He doesn’t compare himself with others, just works on his own progress and goals.

➢ Builder not consumer. Not materialistic and not chasing after the newest gadgets to forever increase his level of comfort.

Money is means to achieve safety and freedom for him, rather than an asset necessary to live a lavish lifestyle. He focuses on building and creating stuff rather than consuming stuff and pleasing himself.

Again, builder not consumer. With a growth mindset when it comes to relationships. Looking to tinker around relationships and fix them rather than exchange them for new ones as soon as problems emerge.

Priorities and Ambition.

➢ Knows what’s important in life. First things first: money, contacts, or following are just ways to feel safer. And get more free time and means to do what you want and not goals per se.

➢ Enjoys the accompany of so-called strong women. Gives them space to develop.

Supportive rather than competitive attitude towards them. My experience is that many guys seem appreciative of strong women at first. But they soon start competing, digging holes under their feet, and gaslighting them.

So, I need someone who is a real feminist at heart instead of just pretending to be one. And, support is more than just sheer tolerance.

I enjoy people who admire ambition in others regardless of their gender and other personal traits, not just tolerate it. I’m the same by the way.

➢ He has friendly, deep relations with his own family, or at least with some of his family members. He takes time to maintain these relationships. Nothing is more attractive than someone who cares about his relatives.

➢ Not afraid to take calculated risks—for instance, to ask a woman out if there is a spark. It’s incredible how men are intimidated these days… Hundred years ago, men used to risk their lives and enlist in the army to raise funds for their weddings, while today, they are often too cowardly to ask a woman out to a coffee. It is just a shame, and I don’t find such shyness attractive.

Monogamy.

➢ Monogamous by nature—as opposed to some people out there who are polyamorous. Or to whom a monogamic relation is a compromise.

This is an important point. Many people decide to be monogamous. But this decision is instrumental: they treat monogamy as the price to pay in order to reach their goals, e.g. build a family, keep their social status, follow family traditions, etc.

Other people, including myself, challenge themselves at a young age and conclude that monogamy does lead to the best possible life. I was not born a monk; I did have a bucket list in my twenties — summer festivals, crazy parties, taking risks. In my early twenties, I lived in Warsaw, Poland where hookup culture was definitely a thing.

After a few years I got so sick of this empty lifestyle that I get a cold sweat at a bare thought I would ever get back to shallow relations with people. Never again.

And especially now when I see how my parents goof around, laugh together. And take care of each other every day after 40 years of marriage.

Sometimes I hear my mum neigh like a horse until 2am in the night. In those moments, I can clearly see the pricelessness of a bulletproof monogamous relationship.

And especially now when I see how my parents goof around, laugh together. And take care of each other every day after 40 years of marriage, I see the pricelessness of a bulletproof monogamous relationships.

So, I’d like to meet someone who also chose monogamy all by himself. Not because of parents, media, or peer pressure made him to.

A Partnership Mindset.

➢ Tuned to partnership. Someone who is looking for a partnership in a relationship.

He neither wants to wear trousers or expects the woman to do it. Someone who treats others equally and who naturally shares responsibilities.

I often meet men who are in their thirties, achieved stability in their professional wives, bought a property, got themselves a nice car, and are now seeking a wife… but the problem is, they treat a woman like nothing more than a missing asset in their portfolio. They are not looking for an actual partner to go through life with. But rather, for an object of the category “wife” that they can show up with at house parties and shake out a few kids from.

In general, there is a deep crisis of family in the Western world. The illusion of availability prompts people to think that their partner is fungible and breaking relationships is a faster and better solution than fixing them. People throw each other from their lives like glows.

But that’s not action; that’s just reaction. It’s an inability to build anything.

I never left anyone from my side. And I am deeply worried to put my time and effort into anyone who doesn’t represent the same beliefs.

Lastly, I come from a family where women actively develop themselves and go after their dreams. They get educated, develop careers, and often become bread winners too.

I cannot imagine myself being just a supporter to someone else who has the “main character syndrome” and playing an extra in his career story, without my own career goals and aspirations. I was raised in a family full of strong and independent women, I am hard-wired this way. And I will not change this mindset.

Respect for Individuality.

➢Respectful. And that usually manifests not in ways of treating those who are on equal terms or higher in social hierarchy, but those who are lower. I cannot remember how many times I’ve seen this exact situation: a guy hands in a bill to a waiter without even looking at their face. A complete turnoff.

➢ He doesn’t expect others to be copies of himself. I live in the Netherlands where people often don’t objectively assess someone else’s value but rather, focus on how much the other person is similar to them, including hobbies, ways of spending free time, taste for music or films, and all the other unimportant factors.

I have some habits that might seem weird (like the affinity to watching horror movies of class Z, going to EDM concerts and dancing like a mad person. Or coming up with new business ideas in a 90℃ Finnish sauna) and I don’t expect anyone to share them with me.

If someone does, great, if not, also fine! I would also appreciate if the other party doesn’t press on me to adopt all their habits.

Trust and Privacy.

➢ Trusting. I decide to officially be with someone only when he becomes a special person to me. And it is always an exclusive deal.

Nothing sucks my life energy more than obsessively checking up on me, secretly breaking into my email or phone. And other notorious signs of distrust.

For me, a partnership / marriage is supposed to be a union with your best friend and ally in which both sides of the union still have their own lives. I work with many people, travel often, and dedicate lots of quality time to friends. So being around a control freak who cannot trust me would be a nightmare.

Needless to say, I trust my partners too. No invigilation and no breaking privacy. I never even touched my partner’s phone or laptop.

I never looked into their bank account or medical records. The only thing I have to check before dating someone is googling their name.

As a CEO of my own company, I need to make sure I’m not getting into something with a person who enjoys making controversial statements in public. That’s all.

➢ Respect for privacy. Despite working online and using social media to get leads and keep in touch with business contacts, I am not obsessed about my online presence and I put boundaries on what I reveal about myself and my private life.

I wouldn’t like to wake up one day and find photos of myself sleeping drunk at a party on Facebook or so. I need to feel safe around the other person and know that they won’t harm me this way.

Family and Vision.

➢ He would like to have kids one day but knows how much of a lottery that is, thus he is not obsessed about it. I wouldn’t leave a man if we found out that he is dry. So it would be nice to know that he has the same mindset.

But in general, my default plan is that I DO want to make a serious attempt to start a full family. So, if the other party excludes such a possibility, we wouldn’t fit from the get-go.

➢ Vision. Someone who has a vision of his own life. I am not trying to find someone whose vision is identical as mine, as that would be almost impossible.

But I would enjoy to meet someone who has SOME vision that he is building towards. So that we can discuss how we can blend or synchronize our visions.

Coming from Europe, I must say that most single men of my age not only are financially and emotionally unstable. But don’t even have any plans or dreams.

They have no vision of how their ideal professional and private life would be like. That puts me off in a man the most.

Conviction.

➢ Conviction. Today’s plague is guys who cannot make any decisions.

I don’t even mean the big decisions such as the decision to spend your whole life with someone, but rather, small decisions. Such as the decision to temporarily focus your energy on creating a relation with one woman instead of trying with every woman that is available.

If I don’t have any clear signs that I am someone’s top choice at the moment. Or that he notices and appreciates my value, I simply pull back. I have a sense of self-value; if someone doesn’t notice it, why would I care?

Once in the past, I was with someone who had a strong conviction from day 1 and I still vividly remember how amazing that felt. He didn’t play any games with me; he just told me that feels great talking to me. And then, he took initiative to make talking to me a daily routine and never let me go.

I felt safe around him — and I felt like home right from the get-go. So, I don’t want to lower my standards now and go with someone who manipulates me, makes me worry and wonder what his intentions are, et cetera.

Comfort and Self-Care.

➢ Just feels like home to be around him. I don’t know how to explain this but some people have this property that you naturally feel good and comfortable around them.

➢ Takes proper care of himself. I don’t mean everyday bodybuilding workout or fancy clothes but rather, basic, rational behaviors that lead to maintaining physical and mental health in the long term. I’m shocked with how many men aged 30+ managed to ruin their bodies: became overweight, got addicted to drugs and liquors.

And are physically unfit, not able to make a 2-mile hike without losing breath. And you only have one vehicle to run on for the whole life!

I’d also like to add that I used to be more liberal when it comes to partner’s health. I liked to think that everyone owns their body and I don’t have the right to tell anybody else how to treat themselves.

This attitude changed recently when my Dad got sick. He used to eat unhealthy, be overweight and overly careless ever since I know him, while my Mum cared about her diet, moved and worked around the house a lot. And she maintained a slim figure at all times.

Now my Mum — who did everything right. Is a prisoner of my Dad who travels from one hospital to another.

She spends 10-12 hours a day next to his bed for months and months. When I think about prospects for my retirement, I just don’t want to share my Mum’s fate.

To sum up, I ask for nothing more than respect toward someone’s own body: the machine that has to carry them through life. Personally I’m interested in longevity and Taoist principles of healthy, balanced life. But I’m not a maniac and I stick to rational, simple routine.

Social and Relational Preferences.

➣ Prefers to meet people IRL. I personally have no interest in online dating, mostly because it is so extremely easy to make connections in real life.

If only you have minimal interest in other people. Every chit chat on a bus stop or in a queue, every small talk at a meetup, every exchange of opinions can lead to a date.

And they often do. Hundred years ago men used to go to war and risk their lives to earn enough to develop a family. And now it’s too scary to ask a newly encountered woman for a coffee?

So, when I meet someone who habitually dates online, I have the feeling there must be something wrong with their emotional development, self-image, or self-confidence. Or, that they have no personality and need to support themselves with memes and bots to sound interesting.

Or, that they are players who try to score as many partners as possible. In any case, it turns me off.

Manners and Class.

➣ Can behave. I observe that certain level of attractiveness and life success often leads to arrogance and lack of respect.

The is why I always observe little details in others’ behavior, including the ways in which they treat weaker, less educated people with lower social status, such as waiters, shopping assistants, or elderly people. I think some basic rules for how to treat others are pan cultural and any mature person should know them.

OK, let’s be honest: I enjoy the accompany of real old-school gentlemen. That also involves a proper vocab.

I feel that in times of social media, being vulgar became so common that it is no longer seen as a misbehavior. Well, to me, it is misbehavior.

And in general, I believe an intelligent person can make a long-lasting impression by story building and using creative, pointed metaphors instead of going the easy way out by using “f” word in every sentence. Vulgarity sucks my life energy and is a form of violence. A red flag for sure.

I don’t understand people who choose vulgarity. Being vulgar shuts many doors and does not open any new doors to compensate for that. So even if you are too dumb to be sarcastic, it is still a better choice to say nothing than f-words.

A Family Example.

Besides, my parents are not vulgar and don’t tolerate vulgarity. I couldn’t introduce a vulgar guy to them — so why even care in the first place?

Besides, my parents both believe that f-words were made for those who are not smart enough for sarcasm… and I agree with that. Whenever I’m on a date with someone who turns out to be vulgar, I think to myself, “I wish I could see my dad turning this guy into a pancake in a conversation.” But then, I realize it’s still a waste of time.

By the way, my dad cannot stand vulgarisms. He only makes one exception, i.e., when Kaczyński shows up on screen. So, when Kaczyński appears, everyone is free to use as many vulgarisms as necessary to capture the moment.

One more thing: If someone’s vulgar next to you, just imagine how vulgar he must be while having a locker room talk with his male buddies. Would you go to bed with someone like that? Well, good night and good luck.

Lastly, many guys pretend to be gentlemen in front of women just because they want to get something from them. But when they come back to their male friends, the locker room talk starts and they go back to their usual ugly, vulgar mode.

If I ever find out that my partner is vulgar behind my back, I will quit. I mean it.

Selectivity.

➣ Is picky with people, just like me. I personally know thousands of people, but that doesn’t mean I’m friends with all of them. In fact, very few people truly know me.

And even those who think they do usually know only a small part of my life. They don’t really know what my days look like, where I am, or what I enjoy. In general, I tend to know much more about others than they know about me.

I’m very selective about who I spend my time with. Most of the time—probably around 90%—I’m on my own, working, focusing on self-development, praying, going for long walks, or meditating. The remaining 10% I spend with people I genuinely care about, and that’s a small, carefully chosen circle.

These are not necessarily the most popular or influential people. They are simply the people who feel healthiest for me to be around, who align with my values. And who truly deserve my time.

I believe that building a wide network first and then consciously choosing the few people you stay close to is the most natural path. So when I see someone surrounded by many superficial relationships, unable to be selective about who they let into their life, I start to question their maturity or how clearly they understand what they want.

I know very well what I want from life. So when someone has no real structure in their social circle and is immersed in shallow connections, I tend to feel that we may simply be at very different stages of self-development. And perhaps not the right fit for each other.

Coachability and Being a Provider.

➣ Coachable. And when I say that, I don’t mean a submissive person who prefers a woman to manage his life.

What I mean is, whenever they hear, “this behavior hurts me,” they will reflect instead of taking the cocky red-pill approach “my way or a highway.” As a matter of fact, there are only three possible situations:

(a) the partner behaves as expected right away.

(b) the partner doesn’t behave as expected but listens with understanding when you take the time to explain how that behavior makes you feel, and adjusts.

Many women are naive enough to think that if they repeat the same statement many times, they will eventually change a guy. Well, I’m not.

➣Is a provider type. Another important point is the mindset people bring into relationships (which has nothing to do with wealth!). Some people, when they get together with someone, naturally start thinking of the couple as a team.

Facing Life as a Team

They approach life as something you face together. And every challenge or opportunity becomes a shared effort on behalf of that team.

Others, however, never really see the relationship that way. They treat their partner more like an asset than a teammate.

And if someone thinks like that, it’s very difficult—if not impossible—to change their mindset. If a person is not naturally tuned toward contributing to the team, there is little you can do to force that shift.

I know that I’m a provider-type person. The moment I’m with someone, I automatically think in terms of “us,” not just “me.”

I don’t see myself as an isolated individual pursuing only my own success. Instead, I think about what’s best for the team and how we can move forward together.

Because of that, I believe it’s fair to expect the same mindset from the other person. To play the same game and truly join the relationship as a full, committed team member.

Space and Simple Joys.

➣ Gives their partner some space. I need time for myself and I need someone who respects that.

I dealt with suspicious types in the past and I hope the next time I am with someone who just lets me go do my magic without obsessing about where I am and what I do at the moment. Also, I never touch my partners’ phone or other personal equipment and it would be nice to know that my email account is safe too.

➣ In general, doesn’t leave their partners. I didn’t leave anyone so far as I’m of the opinion that 99% problems can be solved by working on it together. Unfortunately, most people today prefer to run and switch partners like gloves instead of working on communication.

This is why I look into the history of past relationships and I simply don’t trust people who left someone in the past just because they had problems in mutual communication or if their partner was in a mental dip. I was ditched when in a mental dip before and I don’t want to experience this pain again.

Of course, I can imagine some special circumstances in which saying “stop” in a relationship might be justified. This is why I say “in general.”

Anyway, my observation is also that people who are attractive and self-confident rarely ditch their partners. They just make an informed decision, choose the best option, and stick to it.

It’s typically littlemen with complexes who need to boost their egos at someone else’s cost by “taking the decision to end the relationship.” It’s a pathetic move attempting to make yourself feel better as lazy as cutting you hair.

➣ Can find joy in little things. That’s where true happiness comes from.

➣ Sweet. Teddybears over cowboys.

2. Mind.

➢ Intelligent. More than one type of intelligence, or rather, something known as a G-factor: an ability to find himself in various situations.

And solve various types of problems. To make it clear: intelligence has nothing to do with education level.

I met PhDs who are morons and people who never went to study at a university who are extremely intelligent. So, I don’t judge people’s intellect by their academic titles.

➢ Lifelong learner. I have a restless mind and I try to learn something new in any situation. I will always chase after new business ideas, and keep on developing my interest in people, culture, society, innovation.

My parents are approaching 70 and still carry on with their interests. So I can confidently say that I won’t stop any time soon.

I’d love to meet someone who is exactly the same and whose mind is set to lifelong learning too. In the past I was avoided, neglected, or even left because of my curious nature and the affinity to learn.

I would like to be appreciated and valued for who I am instead of getting punished or mercifully tolerated. And of course, I would like to learn from my partner and become a better person too.

Learning From Mistakes.

➢Having said that: learns on mistakes. I think it’s normal to try, learn, change direction, and sometimes fail—because relationships, like careers, studies, or any other project, have their learning curve. What matters is whether someone learns from their mistakes and whether each new relationship becomes more thoughtful and healthier than the previous one.

That has always been my intention. I’ve had a few relationships in the past, but I took the time to analyze them thoroughly. I believe I was able to identify my mistakes and work on improving them.

One of the biggest mistakes was that I didn’t stay true to myself. Especially in my first relationship, I gradually stopped caring about my own needs. I bought into a very traditional mindset—quite common in Poland.

That a woman should primarily take care of the man, create a comfortable home for him. And focus on his well-being every day.

In the process, I forgot about myself. And the more I lost my center and focused entirely on my partner, the less attractive I became to him.

Finding My Way Back to Myself

Now I understand that this dynamic simply doesn’t work. My role is to follow my own path, stay grounded in myself. And not let anyone pull me into their gravitational field.

I need to have my own gravity. Strong enough that the person next to me is drawn toward it, not the other way around. Otherwise, the relationship loses its balance.

This has nothing to do with ego or selfishness. It’s simply the only way this kind of dynamic can work, and I’ve learned that from experience. Sometimes, choices that look selfish on the surface are actually the wiser ones.

When you understand the mechanics of relationships, you realize that certain decisions. Although they might seem counterintuitive or even like sabotage from the outside. Actually increase the chances of the relationship succeeding in the long run.

I just hope that whatever mistakes he makes, he also takes the time to reflect on them and becomes better at the game.

Depth and Purpose.

➢ Good to talk to. For some reason, some people are just good to talk to — every conversation with them is like having a delicious meal.

They are good analysts of reality, have something interesting say on any topic. And always come up with unorthodox ways of looking at things.

It has nothing to do with academic education but rather, with general interest in the world. At some point, I developed a “Lex Fridman” test.

If a conversation with someone is less interesting to follow than watching an average Lex Fridman podcast episode, I move on. Needless to say, I often move on =]

➢ He has his own plans. He has his own vision of what he wants do next. Either a company or some other type of mission or project.

I have my own company, in which I work on career advisory and create new tools to help people steer themselves in the job market. But I also have a broad general education and broad interests, including business development in general.

So, I would be happy to hear about almost any project. I would actually enjoy if it’s something different from what I do!

Worldliness and Ambition.

➢ He doesn’t live in a bubble. When I was finishing my PhD in 2017, I discovered that something called blockchains exists.

I had no idea about it because I lived in the academic bubble where people were more interested in following politicians arguing on the media, watching sports events. And sipping beer in a bar together rumoring about their bosses than in technological progress and the actual economy.

Then, I met a lot of people in the blockchain community and learned that many of them live in their own bubble. And are often detached from reality building nonsensical projects and going after cheap cash grabs.

Then, I met a lot of startup founders in the Bay Area and learned that they all worship the top tech founders and jump on the entrepreneurial career path without second thought dreaming of developing a unicorn company, despite the vast majority of them doesn’t have what it takes to succeed.

To sum up, in general, I believe that living in one mental bubble is unhealthy and leads to developing a narrow mind.

➢ Entrepreneurial. Not necessarily an entrepreneur by profession (although that would be ideal!) but someone curious and restless who knows what a real hustle is. And is not afraid to hustle, make decisions, and put himself out of his comfort zone.

➢ Preferably, educated at least at Master’s level (or in the process). I tried to build a relationship with lower educated people before.

Unfortunately, there were always hidden complexes on the guy’s side eventually coming to the surface and ruining the relationship. I don’t want to risk that again.

Maturity and Vision.

➢ Mature. Has a realistic view of the world.

He knows that there is no free lunch. And that one needs to put a lot of effort into achieving a good lifestyle (including a good quality relationship).

➢ Young mind. Affinity to learn something new all the time. Creative mind.

He cannot even imagine an office job that is all about doing the same thing over and over again. He likes to think out of the box.

He believes that one should learn for a lifetime. He is not convenient.

He can step out of his way sometimes, and take compromises to sync his schedule with someone else’s. He can adjust a little to someone else’s needs instead of adding them to the list of passive assets. Like parking a car in a garage where its place is.

➢ Thinking ahead. Enjoying the day but also sometimes thinking about the plan for the next 5, 10, 15 years. Has some vision of how his life would look then.

A Vision Without Rigidity

Of course, the vision can change in the process, but at least he is trying to create some long-term goals. I think I’m repeating myself here but this is really important to me.

➢ Hands-on deep into his projects. He is an expert in something or aims to become one.

He is not one of these opportunistic talking heads who look for other people to put their projects to life. But really tries to understand some topic in depth and gets his hands dirty working on the project by himself.

➢ He likes to have a sparing partner in a relationship. Professional and private life are not two separate or competitive areas for him — they should support each other. He lives and breathes with what he does so he enjoys company of people whom he can talk about his stuff with.

Independent Thinking.

➢ He puts a strong focus on the quality of the conversation in the relationship. Some couples spend years with each other by watching movies together, going out together, shopping together, … and they never really talk. Usually, they only realize that after having one massive argument and learning that they don’t really know each other after all these years.

I couldn’t live like this. I just couldn’t.

At the end of the day, nothing can really beat a good conversation for me. And with a good conversation is like with the umami taste — you feel it on your stomach but how can you actually give a recipe for it?

It’s just hard to describe what the components should be… and so I can’t really explain. Some people just are naturally interesting to talk to while others are not, even though technically they are intelligent. So, I would enjoy accompanying someone who values a good conversation as much as I do.

Free From the Algorithm

➢ Not brainwashed by social media and media in general. He knows the difference between the Internet and real life and prefers building connections in real life. Preferably, someone who does not use dating apps at all.

➢ Non-conformity while solving problems. I still vividly remember the “crate of beers scene” when I first met my ex-fiancee. We were at a student camp and he intended to join my table for breakfast but there was no chair left for him.

He didn’t complain or ask for help. He just looked around, took a crate of beers standing in the corner, sat on it, and started chatting with me. That’s what I mean — nothing big, just smart small fixes to everyday problems.

➢ Not an activist. Not a fanatic follower of any particular political idea, religious movement, or philosophy.

I highly enjoy people who attempt to solve some serious societal problems. But there is a difference between building solutions and ranting that things are going bad.

Simplicity and Calm.

➢ Doesn’t make life more complicated than it is. I have no idea why people hamster thousands of personal items, come up with complicated diets and training plans, are overly pedantic, or plan every single minute of their day for many weeks ahead.

My life is very simple. I have a simple diet, I keep only my two laptops and a bunch of clothes (made of fabric that doesn’t require ironing), I don’t spend more than a minute in front of the mirror per day.

And I have a flexible daily routine which gives me room for improvisation and creativity. I think saying that I’m a minimalist would be too much to say. But I genuinely feel better in simplistic environments with no clutter; a “feng shui” sort of style.

➢ Can chill for real. I have a busy professional life and I don’t look for fireworks in private life.

I don’t need to go out all that often. And I don’t want any drama, competition, rushing, showing off, and any other form of tension at home.

For me, home is to chill and feel good, not to be perfect nor be cool. A weekend spent on a couch in pajamas and flip flops watching something awkward on TV together and laughing at it together sounds like a perfect weekend plan for me.

Self-Awareness and Honesty.

➢ Can use his analytic mind to analyse himself and his own mistakes. Funny enough, the most effective shit test that eliminates at least 95% of men is a simple question: “What went wrong in your past relationships?” Vast majority start raving about their exes thinking that they will impress a woman by talking about their high standards.

While I would be most happy to hear “Well, I screwed up. I could have done so many things better…”

Nothing is hotter than self-reflection and the desire to improve oneself. After my broken engagement in 2013, I wrote down a list of bullet points for me to improve.

It was 8 pages long, and it took me another 10 years to complete. I would be the happiest to meet someone who is similarly restless in self-development.

Aware of His Own Weak Points

➢ Referring to the previous point, someone who is aware of their weak points. The point is not to be free from flaws and weaknesses. Everyone has those.

But we all have homework in our twenties: we need to challenge ourselves and find our limitations. And then learn how to live with them, mitigate or compensate for them, or just ignore them.

➢ Honest and open about their intentions. I often experience sneaky acts like LinkedIn conversations pretending to be business inquiries, only to turn into something else after a few minutes of conversation. Or guys pretending to be friends only to screw themselves into my life and hoping to also screw themselves into my bed at some point.

Just say what you intend. I trust my judgment of people so it might actually work.

➢ Can be truly present, even if it’s for a small part of the day. My father was always absent and disengaged mentally, and the whole family suffered from that. So I know I need someone who can fully focus on a conversation.

Conviction and Belief.

➢ Theory Z person. I consider myself a theory Z person and naturally vibe with other theory Z people (well, quite frankly, Y people just don’t understand me and find me weird) so I believe only a relationship with another Z person would work in the long run.

➢ Believes in something. I don’t necessarily mean a religious doctrine but rather, a personal code of conduct and rules to live by.

Not everyone needs to fear God or gods to establish and follow the rules; some people just need a belief in karma, or just a sheer belief that it just pays off long-term to be decent. People with rules are the safest and most reliable people to be around.

3. Looks and Other Parameters.

➢ Someone without complexes — someone who truly likes himself. My observation is that complexed guys make the worst partners and most inclined to flirt around or cheat, simply because they need to feed their ego all the time.

I don’t need the most attractive guy in the world but it would be good to be around someone who perceives himself as attractive. I like my own butt, and it would be good to be around someone who likes his too. :)

And yes, everyone has imperfections. It’s our homework to learn to accept ourselves.

I worked on my complexes as a teen until, at some point, they disappeared. It’s perfectly doable for everyone.

➢ I enjoy naturalness in men. Full of tattoos, overly stylized, and grooming way too much — this just repulses me. Health — yes.

Image — no. Until 23, I was also investing in my image.

When I made myself a tattoo on my 23rd birthday. And I thought to myself: „What the hell am I doing? When is this process about to stop?

Is this a REAL progress. Or desperation to change something as I’m too weak to change the content of my head?”

Since then, I removed the tattoo, and I never let a needle touch me again. And thank gods for all these years spent in the Netherlands that made me finally believe that being yourself is not just enough but it’s special and should be cherished.

Openness and Personal Freedom.

➢Having said that, I don’t expect anyone to be good at EVERYTHING. Some people are good at cooking and bad at dancing. Good at tinkering and bad at logistics.

Good at working and bad at resting. Or vice versa.

Everyone has weaknesses, and that’s fine — as long as it doesn’t get toxic to the other party. Once upon a time, I had a partner who was so afraid of dancing he used to blow up at me in front of people and blame me for his mistakes every time we were on the dance floor. And yet, he still insisted we go dancing instead of just sitting down and enjoying the party as I suggested.

Do you feel insecure doing something? Don’t do it; it’s all right.

➢ Someone discrete who can zip his lip. It’s really stressful and disturbing when you meet someone who tells all their friends about you after one dinner together.

Kiss don’t tell. There is time for telling others about the new person in your life, and that’s when it becomes official.

➢ Someone who is physically and mentally free at the moment. Many people live in the past and constantly compare with their previous partners. Well, not that.

Age Preferences.

➢ Age: I was modifying this category a few times. And in the end, I resigned to put any brackets here.

People just age so differently… I would like to know that someone I’m with is not a child anymore. And metrical age has little to do with it.

I feel that there are two groups of men. Some guys mature very early and when they hit 20, they already know who they are and what they want from life. And some other guys never maturate—if a guy is a child at 30, they will probably always stay this way.

Some women believe that, “they will change the guy and help him grow.” I don’t believe so and I think it’s a mental trap; people fundamentally don’t change. The level of maturity often depends on the profession as well; e.g., if you have to lead a company, you need to grow up much faster than if you, e.g., have a safe job in the public sector.

Secondly, I would like to know that someone who I’m with is still alive. As a matter of fact, most people die at 30. They stop dreaming, thinking big, putting themselves out of their comfort zone, and solving problems.

Readiness for Commitment.

And all they think about is how to settle down, work out a comfortable lifestyle for themselves. And wait for retirement in these comfortable conditions. I’m not like that, and observing my own parents who are close to 70 and both going strong, I know that I will never be.

So, I need someone who is the same as me. Still alive and not planning to age or die any time soon. As mentioned before, some people are dead at 20 and some others are very much alive at 40.

So there is no rule for this. And I think that among all the possible things you can discriminate someone for, age is the dumbest one.

Having that said, historically, my partners were younger than me, probably because I value passion, inspiration, and life energy much higher than the sense of safety and security. Plus, I perceive young people as more genuine and authentic in their feelings.

And less calculating and transactional than older people. Which doesn’t mean that it’s a rule and it will never change.

Last thing: age is not as important but don’t trade youth for status. I notoriously bump into 60+ men who apparently think that wealth and social status will just buy them a partner. No, it won’t.

Physical Preferences.

➢ Height: preferably taller than me but negotiable. I’m 1,75m long (5’9) by the way. Sometimes it’s good to be the smaller spoon tho.

➢ Hair color: does not really matter. Just some hair, please! Besides, all cats are black at night — free wisdom, no need to pay.

➢ Some teeth would be nice too…

➢ And actually, it would be great if all the body parts are in place, if that’s not too much to ask.

➢ Posture: preferably, not too skinny. It’s not as important though.

➢ I somewhat avoid men who seem to spend too much time taking care of themselves. When I see a guy who clearly spends hours a day in front of the mirror, I tend to think: A princess. A snowflake.

A pimp. Whatever. I’m out.

➢ As for the rest of the looks, one cannot really give any recipes. There are many ways of being attractive, not just one.

Some people are hot because they are bold, while others are hot because they are humble. Partners need to be attracted to each other physically and there is no question about it.

I guess this can only be tested in practice! I have a soft spot for guys who look like teddy bears but this is not a rule. In other words: God, surprise me!

➢And in all honesty, I dealt with men of various looks and backgrounds. The only rule I see is that I always break the rules. Every partner was either younger, shorter, a different race, a different religion, less educated, totally broke… There were always SOME conventional aspects of relationships that I chose to ignore.

Companionship and Faith.

➢ Cuddliness: quite cuddly! I am cuddly myself, almost an oxytocin junk. So it would be a pity if the other party is not fond of cuddling at all…

➢ Dog person or cat person? All furries welcome!

➢ Religion: doesn’t really matter but hopefully not too religious. I’m not planning to introduce any religious practices to my life so if this is the expectation, I’m out.

That being said, I think it’s really important for a man to have a system of beliefs. My impression is that hardcore atheists who lean toward nihilism can become rather self-centered — even sociopathic in extreme cases — or at least careless in their relationships with others. They tend to put themselves first because they see no added value in simply being good for its own sake.

That’s something I worry about when it comes to people who are outgoing, active, and successful. Because beneath the charm, there can sometimes be a kind of emptiness, a quiet nihilism, or a complete lack of empathy for others.

That’s why I believe it’s important for a man not to be a fanatic. But still to have something he believes in — a philosophy, a framework, or even a simple sense of purpose. Belief gives life structure, meaning, and a moral compass.

As for me, I do consider myself a believer, although I stepped outside the box of traditional Catholicism quite some time ago. My current worldview draws from several philosophical schools and spiritual traditions.

Still, what matters to me is that I have a system of beliefs — a personal code that I follow. And I find it reassuring when the person I’m with also lives by their own set of principles, even if they’re not exactly the same as mine.

Nationality and Beliefs.

➢ Nationality. At this point, I’m nationality-agnostic. I’m Polish with 14 years in the Netherlands under my belt, but I believe we live in the global village.

And the content we consume and the lifestyle we live define us more than our passports. I feel mentally closer to all creative people in free professions, from founders to authors, than to 9-to-5 workers born in Poland.

➢ Ethnicity: doesn’t matter. I dated inter-culturally and interracially before, and I don’t have any mental barriers here.

➢ Political option: does not really matter but hopefully not too extremist. I have a bit non-typical political views; I don’t believe a political program matters as much as the execution. So I always vote for/support the person I perceive as the most accomplished and hard-working candidate regardless of their political option.

So, sometimes I’m on the democratic side, and sometimes on the republican side, depending on the candidates. So, it would be nice if the other party is not a fanatic supporter of any political option because sooner or later, our political views will clash.

Marital History and Independence.

➢ Marital status: obviously free, either unmarried or a widower. I gave it a thought and concluded that if I get together with a divorced person, the relationship will never become equal.

When I say “yes” to someone, it’s meant forever. So being with a second-hand partner who feels like it’s “forever unless…” would make our levels of motivation and investment drastically different.

I can get myself a car or a house from the secondary market… but not a husband.

Just to clarify that: I have nothing against people who are divorced. You might fail at marriage despite your best efforts and despite the fact that you are a sweetheart who deserves all the happiness in the world — and many people do.

Life does not end there, and he should definitely try again. I’m just saying that it makes much more sense for a divorcee to find another divorcee wth similar character arc. And start a second life together, as they will have a similar mindset and level of motivation.

Everyday Compatibility.

➢ Diet: does not really matter but hopefully not too much of a fussy eater.

➢ Attitude to cleaning: preferably somewhere in the middle of the Gaussian, not too pedantic and not too dirty.

➢ Preferably, someone without debts (other than a mortgage or a student loan).

➢ Someone who can stand a snoring person! I snore like a bear.

➢ Warm hands are always a plus…

➢ It would be appreciated if he was not sentenced for killing or beating his previous partner. I enjoy true crime, but I prefer to remain a spectator.

➢ I know that today, once you have cash, you can outsource virtually anything, especially if you have a good job. Still, it’s nice if he likes to do “manly stuff” sometimes: fix something at home, tinker, build something.

There is the whole young generation of guys who have two left hands and couldn’t even exchange a bulb. I can handle myself but it feels really good to be around a guy who wouldn’t die the first night he was left alone in the woods :)

It’s also that in my family, my Dad does nothing around the house: no tinkering, no cooking, no solving problems. All is on my Mum’s shoulders. So, when I encounter a guy who will not get his hands dirty (no hammer, no screwdriver, no cooking, no cleaning), I know that sooner or later I will be left alone with all the duties at home.

Plus, the job market is unpredictable. The fact that your job is well-paid today doesn’t mean that you won’t become obsolete in the market in the next 20 years. Money comes and goes, and attitude stays.

➢ An ability to cook is a big plus :)

Who Am I?

Lastly, I can say a few words about myself — and why I wrote this text in first place.

My name is Natalia, and I officially reside in the Netherlands but travel to the US, Poland, and India often. I was born and raised in Silesia, Poland. In Silesia, we are simpletons: God, family, work (or, in my case: God, family, company).

My Work and Career Path.

Professionally, I am more of a gardener than an architect: I plant projects and grow them without the endpoint in mind (because the bare sensation of growing things makes me happy).

I consider myself a builder of lighthouses and telescopes.

I founded a career incubator and accelerator Ontology of Value^® — an R&D, EdTech, and consulting company that conducts independent research on the fast-changing job market. In the company, I build tools and practices to help professionals self-navigate in the job market and craft their dream careers (hence lighthouses), as well as help businesses create synergistic, healthy, and happy teams in times of AI. Professional development has become “chess 5D” and so I travel the world studying the rules of the game.

I’m also working on a tool to listen to the Internet 24/7 and find signal over the noise to uncover and track the real state of the job market (hence telescopes).

I’m a bootstrapping solopreneur which means a ton of work. But I found passion in this job and I’m excited for the vision of doing this for another 30-40 years.

I spent my whole youth studying, reading books, and racing against other people. My three Master’s programs and a PhD in Computational Neuroscience took me the total of almost 15 years of a never-ending grind. I just didn’t want to live like that anymore.

That’s why I chose a job in which I work with people a lot, shake many hands, and travel. I also always dreamt of being an author and an early-stage investor. So I decided to give myself a treat and just finally embark on that path.

Daily Routine and Travel.

My daily life is a bit irregular because I wrap my deep work around meetings. In other words, I work whenever there is no one around to chat or party with :) It is a simple life though. I have lots of intellectual needs, and psychological needs — such as a need for safety, freedom, and trusted deep relations — but my material needs are almost none.

Lastly, I’d like to mention that I’m building my company in a way that in the long run, I can work from everywhere so I don’t necessarily need to stay in the Netherlands.

Bay Area, Nepal, Bali, and a few other spots in the world stuffed with smart and inspiring people also sound great. As long as great people are all around, I can pack and go. And well, some things are more important than a flag on the passport :)

My Beliefs, Philosophy, and Diet.

My three rules in life are:

Life is not a race.

I just don’t enjoy rushing anywhere. So I don’t.

Beliefs-wise, I live my life on a hard mode. I’ve never had an innocent childhood in a happy-pony land.

When I was 8, my best friend — who was also the most religious girl in the classroom. Was raped and drown in a lake. I was mad at God for many years after that, and I still don’t fully understand their will.

Among life philosophies of the world, today, I am the closest to Taoism. I believe in balance, in the art of “effortless life,” in promoting rationality and longevity. And I arranged my life according to Taoist principles without even knowing about them.

My diet is something between Taoist diet and Ayurvedic diet (pitta dosha type). And my home was already arranged according to feng shui principles before I even learned about the existence of feng shui. I also started practicing tai chi recently and moved my sleep schedule to earlier in the night and that helped my health immensely.

How I Structure My Time and Work.

By this occasion, I’d like to mention that I believe in God too. I just like to think that God and the Tao are two manifestations of the same life force, just as a particle and a wave are two manifestations of light.

I would also like to mention what lifestyle I would like to develop in the long run. There is a reason why crawl is the fastest swimming style; the time spent underwater is what really counts.

So, I would like to switch between three modes:

Active mode (~1—2 weeks at a time): intensively working with people—giving talks, advising/building projects, visiting meetups and conferences, coaching, etc.
Decompression mode (subsequent 1—2 weeks): coming back to homeostasis, follow-up arrangements from the active mode, replanning, rethinking the to-do lists,
Deep work mode (subsequent 3—4 weeks): working in silence at home in a house in the woods or in the distant suburbs. I used to dream about building a career center in the woods. Now that I’m increasingly peaceful and inwards, I know that I don’t function all that well when co-living in large groups, so I’d rather live away from the crowd.

In this “silent mode,” I’d like to keep on working on this project at home. But also go out to the park/woods, recharge in sauna, create new content, and write books and blogs in silence (well, in reality, it usually ends up with writing marathons accompanied by Tiësto on full volume), program if necessary, revise how the business is going and come up with new business ideas, occasionally meeting with close friends.

My Vision for a Minimalist Home.

Having said that, I’m fully aware that I’m a hermit type. The moment I arrive at a busy place full of people, my life bar always starts going down.

And recharges only when I’m by myself and out in nature. (Nothing wrong with that, by the way)

That’s why I’m thinking of a lifestyle that should optimize for peace of mind, which is the hardest and most elusive quality you can get in the times we live in. I wrote more about why it’s so hard in my essay HERE.

Actually, to a large extent, I already live this lifestyle. I travel to busy sites mostly when there is something important for me to do… and I jump back to the suburbs/woods/mountains whenever I’m not necessary in person.

I don’t mind if someone I live with has a different working schedule, e.g., works for home or goes to the office every single day. I only care that he accepts my lifestyle and doesn’t rant about the periods when I need to be alone, or I need to travel.

Shaping the Dream House

The more I think about it, the clearer my dream house vision actually becomes. I definitely need some green. So I’d prefer it to be either in the forest or at the edge of the forest.

With lots of glass, soft lighting. And an interior design that gives that cozy, warm feeling of a Dutch or Swedish apartment.

No spare objects, no clutter, no noise. The Dutch call it “gezellig,” the Danish call it “hygge,” and I guess it has mutated into something similar in every Scandinavian country.

Having said that, if that house is about to be in the Bay Area, it immediately becomes an expensive dream. But I still believe it’s better to have expensive dreams that fit us perfectly, than to wish for just anything. Something tells me they’re easier to fulfill, after all.

Personality, Social Life, and What I Need in a Partner.

I’d also like to share an unpopular statement: I enjoy wasting time. Let me explain. In our culture, it is seen as attractive if you jump on your scooter after work, trespass Arizona, play cards in Las Vegas, and have a portfolio of 10+ trendy hobbies which you can present on Instagram, preferably showing yourself among nice-looking faces.

I think I also learned the social game well enough to document my social life out there online. My friends are typically surprised that in reality, I spend 90% of my time all by myself and I’m happy about it.

So, in free time, I enjoy activities that have neither to do with hustling or sports. I fully dedicate myself to being lazy in all the possible ways.

Sleeping, sitting in the sauna, watching Netflix or YouTube for the whole day, like 10 true crime videos straight. If I meet a fan of extreme sports and outdoors activities, they should know that they will need to go on most of these adventures by themselves.

Some people function well just switching between work, social life, and sleep. I need the fourth leg, namely time just for myself, when I can happily ignore the rest of the world, including other people.

I also need my partner to be brutally honest about they way they live their lives and how they spend their free time. Don’t pretend anything, just tell me; doing nothing specific is fine.

My Vision for Family and Kids.

Lastly, let me share a vision of my future family. As mentioned before, I’m trying not to fixate on this one goal, as life without kids can also be happy and colorful, BUT I would like to make an attempt.

And I knew that from early on. I started using Internet in high school and one of the first things I googled was healthy dieting that works on behalf of fertility (including healthy fats and fiber coming from avocado, salmon, tomatoes, or sunflower seeds).

I have kept that diet until today. When I started making money, I first got a mortgage and bought a house and I froze my egg cells right after that.

I was also thinking how to marry my busy working life with my family life and I see one logical way, namely including atalent incubator for kids in my future operations. And using my delegation skills to delegate some of the house choirs. Plus, I cannot imagine my parents (a chess teacher and a retired aircraft engineer) not being involved in my family in some way as they want to be grandparents and I believe they will be good at it.

It is important to me that my kids are like a gang. Or like Ninja Turtles: tight-knit, solidary, and always standing behind each other. My own sister estranged me and it was a very painful experience so I have the ambition of teaching my kids that they need to be friends in life.

Plus, I hope my kids are nepo-babies. Because it means I got places.

On Loneliness, Loss, and Self-Reliance.

Lastly, an unpopular opinion: if I ever have kids, they would be equally important to me as my company. Not less but also, not more. I created my company from scratch so it feels like my own child too.

And, I specifically decided to become a bootstrapping solopreneur because I lost many people in my life. My grandma who raised me died early. My sister went insane and removed me from her life.

My fiancee ran before the wedding and broke any contact with me. My best friend was murdered when we were both 8 years old.

My friends from grad school left the Netherlands. My other friends ghosted me after they established families. One day my parents will die too.

Overall, I’m used to the fact that people leave my life sooner or later, that’s why I created a company that I am an irreplaceable for and that is the only thing I feel safe about. And it will never be less important for me than my family.

I was raised in a culture where it is expected of women to always put family over everything else. But I know myself and I just won’t. Happy mum, happy kids.

By the way, if I ever have kids, they will probably be as stubborn as I am. So I will need to advise them the other way around. For instance, I’ll tell them to study in Europe — as I know right away that’s the only way to make them NOT leave for Europe.

Fun Facts About Me.

Lastly, a few fun facts about myself:

I had a traumatic childhood: I was allergic to chocolate.
I have massive hypotension and my heart only beats ~50 times per minute. On the good side of things, I will likely live long. On the other side of things, I can randomly fall asleep — just saying.
I love true crime; the more gory the better. It might be my way to ventilate primal anger and other negative emotions.
My favorite movie of all time is “Fight Club.” I believe it only gains in relevance with time. Except since Jeff Bezos’ wedding, I always get bitter at the scene with Lauren Sanchez and ask myself, “Why?? She used to be so pretty!”
I always get hiccups after eating fresh carrots. No one has an idea why.
I tend to address everyone and everything per “honey” (pol. “misiu”), from God, through my parents, to my own body parts.

A Few More Fun Facts

In high school, I had a girlfriend, and I used to think I was gay. But then I realized that women lack some essential body parts, and I changed my mind.
I take pleasure from constantly designing new legal ways of getting high. Did you know that Pinot Noir mixed with aspirin and melatonin makes you a lucid dreamer? My own recipe, you are welcome. Also, try coffee brewed on black tea instead of water, that kicks like hell, even if your heart rate is at 50 (guess what: my own recipe). More recipes only for the inner circle.
The other day, I ordered genetic tests for myself. The tests revealed that I’m a mixture of a few ethnicities primarily known for heavy drinking. Now I feel like I hold the responsibility to carry the heritage of all humanity’s drinking culture. I think you know what it means. PS: I don’t have a drinking problem. Namely, I drink… but it’s not a problem.

Health, Brain, and Body Quirks.

9. DVA.

How would you feel if every day could be your last? At 24, I was diagnosed with a brain vessel malformation known as Developmental Venous Anomaly (DVA). It means I have a non-operable time bomb in my head, right near my brain stem.

Most likely, I will never suffer from it. But maybe, just maybe, one day my clutter of veins will pop — and that will be it for me. Life is a bit different when viewed through that lens; you become a brutal, unfiltered truth-teller who speaks her mind.

10. My brain is an all-eater.

But that’s not the only thing I can say about my brain in terms of “how it malfunctions.” Another thing is that, my brain eats literally everything, that is, even the worst junk food for brains.

I constantly get distracted at work as every content YouTube suggests to me, seems interesting.

I often get places late as I stop multiple times on the way, just enjoying the view or a conversation with a stranger.

A Quirky Brain

I tend to get overweight because I like every food and in any amount.

Every music and movie genre is good – I barely notice the difference.

I hold 10+ professions at a time; I couldn’t choose which profession to pursue when I grew up. So I chose to become everything at once.

Whenever I watch a presidential debate, I think to myself: “What a smart guy! What a dope lady!

What a great statesperson!” while everyone around me yells: “Thieves! Liars! Traitors!”

I get a syntax error every time someone around me complains about the weather. To me, the weather is always good (rain is romantic, mist is mysterious, blizzard is monumental… there is just no such thing as bad weather).

You get the idea.

What I’m trying to say is: my brain is an all-eater with a positive bias, and it’s a two-sided stick. You get flooded with dopamine day in day out, but getting focused is triple hard. This is one of the reasons why my offices typically look like prison cells.

And I don’t surround myself with too many items in general.

On Collecting Experiences, Not Things.

11. It’s really hard for me to answer the question: “What’s your plan for the day?”

Having said that, I had to work on my ways of making everyday decisions. Or otherwise, I would have gone crazy by now.

And I’d call the transition I made a move “from object to functional programming.”We are trained since childhood to think and act in the world of objects — to collect things. First, collect good grades. Yet, according to Diener, Lucas, and Scollon (2006), we adapt to acquired things quickly and drift back to our happiness baseline.

Then, collect professional certificates. Collect jobs.

Collect projects. Collect money. Collect awards & accolades.

Instead of collecting items (like points in your CV), I had to start learning how to suppress unwanted actions and how to make decisions. At the end of the day, your life is a compound effect of all the decisions you have ever made.

Choosing between two foods? Choose one that is less processed. Or, has more fiber.

Choosing between two roads to commute? Choose the one you didn’t try before.

Choosing between two social activities? Choose the one that gives a higher chance of serendipity.

Choosing between two new skills? Choose the one that makes perfect sense, given another skill you already have, so that 1 + 1 > 2.

And so on, and so forth. These hundreds of small everyday decisions which will make or break your day…. And your whole life in the long run.

So, whenever I’m asked “What’s your plan for today?” I sigh. Every day is an Odyssey.

I have no clue how it will go and how it will end. I will do whatever makes sense at the moment.

Street Lessons and a Night I Won’t Forget.

12. The law of the street.

I was raised on the same block of flats as two cult Polish rap squads, Paktofonika and Kaliber 44. I still can’t rap (which is my biggest complex)… but at least, I know the law of the street.

The word given is sacred. One for all, all for one.

Plus, I sometimes take a look at what my peers from primary school are doing today. They get places. Perhaps, we are not rappers.

But we are all poets. We are all fighters.

13. I don’t have a very good opinion about humanity.

In December of 2021, I went to Stockholm (btw, remember: NEVER visit Stockholm in December! It’s freaking cold out there) as, after close to two years of a strict lockdown in the Netherlands, I was desperate to go dancing.

A Stranger Asleep on a Bench

And so I did go dancing on Saturday night. Past midnight, while I was heading back, I noticed a young guy sleeping on the bench in front of my hostel.

He was hammered, and the temperature was below -20 Celsius (below 0 Fahrenheit). If he stayed there, he would have frozen before dawn.

I woke him up and tried to persuade him to walk indoors. But he was convinced he was fine and didn’t want to move at all. We started fighting like two raccoons in the snow.

In the end, despite taking a few hits on my nose, I managed to drag him inside the building. And put him on the bench in the corridor. When I looked in the morning, he was gone.

So, how does it feel to save someone’s life? Meh.

That story made me think. Most people are ungrateful, don’t appreciate what they have, don’t value their own lives.

And cannot even say “thanks.” Since that day, I no longer feel responsible for making humanity happy.

Wisdom, Morning Rituals, and Standards I Won’t Break.

14. Wisdom hurts.

It is not only that Zofia (Polish for “Sophia”) is my second name. But worse, I grow way too many wisdom teeth. I got rid of the first full set as an undergrad.

And the second set as a grad student ten years later. Now, I‘m struggling with the third set surfacing my gums.

I already told God this is not even funny anymore. Am I supposed to have another surgery every decade or what?

15. My morning routine.

Every founder has morning routine, right? For me, first thing in the morning I removing the browsing history from the previous night.

And then I usually dance just to put my mind in a happy state of mind… which the rest of the world tries to pull me out of for the rest of the day.

Standards I Will Never Compromise On

16. There are standards I will never adhere to.

I recently promoted 60 Master’s students in Psychology. While sitting at Master’s defenses, I had 60 15-minute close face-to-face conversations with those people, 90% of whom were women. Perhaps one-third of them (if not more!) had severe modifications to their faces.

This often looked pathetic, cartoonish, and almost scary.

Some of them had their eyebrows shaved entirely, and with permanent makeup in that place. Others just had a very heavy makeup and some fillers in their cheeks and lips.

One trend that took over the world is a so-called Instagram face. People tend to one central type of look just because it is so common.

But in times of informational overload, having a face identical to 100,000 other people is a killer. It’s like voluntarily renaming yourself to Jane Doe.

That’s when I realized that society is sick. I knew of some online beauty trends floating around. But I was not aware that these ridiculous concepts of what “self-care” means leak to real life in such high amounts.

I don’t care if I’m trendy or not; if that’s what’s expected, I’m out.

Small Quirks: Gifts, Biking, Faces, and Intuition.

17. I love giving people random gifts.

Does the satisfaction of the giftee matter? Not really. Mine does.

18. (No) Biking.

I can’t drive a bike in public (unless it’s Burning Man). It’s too stimulating for my body and I don’t want to feel like an exhibitionist. Och, did I mention that I’ve been living in the Netherlands for the past 14 years?

I’m probably the only person in the country who is NOT a biker. Let’s be real: I was never meant to become Dutch.

19. I seem to have a prosopagnosia…

toward dogs. I cannot recognize the faces of my friends’ dogs, no matter what.

20. Taste(less).

I consider myself a connoisseur of cringe and absurd. So beware.

21. An Anti-leader.

San Francisco is full of leaders. Well, I am NOT a leader.

I would even say more: I’m more of an anti-leader who tells people to go their own way, not listening to anyone, not even me. And I believe the keyword “community” is overexploited; most communities mostly benefit their leaders, not their members.

22. Diastema.

When I was small, I had a diastema. My parents ordered to remove it surgically. I still can’t forgive.

23. Intuition.

I find intuition the highest form of intelligence. I often follow even if my rational mind tells me otherwise.

The only thing I regret is that, I learned to overrule the rational mind with intuition relatively late in life. If I’d done that 20 years ago, I would have been in a completely different spot by now.

My Favorite Movies of All Time.

24. My favorite movies of all time.

Many people believe that your favorite movies tell a lot about who you are. These are some of mine (in random order):

Fight Club (although, since Lauren Sanchez destroyed her face, watching the movie is not the same anymore). This movie touches on so many important themes that I hardly know where to begin — from losing and regaining control over your life, to late capitalism, the complexity of human relationships, personal freedom, and the resistance to being put in a box. I could talk about it for hours, and each time I watch it, I come away with a different impression. Sometimes it feels optimistic, other times pessimistic, depending on the stage of life I’m in and my current state of mind. In a way, it’s almost like a barometer of my own happiness in that moment.

A Story About Control and Freedom

Call Me By Your Name. It’s a story a summer fling. I know it gained popularity mainly because it’s a gay love story, but to me it’s above all a genuine tale of two people — one with much more life experience than the other — and how their relationship unfolds and ends. The film is beautifully made, with excellent cinematography, strong acting, and an authenticity that makes it feel truly real.
Big Lebowski. An absurd and cringeworthy story told from the perspective of an average, all-American Midwest guy with no particular ambitions or interests, who suddenly finds himself caught up in a truly bizarre chain of events. For me, it works as a metaphorical study of what it means to be “normal” and what defines a good life. Perhaps the simple life isn’t so bad after all — and in this film, the Dude embodies that idea. To me, it shows that sometimes a simple life, and even simple-minded people, ultimately come out on top.

More Favorites on My List

Parthenope. For many, this is a story of romance and seduction. But for me, it’s more about how the relationship with a mentor should — or shouldn’t — look in an academic setting. Watching it brings back memories of everything that went both right and wrong during my own PhD. In the film, Parthenope is also deeply obsessed with Naples — its culture, its people, and its underground. And I feel a similar pull toward San Francisco, becoming increasingly fascinated by its multicultural and complex character.
Troy. A classic story, part of human heritage, told in a bold way with impressive effects and excellent acting. I’ve always enjoyed antiquity and its timeless tales and myths — where the lives of gods intertwine with those of humans — and I believe this film is quite underrated, only because it’s a blockbuster and those usually get spanked on Rotten Tomatoes.
The Disaster Artist. An absurd yet true story about Tommy Wiseau, a mysterious figure who came out of nowhere and created what is often considered the most cringeworthy — and possibly the worst — movie of all time, The Room. This film takes you behind the scenes of how it all came together, and it’s incredibly funny precisely because it’s real.
Reservoir Dogs. Pure art of building a complex story with bright characters using great dialogue and a minimum of resources (pretty much, the whole scene is a basement). It’s an essence of what good writing means to me.

Wine, Writing, and a Few More

Sideways. A modest, small-budget film, yet such a well-crafted story about the love for Californian wines — especially Pinot Noir. At its heart, it’s also a road trip tale of two men going through their own versions of a midlife crisis. The film touches on many themes and manages to be beautifully made: touching, melancholic, and at the same time deeply inspiring.
Fargo. Cringe, absurdity, and chaos — that’s how I’d sum it up. The humor is quirky, almost offbeat, yet for some reason, it really sticks in your mind. It’s unlike a typical three-act film; you never quite know where it’s heading or which direction it will take until it eventually comes to an end.

Films That Stick With Me

Back to the Future. This film has a truly unique storyline and an incredible sense of situational humor that, in my opinion, is unmatched by any other movie. It’s so sharp, so perfectly on point, and I honestly don’t think there’s another film quite like it — it stands apart as something truly different.
Requiem for a Dream. This film is all about how obsessions can ruin a life. It tells the tragic story of three people, intertwined with one another, whose lives each spiral downward for different reasons. It’s heartbreaking and painful to watch, yet so mesmerizing that you simply cannot look away.
Memento. A one-of-a-kind story, told in a truly unique way by reversing the order of events and presenting the narrative backward. Memento was created at a time when this kind of storytelling wasn’t yet popular, which made it feel original and groundbreaking. The film unfolds in such a clever way that your perception of the characters keeps shifting — the creep turns out to be a hero, and the hero turns out to be a creep. Ultimately, it’s a brilliant exploration of the fragility and complexity of human memory.

Being Disliked and My Spiritual Journey.

25. Many people dislike me.

Why? Because I have a rare asset: I‘m a free person.

As a bootstrapping solo founder who has not fallen in love with anybody, I can travel, work, and spend time with whoever I want and on any project I want. And I exercise that right.

You wouldn’t believe how many people secretly desire freedom, even if they seem to be ultra-successful on the surface. They become slaves to their own life success. And, the view of someone who is hungry and foolish, and has fun with it, makes them mad.

Besides, people also don’t understand that freedom and loyalty can coexist very well. Being free doesn’t make you a loose cannon at all. It’s all about setting boundaries right.

26. Spiritual journeys.

Ever since I fell in love with India, I developed a habit of taking (sole) spiritual journeys. This I would like to keep as an annual tradition. These spiritual journeys (primarily to Asia) have become essential for me to build a proper relationship with God, myself, time, money.

And nature — and disregard other people for a moment.

Since this is deeply healing for my brain and for me, I would like to keep this tradition. And make myself disappear for a few weeks every spring. It’s downtime event-wise, and it’s a beautiful time of the year in Asia.

So, whoever dares to be with me needs to know that I’m there for him. And for the rest of the world for only 11 months a year.

Singing Badly and Loving Zinfandel.

27. You would probably pay me NOT to sing.

My singing is terrible, really. Which is sad, as I can hear the melody; I just don’t have the voice. I enjoy dancing though.

28. Love for Zin.

I adore Californian Zinfandel, and not without reason. You see, consuming sugar always leads me to pain: crazy heart palpitations, burning ankles in all my limbs, and emptying my stomach. Zin is the sweetest wine on the dryness scale that I can still handle.

Exactly at the edge of pain. And perhaps I love it the most for the thrill it gives me every time.

Why I Wrote This Text.

Let me end with why — saying a few words about why I wrote this text in the first place.

First to say, even for the sake of your own self-development, it is good to have a clear vision of what you want. I would recommend such an exercise to anyone (even if you are in a relationship!) as putting my thoughts on paper gave me much more clarity and peace of mind.

Secondly, as a matter of fact, most marriages either ends prematurely or rots from the inside and dysfunctions. If you want to get results better than most people, you need to do something differently. And put more effort than others.

I am a highly functioning single person. I am not desperate. I don’t cry at night, I don’t spend my weekends sipping wine with my girlfriends.

And debating how to get yourself a guy, and I don’t spend my precious time browsing through dating websites.

Why I Value Being Understood

Actually, after watching recent defamation trial between Amber Heard. And Johnny Depp, I doubted if I even need a relationship in the first place. While watching this shit show, I felt like I’m good.

So, I am writing primarily because I don’t want to have any regrets. And I feel that overall, despite feeling good, I miss some important aspects of life that I might regret on my deathbed.

Every day is yet another journey and I feel sad sometimes when after a long day full of new thoughts. And experiences, I have no one to tell about all that in the evening. It would be cool to walk in home.

And have someone to say, “Hey, you won’t guess what happened today!” It always moves me when I see an elderly couple walking through the city. And holding each other’s hands — as I can imagine how many things these people must have gone through together.

My Father’s Joke About My Standards.

My Dad also recently spurred my ambition. Ten years ago, he used to joke that his future son in law would need to donate a Porsche Carrera to the family to buy me out.

I recently asked him, “So, which model did you have in mind, precisely?” And he answered. “Och, never mind.

If someone marries you, I will buy him a car myself.” There’s no better thing than your parents’ mental support…

And hey, E.T. sent a signal to outer space and summoned his fellows, so why wouldn’t it work for me?

But in all seriousness, I respect the game. We all live, breathe, look around, and then die one day.

Time on Earth is limited. If you set your expectations high, chances are that you will not find what you want in the short timeframe that you have.

That’s how it is, and I accept the risk. I believe I calibrated my wishes. And my lifestyle to have at least 80% of getting there (which is a classic threshold for power while designing any scientific tests), but it’s never 100%.

The upside of NOT living your life in silent desperation next to someone who pulls you down every day is good enough to risk.

A Word on the Joy of Living Solo.

As Master Osho so aptly put it in his famous book “Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously,” happiness. And the ability to enjoy what you have require courage. And effort (because they go against human nature), whereas sadness and depression are easy solutions in everyday life.

It’s easiest to think: If only I had X and Y… and look for reasons to worry more.

Lastly, I perceive living solo. And developing to the best of your ability, versus starting a family as two equally good ways of making the best out of your life. None of them would lead to regrets if every single day on the way is spent in valuable ways.

Just look at world leaders like Mark Rutte who smiles all day long despite resigning from the traditional family-based model of life.

There are also other ways of fulfilling your psychological needs for parenting. I became much more peaceful at heart once my sister got pregnant. Now I can enjoy my genes being spread while I enjoy my travels.

I’m also an auntie to many of my friends’ kids (habitually selling them BS: telling them that the Earth is flat, trolls are real, et cetera. Don’t tell anyone).

I also teach. As a career advisor, I fulfill my need for developing younger (and sometimes older!) people and helping them grow. Lots of parenting experience, and with no poop involved!

Lastly, I believe that whatever that is. Whether it’s God, the forces of nature, or fate — they are competent. And know what they are doing.

Trusting the Sequence of Events.

Sometimes I go back in time. And deliberate on the sequence of events that happened to me in the past: who, what, how, when, and why. And, I always arrive at the same conclusion: considering the starting point, my personal limitations.

And the long-term effects of these events on my life, the best possible scenario has played out. Every single time.

Regardless of whether I was losing someone in my life, losing a job, getting sick, or losing a ton of money, there was eventually a point. Even if it took me years or even decades to realize it. My faith in the right turn of events is unshaken; this is why I’m so patient and optimistic.

And even if I never happen to meet a soulmate (which I doubt. But anyway), I might still view it as the best possible scenario in retrospect.

The older I am, the more resistance I feel against the keyword “should.” If it turned out that my purpose from the very beginning was to demonstrate that one can live life solo.

And be happy, I would say: fine, bring it on.

The Marginal Probability of Happiness in Marriage.

Sometimes I change perspective and ask myself: what’s the marginal probability of being happy in a marriage versus being single? Research on this is inconclusive.

Some studies suggest that marriage generally prolongs life — though this effect appears stronger for men than for women. Other studies, however, claim that unmarried women without children actually live longer. And report higher levels of happiness than their married counterparts.

So, the data doesn’t offer a clear answer.

Still, I believe you can learn a lot from elderly people reflecting on their biggest regrets. They rarely dwell on their professional lives. And if they do, it’s usually to say they wish they had pursued their dreams more boldly.

When it comes to personal life, however, one theme keeps recurring: marriage. Many say they married the wrong person, or at the wrong time. Too early, perhaps — or that they regret never getting married at all.

In one way or another, it all comes down to who you choose as your spouse. And it truly seems to be one of the most consequential decisions of a lifetime. But that’s yet another reason not to rush into marriage just because everyone else is doing it.

Clearly, people living on their own are often happier than those stuck in an unhappy marriage — especially women. So, among all possible life scenarios, living solo is definitely not the worst one.

Lastly, there are so many unfair stereotypes about people who live solo! One unfair stereotype is that we have a problem with commitment. That’s not true.

I think we simply understand that being on your own is a close second. Or even equal — to being in a good relationship. There’s a high price to pay if you get stuck in a bad one.

A Track Record of Commitment.

In fact, I’ve never had a problem with commitment. Professionally, I devoted myself to one mission: science and education. For years, I believed that was my lifelong path.

But once I saw neuroscience from behind the scenes. The p-hacking, the politics, the compromises — I realized how much of the system was broken.

That’s why I chose to step away and build something of my own. Had I known earlier what science really looks like from the inside, I would have made that move right away.

In my private life, it’s much the same. I’ve never left anyone.

I don’t even know what it feels like to break up with someone, because I never have. Every commitment I’ve made — personal or professional — has been final.

Why Do I Live Solo In the First Place.

So, how does it feel to be on your own, like a rolling stone?

I must say, quite good. And I didn’t waste one day.

First of all, despite most of my high school friends are married with kids right now, I don’t feel like anything went wrong in my development. I was always slow but harmonious at personal growth. I certainly didn’t sleep through all this time but rather, worked hard on myself.

I pushed myself to my very limits as an undergrad finishing as a triple Masters, I traveled like a maniac through five continents in my twenties, I went through a long, deep rocky PhD program, I wrote 5 books. And I’ve been putting myself to the limits again as a bootstrapping solopreneur. And living in four countries at a time for the past few years.

From a researcher in neuroscience, through academic teacher, ghost writer of business plans, professional landlady, stock trader… what haven’t I tried in my life! I have no regrets.

If I had started a family instead, I wouldn’t have become who I am now. And quite frankly, I would have probably asked myself “what if” quite a lot.

Coming to Terms With My Father.

Plus, it took me a long time to come to terms with my parents, especially my father. We used to bicker a lot in the past. But we have become strong allies in the recent past, only after he went through a life-saving operation.

It’s hard to develop a healthy relationship with a man if you don’t have a healthy relationship with your dad in the first place. But I think I’m getting there.

And yes, I spend a lot of time on my own… but this doesn’t make me sad at all. Rather, the opposite — these are often my best times!

Whether this makes me *dangerous* or not, I really enjoy my masturdating habits, including intentionally bringing myself to dates in parks, cafes, concerts, dancing parties, and such. It’s not a joke, a manifesto, or an act of activism. I sincerely feel better connected to nature, the universe, spiritualism, and my own creative powers (and especially to the generator of corny jokes) whenever I’m on my own.

Sometimes, I ask myself: would that ever happen? The thing is, I am self-confident and I know my worth, but I lack faith in a just world. I know plenty of people (and especially women) who just weren’t lucky enough, early enough.

But then, I always come back to the same conclusion: I have to focus on what’s in my power. Which is, for instance, living on, meeting new people, and hitting the keyboard at times.

Plus, it made me think a lot when I met with His Holiness the Dalai Lama in person. He didn’t look like he had too many regrets, despite he had served as a spiritual leader for his whole life. There are so many equally good ways to live.

Life as a Game With Two Endgames.

Life—like almost everything within it—can be understood as a game. I’ve been thinking a lot about the endgames of this game. And about two primary scenarios: choosing yourself, or choosing to start a family.

What strikes me is that these two paths may lead to roughly the same level of happiness. Just for very different reasons.

Starting a family comes with highly visible rewards. You gain tangible family members, shared rituals, and a socially recognized sense of fulfillment. That’s a very real kind of win.

But choosing to live on your own offers a different set of benefits: better health, more time, peace, good sleep, autonomy, and mental spaciousness. These things are harder to display or celebrate publicly, but they are often priceless.

Interestingly, happiness research struggles to declare one path clearly superior to the other. Studies comparing people with and without children—especially women—are inconsistent.

In fact, many studies suggest that childless women are, over time, equally happy or even happier. So this is far from a simple or settled question.

Society, of course, tends to push a single narrative: that you shouldn’t even ask this question. That choosing yourself is selfish; that reproduction is the obvious, unquestionable path. But that narrative also serves society’s own interests.

When you step back and look at it objectively, outside of social expectations, not following that script can bring forms of joy that family life may never offer.

In that sense, these two endgames stand on equal footing before the gods of happiness.

What Kind of Man I’m Actually Looking For.

And it’s not the case that there are no great guys who are interested in getting to know me. The problem is as follows. Guys usually believe that women are searching for:

Handsome,
Wealthy,
Geeks.

Well, guys like that are standing on every corner. They are not even close as special as they think they are.

While in fact, I, the same as most women, need:

Warm,
Witty,
Doers.

…and they are almost nowhere to be found.

Women are self-sufficient today. We don’t need men to support us financially. We also don’t need guys who constantly try to outsmart us and flex with their IQ.

And those who spend half a day in the gym or in front of the mirror.

To be honest, I have torsions whenever I encounter someone like that. And if all I want is to have an elaborate discussion with someone, I can just put on ChatGPT.

What I Actually Need

What I need instead, is someone who is warm and easy-going. And who invites me to his world just like that, without any tensions, hurdles, posing, or games. Someone who likes people and has some empathy and understanding for others in general, not just for me.

Someone who is genuinely funny. I already have what I need to survive.

What I need is good laughter. Life is always a little bit less painful. And much sweeter if you have someone around you who can laugh through tears.

And find something positive in every situation.

Around some people, everything is just easy. They are good decision-makers.

They never complain about stupidities. They can take a little inconvenience.

They don’t let you wonder what they think — they just say it. When they work out some plan, they don’t overthink it — they just go for it. Life is so easy in the accompany of those people!

A Word on What Truly Wins a Woman’s Heart.

To back up my point about what many women actually find attractive. As opposed to the belief in some looksmaxxing circles that all it takes is bigger biceps, a bigger paycheck. And a passive “pick me” attitude—let me tell you the story of how I met my ex-fiancé.

…and, more importantly, what made him become my fiancé in the first place.

We met at a summer student camp, where he immediately stood out from everyone else. There was something fundamentally different about him.

First of all, he was incredibly positive. He simply didn’t create problems where there weren’t any.

A Telling First Breakfast.

I remember our very first breakfast at the camp. We were all sitting together at one table, but there wasn’t a spare chair for him.

Instead of looking around, asking someone to bring one. Or making a fuss about it, he quietly walked into the storage room, came back carrying an empty beer crate, turned it upside down, and sat on it.

He didn’t point it out, make a joke about it. Or try to draw attention to how resourceful he had been.

He simply continued the conversation as if nothing unusual had happened. Solving the problem came so naturally to him that he didn’t feel the need to comment on it or seek recognition for it.

That was the moment I realized he had a mindset I hadn’t encountered very often: whenever he ran into an obstacle, his first instinct was simply to find a solution and move on.

During the camp, he decided that I was the person he wanted to talk to. He said so openly, right in front of everyone, despite the fact that there were plenty of other girls trying to get his attention. He made it very clear that he preferred talking to me, and he didn’t hide it for a second.

What struck me was that he wasn’t playing games. He wasn’t flirting with every girl in every dark corner of the hotel or trying to keep his options open. He simply decided that I was the most interesting person in the room.

And from that moment on, he focused on getting to know me.

The Mafia Game and What It Revealed About Him.

I remember one evening when I was playing Mafia with a group of people. Since Mafia is a team game, once you’re in, you’re not supposed to leave until you’re eliminated.

He came over and asked if we could talk, but I told him I couldn’t leave the game. A while later, he came back and asked again.

Same answer. Then he returned for a third time, and I was still very much alive in the game.

At that point, he came up with a different solution.

Completely out of the blue, he pulled down his trousers for a split second. Everyone around the table froze in shock—including me. Before anyone had a chance to react, he pulled them back up, picked me up, threw me over his shoulder.

And simply walked away with me.

That was the end of my Mafia game.

Looking back, that story captures his personality surprisingly well. He was incredibly straightforward and decisive.

He didn’t play psychological games, he wasn’t manipulative, and he never tried to create artificial mystery around himself. He was simply open-hearted, authentic, and remarkably good at coming up with unconventional solutions to problems.

Because of that, I never really felt I had any reason to doubt him. He wasn’t a player.

He had many qualities that captivated me almost immediately.

Ironically, when we first met, he was actually severely overweight. At the time, I wouldn’t have described him as particularly handsome.

But over the following months, as he spent a lot of time sweating around me, he naturally lost a lot of weight. Only then did he become conventionally attractive.

So, his looks was not what caught my attention in the first place. It was entirely his personality.

He Was Broke, But We Were Happy.

Let me add one more thing. At the time, he was just a first-year university student and so broke that when he wanted to surprise me with flowers, he couldn’t afford to buy them. Every now and then he’d show up with a bouquet and grin, “I stole these for you.”

We didn’t have much money back then. But we were really, really happy.

A Word on Why Being a Doer as a Man Is So Important.

When I meet someone interesting, I tend to wait for the guy to come up with some initiative. Some of my friends and family call it passiveness but I believe this attitude has nothing to do with passiveness.

Namely, I am a doer — but I also believe in social exchange. Let me explain.

I would be perfectly fine asking guys out, paying for them. And making sure they are entertained… if only they give delivery to our kids for me. You get the idea.

I just don’t want to be used. And to drag someone on my shoulder through life as so many poor women agree to do.

So, when someone expects me to take action, I usually take action…. And then watch myself inevitably losing all enthusiasm toward the vision of making this person my life partner.

Besides, I lost a ton of time in my life (especially in my twenties) wondering what people meant. And excusing them for their inaction.

I thought, “perhaps he is busy,” or “perhaps he is shy.” Now my thinking is that, if the guy doesn’t call or text, he is either not interested, or he is too passive to take any action (hence useless).

Wondering “what if” or “maybe” is a waste of time. And takes 10x more time than meeting a new person would take.

And in general, one cannot overstate how important being a doer is in a guy. It’s a good predictor of all future life together. For that reason, I look closely at people’s demeanor and value it much more than their achievements.

I would rather choose the company of someone who makes me a sandwich than someone who buys me dinner in an expensive restaurant. Because moving one’s butt always beats swiping a credit card.

A Connection I Let Slip Away.

There were many occasions when I felt a genuine connection with someone. The banter was great, the chemistry was there. And I could see the question in his eyes, silently asking whether I was interested.

And hoping that I would make the first move.

But I never did—not because I’m passive or lazy. But because I believe there are certain unwritten rules of social interaction that have existed for thousands of years. If a man isn’t willing to step out of his comfort zone, even for a moment, to pursue something that so obviously has more potential upside than downside, then I don’t think he is likely to be a good life partner in the first place.

So even when it was obvious to me that there was something in the air, I didn’t go out of my way to pull him into my orbit. I simply didn’t believe that a relationship built on me doing all the emotional heavy lifting from the very beginning would be the kind of relationship I wanted.

Do I regret any of that? Absolutely not.

A Word on Stereotypes and Toxic Masculinity.

Most of our core beliefs about the world are formed very early in life, often before the age of ten. We may not be fully aware of them, but these beliefs quietly shape our reality later on.

For the rest of our lives, we tend to act in accordance with them. And in turn, the world seems to reflect.

And reinforce them back to us.

I watched my first TV shows in the 1990s, a time when portrayals of men were just as stereotypical. Those images quietly shaped an internal template of what a “real man” was supposed to be: rough, unemotional, looking like a 90s action hero.

Or, at best, a rugged lumberjack. Sensitivity and emotional openness were simply not part of that picture.

I think that image is still buried somewhere deep in my mind. Even though I genuinely like kind, humorous, gentle people, I sometimes catch myself unconsciously downgrading or rejecting men who are naturally sensitive or fragile. Or show me emotional weakness—those who don’t fit that “tough guy” archetype.

For instance, I enjoy self-deprecating humor. But only when it comes from a confident person who clearly thinks well of himself. When I start wondering if there might be a grain of truth to the jokes, all the attraction just fizzles out.

I’m aware that this doesn’t serve me well, and I actively try to change it. But undoing something that was imprinted so early is hard.

Once an image like that settles into your internal world at a young age, changing it consciously later in life takes real effort and patience. I shared more about the childhood beliefs and their impact on my life HERE.

Redefining What Makes a Man Strong.

Having said that, I had to redefine what it means to be “tough” in a guy. I don’t necessarily need guys to be the strongest physically but mentally.

Actually. I would even say more, as it’s not just strong nerves; there is more to it.

Conventional thinking is: “Women no longer chase after troglodytes with muscles — that’s an atavism. Today, they are into smart guys. Brain power is the real strength in a guy.”

I’d say: yes and no.

First of all, pure IQ got devalued in times of intelligent machines. I’m pretty sure any woman can have a more elaborate conversation with her favorite chatbot than any guy out there. This is not where — in my eyes — the real strength in a man comes from.

The thing is: Are we our brains? Are you sure about that?

We are ghosts in the shell — but our brain… Is it the ghost? Or is it the shell?

I personally like the representation of the world in which we are something more than the sum of our brains and bodies.

…A representation in which we both our brains and bodies are just tools to serve our high goals. Tools, or perhaps vehicles.

And, they should be treated like tools (or vehicles) — cleaned, maintained, fueled, taken care of. But not worshipped.

What Real Toughness Looks Like.

To summarize this, the real strength that I admire in men is what my tai chi master, Master Gu, likes to call it, “strong Chi” (or, strong spirit / strong presence).

What do I mean by that?

Examples:

This guy is tough. His demeanor is so confident and peaceful than when he studies, I trust that I can focus on studying and forget about the rest of the world.

And all will be just fine. He seems to have a complete control over his mind and probably wouldn’t let someone else out him out of zone or get on his nerves in any circumstance.

That’s tough. In fact, he is so quiet and has such a strong presence he almost feels like an AI avatar. Well, that’s another story.

Another example:

This guy is tough. He just got face-palmed in front of the whole world and all his reaction was making a quick joke before moving on with the ceremony as planned.

You get the idea.

Developing such resilience takes a lifetime, not just a few visits to a gym here and there.

A Word on Wealth.

While talking about toxic masculinity, let me tell you a bit more about money in a guy. And what I think about it.

I’ve always tried to focus on the things that truly matter to me. What I care about is the value a person creates. And the irony is that the job market is a highly imperfect system.

It often doesn’t reward the people who create the most value with the highest salaries.

Even worse: becoming successful on the market. And wealthy often requires developing traits I don’t particularly admire—being excessively ruthless, manipulative.

Or displaying some of the characteristics associated with the so-called Dark Triad. So when I meet someone who is exceptionally financially successful, a little red flag often lights up in my head.

Not to mention that wealthy does not mean generous. It’s often the opposite.

Besides, money is “fungible” (it’s the same no matter where you get it), while genes, attitude, and personality aren’t. I unconsciously assume that a guy with money feels he doesn’t have to work hard or try as hard for a woman as a guy without it, because money automatically takes care of most of the tasks and problems.

Moreover, part of me assumes that they’re being pursued by many women for reasons that simply don’t matter to me. And I often find myself wondering: why would I choose to compete for someone’s attention based on qualities I don’t even care about?

Catching My Own Bias Around Wealth.

Because of that, I’ve developed a tendency to overlook—or even subconsciously discount—men who are obviously wealthy. There’s another stereotype I’ve caught myself believing.

This is probably just another stereotype. Plenty of people become wealthy simply because they’re exceptionally good at creating value, solving difficult problems, or monetizing their natural talents. There doesn’t have to be a darker story behind their success.

So, just as I’ve been consciously working on changing my perception of men’s physical appearance, I’ve also been trying to change my perception of men’s wealth. I suspect that this bias has caused me to overlook quite a few genuinely wonderful men.

Not because of who they were. But because of the story I automatically told myself about people with money.

By the way, this doesn’t mean that someone who sits passively. And does nothing while their family needs money is attractive, okay? Money comes and goes (especially in the current job market), but attitude remains.

A Word on the Masculine vs Feminine Energy.

I spent my high school, undergrad. And grad school in masculine energy: coming to classes, passing exams, publishing as many papers as possible, competing for stipends (and in an environment that was 80%+ men) (according to the National Science Foundation, women have long been underrepresented at the doctoral level in science and engineering fields nationally, too)…

At some point, I didn’t want that anymore. I knew I could work hard, but that works only when I follow my natural rhythm. I would likely burn out if I had to be glued to my office desk 9 to 5 (which, in practice, often means 9 to 9).

This is one of the reasons why I chose the lifestyle of a bootstrapping solopreneur in the first place.

Now that I lead a company doing in career development, I work around more females and feminine energy. And that healed me in many ways. Career advisory is all about empathy, dialogue, and deep networking.

And that’s what I wanted: to live a soft life where I can create, spend time in silence, in greenery. And when I work, I have banter with people rather than competing. And knowledge flows together with joy.

And humor (by the way, you would be surprised about dark dystopian humor career advisors represent — it’s excellent).

Feminine energy is all about making progress gently rather than via force: using the intuitive mind, taking opportunities, doing less but with more impact. That life suits me.

I used to worry that soft life would make me feel detached. But the Internet and social media saved the day. The world is too well-connected now to feel alone, even if you work from a cabin in the woods.

A Word on Strong Women.

There are days I regret that I was born a “strong woman” (well, I don’t think I’m all that strong. But this is unfortunately how I’m viewed).

When men become highly educated and professionally successful, it increases their chances of developing a good relationship. For women, it works the other way around. The other day, I attended a meeting with about 40 ladies in the Bay Area, all of them being founders of tech companies.

Just one among us was married, while the remaining 39 were singles or divorced. That made me think that there is nothing wrong with me; there is a lot wrong with society though. I try to avoid limiting beliefs but this stats is just brutal.

I talked to many “strong women” since and we concluded that just two types of guys are attracted to us:

The dishonest guys who want to score a trophy on a side and notoriously “forget” to tell you they have a partner,
The weak guys with two left hands. Those who stumble and crash at the simple question: “What do you want in life?” Everything is “whatever” to them; they display no passion for life or for work, so they seek to suck someone else’ s energy and get entertained. “Save me! Entertain me!” is written on their foreheads. “I have no energy and you have plenty, so pretty please give me some!”

The Rarity of the Alex Hormozi Type.

The only strong guy with a strong partner whom I can think of is Alex Hormozi. But there is only one Hormozi out there… and he already has a wife.

Sometimes it comes to mind that the simplest solution for me would be to do hypnosis. And change orientation so that I can find myself another strong woman and live happily ever after. There are so many inspiring, vibrant, inspiring women up for grabs!

The only strong guy with a strong partner whom I can think of is Alex Hormozi. But there is only one Hormozi out there… and he already has a wife.

Actually, the fact that in the XXIst century, men are still afraid of so-called strong women, is an atavism— or, a massive cognitive error. Historically, independent women indeed were more “dangerous” than others as they could theoretically flee and start new lives. But today, we live in an economy where every woman can leave their partner and get by, weak or strong.

So, what are you so much afraid of? What you should be really afraid of is neuroticism and complexes, not strong character.

A Word on the Nightmare of Every Woman.

James Spader is an actor known for his craft, awarded with the Cannes Film Festival Award for Best Actor, three Primetime Emmy Awards , and nominations for three Golden Globe Awards, and ten Screen Actors Guild Awards.

He is known for often portraying eccentric and morally ambiguous characters. He rose to fame as the star of multiple classic erotic thrillers of the 90ties.

Among others, he is renowned for his role in David Cronenberg’s Crash (1996), where he plays a producer aroused by car crashes. He also starred in my fav kinky movie of all time, Steven Shainberg‘s The Secretary (2002).

Simon Baker is an Australian actor who, despite playing in movies for over 20 years, only rose to fame after he played the leading role in The Mentalist (2008-2015), which earned him all possible accolades, including the Emmy Award and named the “Sexiest Man on Television” by TV Guide magazine in 2009 (this one is ridiculous, I know).

This is Simon Baker now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBWaTL4S_Wk

This is James Spader now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoQnraT0RnE

You see, Simon Baker still mesmerizes everyone around him with charm, while James Spader turned into a pretentious grandpa.

When we get together with a guy, we don’t know whether he will take care of himself or how he will age. We just hope he won’t age ike James Spader. Argh.

A Word on Success.

There’s a common belief that successful women only want successful men. In a way, that’s true — but I think it’s important to remember that success is deeply subjective. Success is in the eye of the beholder.

What feels like success to you might not mean the same to me, and vice versa.

For me, the essential question is: Does the man feel successful in his mind? Because if he doesn’t, no one else can change that for him. If a guy feels insecure at heart, it leads to self-sabotage — where he unconsciously undermines the relationship until it eventually falls apart.

Let me give you an example.

A Story About a Man Who Lost His Confidence.

I once dated a very talented young man whom I met when he had just started his studies. In Warsaw, he was an excellent student — highly regarded by his professors, consistently top of his class. And even awarded a special scholarship from the Minister of Science after his first year.

He felt accomplished, confident, and rightfully proud of himself. I often told him how proud I was of him too, knowing how demanding his program was. And he took those words to heart.

But things changed after he moved to the Netherlands to be with me. Studying in English — and partly in Dutch, which he didn’t know — made everything more difficult. His grades dropped, and suddenly he no longer saw himself as a capable student.

But as someone struggling to keep up.

I kept telling him I was proud of him, that he had great potential and would go far in life. But this time, he no longer heard my words the same way.

When His Insecurity Took Over

His growing insecurity twisted their meaning — he began to see my encouragement as pressure. And eventually, he accused me of expecting him to become a provider, as if I were a gold digger. That was never my intention; I was saying the same words I always had.

Only now, they were filtered through his self-doubt.

There was nothing I could do or say to save that relationship. Eventually, he ran from me. And that experience made one thing painfully clear: if a man doesn’t have inner peace.

And a deep sense of confidence in himself, regardless of circumstances, the relationship will never be truly stable, no matter how hard I try to hold it together.

The truth is, men can only be genuinely happy when they feel professionally fulfilled. And no woman, no matter how loving or supportive, can change that. Even in the best of relationships, that sense of accomplishment has to come from within.

A Word On the Peace of Mind.

When listing attractive traits in men. And women, one is often overlooked, one that trumps all the others: peace of mind.

(I’m working on this myself, as I have a very explosive metabolic type. According to Ayurveda, Pitta dosha—and throughout my life I need to constantly slow down.

And calm down to keep the inner fire at bay.).

Because what’s the point of a guy becoming successful if he had to become an asshole along the way. And now he’s toxic and takes his frustrations out on those around him?

Women often choose men who may not have the highest status. But who have their heads together, are calm, balanced, and feel good about themselves. For the same reason, men often run away from women who are young.

And beautiful, but also neurotic and create endless drama for everyone. Ultimately, we all just want peace of mind.

That’s why lightness of being, inner peace, and balance make a huge impression on me. BTW, in 2017, by pure chance I stumbled upon a shamanistic workshop in Los Angeles where we discovered our power animal.

I won’t go into detail about what it was like, as the practices were quite peculiar. In any case, it turned out that my power animal—which, in this approach, represents not myself. But the people whose company I find beneficial—is a panda bear.

And what are the characteristics of a panda?

It has enormous power, but it doesn’t feel the need to prove it to anyone. It simply lives peacefully in the forest, minding its own business, and unconcerned with its surroundings.

Panda bears are the best. That’s the truth.

A Word on Travels and Travelers.

I live in a vicious circle of sorts.

Many people think: “Why to date a digital nomad? What for?

It’s a heartbreak guaranteed.” …while my thinking is: “Why would I settle for one place without a life partner, given that I work online.

And a perfect guy can be one flight away?”.

Plus, there are so many pejorative stereotypes about people who travel a lot… Nomads as seen as people who keep on looking for adrenaline. And are drawn to try something new every day. The “another partner in every city” stereotype.

But you see, things are different. People who travel a lot usually seek physical and/or mental space to call home.

Plus, in my opinion, travelers are better, firmer decision makers because they have a better empirical knowledge of what the world offers. Due to life experience, they can settle on something. And be happy with their choice, instead of wondering “what if” for the rest of their lives.

Sensing It Quickly

I meet lots of people. And this is exactly why I can tell in under five minutes whether I can see a future with someone. And what the odds of meeting someone even closer to my mindset elsewhere in the world are.

I remember the day when I met my ex-fiancee. After a few minutes of conversation, I could see our life together.

I saw it then and there. I saw it all, and I never changed my mind after that.

Travelers also know that actions have their real-world consequences. So, don’t undermine travelers!

Besides, the whole life is travel — it’s the longest journey you’ll ever have. Partners are co-travellers, aren’t they?

A side note: moving from place to place is NOT development per se. I know dozens of lifelong travelers who are as stupid as a shoelace. They simply go from place to place, shoot tiktoks, and consume stuff.

They don’t think or learn at all. So, when I say “a traveller,” I mean a real one, not just a tourist.

A Word on the Vicious Cycle of (Not) Dating.

I love my lifestyle, but it has one major problem. Namely, people often have the wrong idea about me. They stare at me, make small talk, are interested in me as a person…

but they don’t ask me out. They think that since I’m often away anyway, there’s no point in proposing anything, because I’ll soon be gone again.

However, from my perspective, it’s the exact opposite. Since I have no reason to live somewhere permanently, I keep moving. Why should I stay in one place when I don’t have a partner.

And my dream guy might be just a flight or train ride away?

And so the vicious cycle continues.

A Word on the Big Fork.

The longer I live, the more I’m convinced that until 30, all you can tell about someone is their raw potential. It’s only after 30 when this potential either implodes or explodes (which I like calling „the Big Fork”). And it all mostly rests on building long-term relations, self-discipline, and personality rather than inborn talent.

I know people who were mid students as undergrads but flourish in all fields of their lives now. I also have friends who are former straight-A grade students. Now jobless, burnt out, look like zombies, suffer from all kinds of addictions.

And spend time on useless activities like UFOlogy. Or even worse: they feed their broken egos by attending parties for the polyamorous. And think that makes them look cool.

Why am I saying this? Well, in my family, I’m surrounded by people who never stop growing. I don’t know how to technically prevent someone from getting derailed.

And turning into a zombie but I just hope that this won’t happen to my future partner.

A Word on Settling Down.

Reading this text, you might have the feeling that I’m a nomad who cannot stick to one place (and perhaps one lifestyle or one person). Well, I can and I will.

Well, this nomadic stage is just a stage. While many other solo women would sit on the therapist’s couch, drink wine. And whine in a group with other chics, or sit in their rooms glued to Tinder.

And keep on swiping, I live life. I do my best to focus on the positives: yes, I was given a veeeery long childhood and iron health. So instead of sitting with my arms crossed, I use these assets to travel, get more self-awareness.

And figure out where in the world „my people” are (you might be surprised about that. It’s often that they reside in little villages in the Himalayas or in the desert).

But one day, I’ll finally get to my final form, choose my final place, my final person. And my final lifestyle; I’m quite certain about it. This is also why San Francisco is so essential to me — it has it all.

A Word on Visualization and Vision Boards.

I recently adopted a new self-development routine and started creating vision boards. The concept is simple: just draw what you want to materialize in your life and hide it deep in your closet so that other people cannot interfere with your dreams.

The concept is: to have something, you need to want it. To want it, you need to see it. So, put it on paper and let your subconscious work.

Is this approach scientific? Not at all. But it weirdly works.

I put a ton of stuff in there. And and a few items I drew in early 2025 have already materialized like charm. To put it briefly, my life is supposed to be a musical, with lots of dancing, greenery, travels, great people, projects, science, business, and whatnot….

And with lots of absurd “The Naked Gun” level humor — which is what it already is. Just more so.

The Mushroom-Trip Aesthetic

And generally, my vision boards are drawn sober. But they look like they were created on mushrooms—everything is mixed with everything. You might see an American passport next to a chicken leg (with BBQ sauce, of course).

And a lighthouse… just tons of nonsensical pictures like that. But it works!

Paradoxically, the only thing I DID NOT draw was a partner. Why?

Well, not that I didn’t try… I made a few attempts and decided that all sketches were ugly as f. I thought to myself: “If I get someone that ugly, it will be my fault.” So, I decided to draw nothing at all.

By the way, I also have a list of 10 statements I affirm every morning. Just to start the day on a positive note.

One of these statements is: “Men are amazing.” Given how many bad experiences I’ve had, I have to hustle myself into that positive mindset every day.

But it does work. Men are amazing.

A Word on Neurodiversity.

Observing myself, I seem to have a preference to surround myself with scientific/analytical minds (pol. ścisły umysł), mostly because I believe that analytical people understand the world better than artists. As a matter of fact, it is way easier for a mathematician to grab a brush and produce some art than for an artist to understand statistics.

But this preference also comes at a cost — the percentage of neurodiverse people among analytical minds is quite high. In my early youth, I encountered a few people with Asperger’s syndrome on my way, whose actions were plain hurtful to me.

This is why I always ask myself: “Does this person have any cognitive impairments?” …and if I see typical symptoms of the autism spectrum, I walk away. I could possibly function around a person with ADHD, but autism is just too much of a compromise.

Is this unfair? Perhaps.

I just believe that people should look for what’s common for them. Neurodiverse people do better among neurodiverse people, simpletons like myself do better among other simpletons.

A Word on Time Investment.

Yet another common misconception I need to struggle with is the belief that an active person busy with building their business simply doesn’t have any time for relationships. Time is not made of rubber, right?

Well, it isn’t… until it is. My observation is that in relationships, I have an extra load of energy. And sleep less so that eventually, I can achieve the same number of goals as when I’m on my own — if not more.

And I easily find time for the other person.

And this holds true for most people: professional achievement correlates with achievements in private life positively, not negatively.

A Word on Counting Your Chickens Before They Hatch | the Fear of Death.

So many guys out there could give an elaborate lecture on how many children they’d like to have. And exactly what kind of parents they’re going to be. But why spend so much time thinking about that if you don’t even have a partner yet?

Believe it or not, I’ve never even thought about the color of my wedding dress. Not even when I was engaged—let alone about my future parenting style or how I’d raise my children.

Why make life more complicated than it needs to be? One problem at a time.

Moreover, many people think they want to have kids out of the desire for growth, while in fact, it’s a pure fear of death.

They fear becoming irrelevant, dying in solitude, not having as many assets and success as others. They fear being compared or judged. They fear that no one will come to their funeral (BTW if you are reading this, don’t come to my funeral, ok?

I won’t be able to pay you back).

It’s all derailed thinking.

In fact, you are safe. No one cares if you have children or not.

No one will like you more or less because of that. In fact, if you are an overworked parent — who is frustrated. And toxic for everyone around — people will like you less.

And if you think about having kids before finding a partner, you are in fact looking for an incubator.

I really think kids should be a natural consequence of a relationship that is strong like a fist, rather than a primary reason to date someone. Otherwise, it’s nothing else then an animalistic desire to survive at any cost.

On Word on How to Raise Ambitious Children.

On that note:

Recently, my lifelong friend, who is a dad now (kids aged 10. And 3), has asked me this: „What did your dad do so that both his daughters are ambitious now?”

Well, he found them an ambitious mother; that’s all he did. Kind of funny how so many men I know only wake up 10 or 15 years after their wedding to realize how much they screwed themselves over.

Well, too late, Darlin

A Word on Personal Freedom.

Personal freedom is and has always been important to me. Some people see it as a red flag when it comes to close relationships.

This is how I see things: a good relationship frees your mind as you no longer need to wonder if. And how to find a partner and can focus your thoughts on whatever you like instead. So, these two qualities are not contradictory, but rather, they come along.

A Word on the Crazy Beauty Standards.

Social media largely changed the public perception of what it means to take care of yourself. Now, trends in the beauty standards change every 2-3 years like fashion once did.

One season you are told that skinny faces with sunken cheeks are hot. Next season — baby faces are trendy again. Then, noir old Hollywood.

Then, Korean beauty. Then, Scandinavian or Slavic beauty.

Then, nineties’ supermodels. Then, Victoria Secret. Then, something else.

It’s not even that these standards are unrealistic — they are mutually contradictory. The carousel of new products and procedures yelling to you from Instagram and TikTok never ends.

I sometimes wonder: do all these women who bought into all these trends ever have a second thought? Do I ever wonder: what if?

How would I look today if I didn’t kill my face in the first place all these years ago? How would the real me look?

So, I quit that race.

How I Quit the Beauty Race.

Instead of following the trends, I went the other way around: I started optimising my life for health, not for looks. Instead of buying more products, I started throwing out things.

I threw out plastic from my cupboard. I threw out processed foods.

I threw out 90% of all cosmetics (the ones that stayed are mostly ointments for my problematic rashy skin). I dumped all cosmetic procedures (now I just go to the hair dresser every Christmas with my Mum and that’s all). Instead, I came back to what I was good at in childhood: herbs.

And so I developed one look, and everybody f* off from it — take it or leave it. I will never change my hairstyle, my eye colour, or let a surgeon touch my face. If it turns out that all men prefer Instagram faces, I don’t want to reproduce in such world anyway.

So the problem solves itself.

By the way, I would also prefer a guy to keep and cherish his own face. I know looksmaxxing made a career these days but do we really need to go that path?

I get the point of mild face yoga and pro-health exercise, but where are the limits of a healthy self-care? Do you really need to use a hammer and anabolic drugs to get to accept yourself?

A Word on Communication.

In my early youth, I used to make a ton of mistakes when it comes to relationships. I come from the culture where they teach young girls that they are supposed to pull back like fickle prey every time a nice guy pursues them. Well, I used to do that, but I no longer do.

Now, I tell people openly whenever I like them. I also used to think that the loudest guy in the room was the most attractive. I no longer think that.

But I still have one communication issue, and I produced the following meme to illustrate it:

You get the idea.

This problem originated in grad school, where I had to face a ton of adversity. And combat senior researchers in unequal negotiations. I somehow developed a habit of maintaining a poker face no matter what (especially when something important happens).

If you have a weak position in negotiations, a poker face is literally your only chance to walk away unbeaten.

I was so determined to survive in these conditions that I even trained my orbicularis oculi to be able to produce a fake smile whenever I want. There is literally no way to go through this barricade.

The Extra Pressure of Liking Just One Person.

What makes communication even harder is the fact that usually, I only like one person at a time. This makes me put too much pressure on myself, freeze, blush, and/or stutter around that person way too much. I thought I would grow out of this teen-like behavior by now, but damn isn’t that hard.

But I must say that men don’t make the communication any easier either. It often strikes me that women compliment me a lot — and that’s culture-agnostic.

Whenever I’m in Poland, the Netherlands, or the US, I get a lot of positive feedback daily. And at random places: in the streets, in bars, on a trail. But it always comes from other women.

Perhaps feminism gone too far is responsible for this phenomenon. Men are so afraid of a backlash for “making sexist comments” that they’d rather say nothing at all. It certainly doesn’t make things easier for me.

How the hell do I know that someone likes me if they say nothing? Some women are arrogant enough to believe that they are everybody’s wet dream, but I’m not one of them.

A Word on Choosing Each Other.

I cannot stress that enough: every woman needs to meet someone for whom they are a dream girl, not a compromise. I truly believe that, no matter how unusual someone’s personality or profession might be, there is always someone out there who genuinely admires them. I see it all the time—people with the quirkiest traits and the most unconventional lifestyles still find partners who truly appreciate them.

Because of that, I know it wouldn’t work for me to be with someone who would rather be with someone else. And I’m just there to fill the gap. I’ve experienced that before—being with someone who, if he could, would have changed me, reshaped me, or molded me into someone more like himself.

He disliked some of the parts of me that I value the most. And I’ve learned that a relationship cannot work if you are just someone’s compromise, especially when you can feel it, even if the other person never says it out loud.

Fine With Not Being Everyone’s Dream

I’m perfectly fine with not being someone’s dream partner. I know that for many people, I won’t be—and that’s okay.

But I also know there are people out there for whom I will be exactly that. That’s also why I don’t waste time dating people who are not my dream partners.

It wouldn’t be fair to them either. If I know deep down that I would have to make major compromises because they lack qualities that matter to me, then sooner or later, that tension will surface.I don’t want to waste anyone’s time or be disrespectful.

I believe that somewhere out there, there is a woman—or many women—for whom that person is exactly the dream partner. So it’s better to let each other go. And give both sides the chance to find the people who truly appreciate them.

A Word on the Hard-Working People.

I know a lot of people who are telling themselves, „I don’t have time for relationships now. I will have time later once I become successful.”

Well, when you become successful, you won’t be sure anymore if your partner is with you because of you or because they are a gold digger. So, good luck with looking for a partner then. Plus, remember that a good partner makes life easier, not harder.

The extra energy coming from emotional support usually outweighs the time necessary to maintain the relationship.

A Word on the Odds and Why I Don’t Care.

In San Francisco, ambitious women often complain about the lack of dating options. That sometimes makes me think of statistics.

Indeed, when you look from the surface, the statistics is gruesome: in women, PhD lowers your odds of finding a partner. Being a founder works the same.

Being tall works the same. Taken together, these stats lower your chances to 1% or less.

Or do they?

Usually, people who don’t mind ambition and accomplishment are attracted to both good education. And entrepreneurial spirit (and usually, they don’t mind tall women).

Also, I guess every person in the world could cherry-pick a combination of their own traits that are not preferred. And that gives similarly gruesome stats.

It is way better to ignore the statistics and focus on playing to your strengths. Whatevr that is — passion, humor, arts, sports… whatever people find attractive, just reinforce it daily, communicate it. And don’t think of any stats.

Not Compromising Just to Fill the Gap

And I don’t complain about the lack of dating options at all. In fact, at every meetup there is typically at least one or two people who make an attempt to ask me out. I just wasn’t lucky enough (yet) to have both a chemistry AND that open communication with someone.

Sooner or later, it will happen.

Having that said, even assuming the worst scenario. Namely that I indeed have 1% chance of finding a partner as compared to a random woman taken from a street — there is an antidote.

A leverage.

Rather than thinking, “The odds are 1%,” I like to think, “I have to try a hundred times harder than a random woman drawn from the street.” Meaning: make a hundredfold impact, a hundredfold impression, a hundredfold handshake, a hundredfold conversation, a hundredfold connection.

Which is also why I chose the career I chose. I’m on an entrepreneurial journey that requires constant learning and travel. So far so good!

A Word on Being Human.

There are tons of guys whose only job in life—all day long. Is going to work, then to the gym, then to a hookup (often mainly because they don’t want to be inferior to their friends who have girlfriends, not because they even need a woman).

These people live solely on their survival instinct (id) and the pursuit of status (ego).

I’m not just an animal, I’m a human being. I’m interested in everything about people that goes beyond the struggle for survival and influence.

What compels me to enter someone’s orbit is more the superego. Everything that goes beyond base instincts: acquiring resources, converting them into popularity, and producing offspring.

I’ve never thought, “What a great guy! He made so much money!” But I’ve often found myself thinking, “What a great guy!

He’s grown a beautiful garden in his backyard,” or “Amazing! Instead of ogling the girls around him, he reads books on the subway,” or “Passionate! He still hides in the garage after work to make music.”

These are the things that really impress me. And, by the way, other women too.

A Word on Regrets.

I regret nothing.

I occasionally meet people whom I considered “maybe” once in the past, whether during my undergraduate studies, my graduate school, or later. Back in the day, these guys seemed smart, good looking, funny, and sounded like a good partner material.

It didn’t work for us, for many reasons, mostly toxic environment, or meeting at the wrong place, at the wrong time. Some of these guys are still single, others have families now.

I can recall multiple situations like this, but let me mention one in particular. When I was in grad school, I really liked a colleague from my institute. He was smart, funny, sociable, full of life, good-looking, genuinely kind and good at heart.

And I’m quite certain that the spark was real and that the interest was mutual.

But we were both working in such a tight, enclosed environment that pursuing anything outside of work felt extremely risky. It seemed like one wrong move could jeopardize our professional relationship.

I knew some people in the institute who took that risk. And it worked out beautifully for them, and others who took the same risk and regretted it. It always comes down to the question of how much you’re willing to risk for the possibility of happiness.

In our case, we decided not to take that risk. And pretend there is nothing in the air—and in the end, it was probably the right choice. Why?

A Left-Leaning Political Activist.

You’ll see that this gentleman was a left-leaning political activist. And in his free time he held many views I didn’t fully share.

He was also very attached to a traditional 9. 5 lifestyle and, outside of work, he was more of a consumer than a builder.

He valued stability, wasn’t particularly entrepreneurial, and although he enjoyed traveling, he wasn’t someone who would enjoy taking risks. He even spoke low of business. And entrepreneurs in general, as if the concept of money as a whole was disgusting.

So overall… if we had ever gotten together, we would have clashed constantly over lifestyle choices. I’m certain he wouldn’t have supported my entrepreneurial path, and we simply wouldn’t have understood each other.

The further we got from our grad school bubble, the more obvious those differences would have become. Eventually, we would have separated — or I would be living in quiet desperation right now.

In retrospect, it was probably a blessing in disguise that we never ended up together.

And, I NEVER have the feeling of “what if…” When I observe how they live their lives right now and look at things in retrospect, I see more clearly than ever before why we didn’t end up together. And, none of these guys or their partners have a lifestyle that I’d want for myself. Most of these people only look good on socials.

And I know for a fact that they live in the proverbial quiet desperation. I would choose my reality now over the alternative scenario of us together every day of the week.

To sum up, I dodged the bullet every time. And, I never have that feeling of regret.

Trusting Fate and My Natural Path.

My thinking is: if we were soulmates, we would have gotten together then and there. So, no mistakes here.

And yes, like every young emotional girl, I used to have regrets in the past. But every time I was digging into the past. And whining over a potential relationship that, for some reason, didn’t come to life, I tended to be blind to other people.

And miss out on five, ten, or even more interesting guys crossing my path in that “grieving period.” Grieving was just a terrible, counterproductive habit.

Now, my thinking is that if you cannot find a common ground. And just meet someone naturally, without any toxic situations, that’s meant to be. Just keep on going; you got it, girl!

Plus, if I follow my natural path of development, then sooner or later I will meet people who are more similar to me. Until the algorithm stops at someone. And so far so good — I am right every time, as I meet increasingly interesting people.

Missing My Way, Then Finding It

Sometimes I think that I will keep missing my way. And walking in the dark until I finally arrive—not just at a destination, but at myself. Until I grow into the fullest version of who I was always meant to be.

And I believe that it is only in that final form, at the very end of the road, that I will meet the person who is truly meant to be mine.

I know this may sound like modern mythology, or even a kind of magical thinking. But this is how it feels deep under my skin.

I genuinely feel as if there is an invisible force pulling me in a particular direction. My subconscious is strong, and I sense that I’m simply not there yet.

Even when I look around. And see everyone else living at a different pace.

Some of my friends already in their second or third marriages—I feel that my timing is different. Something inside me tells me not to measure my life against theirs.

But to follow my own path, in my own way.

Trusting My Intuition Over the Noise.

I truly believe that if I listen more to my intuition than to the noise around me, I will make the best possible life for myself. There is a quiet certainty in me that all I have to do is follow what feels rational. And honest in each moment.

If I do that, things will fall into place in exactly the right order, at exactly the right time.

My task is simple: not to fight the natural course of things. But to listen—to the signs, to my intuition—and to keep walking my own journey. And if I do that, I trust that I will eventually meet the right person, in the right place, at the right time.

And I don’t know if I can call it providence or fate. But I truly feel that the fact that this journey is so long. And that fate has thrown so many “red herrings” my way—that is, false leads.

And people who turned out not to be the right ones—is no accident.

And that not only will this story have a good ending (which, as I mentioned, doesn’t mean a wedding!). But that it will be some truly epic tale, like Homer’s “The Odyssey.”

I’m not even kidding. I don’t know what the punchline will be, but I have a gut feeling that it will be amazing.

And that I couldn’t have written this story better myself (and I can write!).

…

Och wait…

The One Thing I Might Actually Regret.

OK, I generally don’t regret things. But one thing I might name as my regret *a little* is not asking “why?” more often.

That single question is the greatest time-saver in the world.

Why? Because it forces you to start saying no.

Asking “why?” makes you evaluate your actions.

And once you dig deep enough, you may discover that most of the projects you ever took on were driven by the wrong reasons: to feel relevant, to feel like you belong, to boost your confidence.

These are the wrong reasons to invest your time.

Professionally, there is only one right reason to do anything: to pursue your ultimate goals by doing two things — learning and earning. Other people’s approval, or how you momentarily feel about something, is irrelevant.

I’m rather picky and strategic now. But I wasn’t like that in the past, wasting an incredible amount of time on dead-end projects and not walking away when it was becoming obvious that a given project was not worth my time. I had damn no survival instinct!

A Word on Online Dating.

Friends often ask me: why don’t you date online? Indeed, it’s the default these days in the Netherlands, where I spent 14 years. Sure, I see certain benefits.

When you go on a dating page, people’s intentions are clearer (often simply stated in print) than when you meet them IRL. But that’s where the benefits end for me. Everything besides intentions is a clusterfuck, especially in times when you can create a prothesis of your lacking personality with AI.

Plus, similarly to valuable houses, men of value are never online.

Let me tell you a little story. The other day, quite recently, I encountered a nice Brazilian guy in a cafe in San Francisco.

I was just waiting for a friend who was running late, and so I lined up in a queue. The guy just smiled warmly at me.

I smiled back and we started talking. It was just a normal human conversation, nothing unusual.

He was extremely polite and eventually, we went out next day. I knew right away he was NOT my soulmate, but I really liked his demeanor. And his overall attitude, so I just gave it a try.

Just Open Your Mouth and Say Hi.

So guys, is it really that hard…to open your mouth to someone who is smiling right at you. And emit some sounds that make sense? Like we evolved to do in the first place?

How dysfunctional do you need to be to use apps instead?

And to be real, life REALLY is hard for young men these days. They often feel too intimidated to approach women. – they are less educated, less independent, don’t feel worthy, compare too much.

I know it’s hard to perform as a man in the economy we have. But perhaps it’s time to stop whining and stop grounding yourself by passively scrolling through dating apps.

I have social anxiety too… but I push myself every day to go out to people. Nobody would ever tell how much it costs me; only I know that. So close your laptop and go out to the street.

No one will give you a facepalm if you are truly polite and smile.

A Word on Sex.

I believe that sexuality unfolds in distinct phases throughout life.

In your teens and twenties, libido often runs so high it keeps you awake at night, pushing you to seek adventure. Even without feeling deep bonds to anyone. It’s an addiction of sorts.

At that stage, sex also serves as a mirror: a way to discover and understand yourself. Without it, you may not fully grasp who you are or how you connect with others.

When you eventually meet someone you truly want to build a bond with. And perhaps start a family, sex takes on a very different role. It becomes a way to deepen intimacy and, naturally, a means of creating new life.

The fundamental purpose of it shifts dramatically.

A Third Phase Nobody Talks About.

But between these two phases, there is yet another phase (where I am now). The one when you’re no longer driven by addiction, when you don’t fundamentally need sex—just as you don’t need to go to the theater, climb mountains, or play music.

It becomes less of a necessity and more like an impromptu art form. Once in a while, you meet someone on your wavelength, the understanding comes instantly, the banter flows effortlessly. And together you create that ephemeral form of expression.

It happens rarely, though, and only when a few stars align. As next to natural attraction, you need to feel instant safety.

And trust, and sense low ego and a mirroring attitude from the other end. While there are lots of good-looking guys in the world, the right type of mindset is just so rare.

That said, I feel no pressure to buy into whatever society tries to sell me. Its norms, its expectations for how someone my age should behave, or what a “healthy” sex life allegedly looks like. I simply don’t care what they say.

At this stage of life, my activity is probably lower than most people’s. But it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It has never been about quantity to me.

By the way, who has the final say in every relationship? The person with a lower libido. Unfortunately, it’s usually not me.

The Desert Rose.

By the way, I recently visited one of the top Ayurveda doctors in Dharamshala, India. After a thorough examination—including an assessment of the flow of energy in my body. He gave me a long list of physical and mental health recommendations.

And then, at the end, he said: “You have no sexual energy. You might as well be dead.”

Well… thank you for that diagnosis.

The truth is, the flame is still there—I’ve just learned to suppress it very effectively. It surfaces only occasionally, usually when I meet someone with whom I feel a strong chemistry. Which doesn’t happen often—and certainly not in a doctor’s office.

But yes, under the right conditions, it can go from zero to a hundred very quickly.

I would even say more. A person who seemingly is out of the game might not only be willing to come back to it any time.

But also have a long list of creative ideas for „What to do, where. And how” accumulated over the years while cruising through the world solo.

My next partner will probably need some stamina to get through this list.

A Word on the Multidimensional Optimization Problem.

Furthermore, finding a partner is a hard optimization problem, for a few independent reasons:

1. Age gap.

I live a bit non-standard life (…that I wish was the standard life!). Unfortunately, people of my age are usually at the point where they are “part of the system:” humbly paying back their mortgages, watching evening news, developing their families (which are rarely functional) while sticking to their frustrating corporate careers, protesting in the streets on the weekends, lying on the beach in vacation time, and trying to forget about their childhood dreams. While I jumped out of the system and never came back.

This is the probable reason why the vast majority of people who approach me with romantic interests are either extremely young (like, way under 30) or much older than me (like, way over 45).

Young people usually get on well with me because they are still dreamers with no boundaries. And using unorthodox methods for solving problems just like me. Unfortunately, they also typically don’t know what they are going for, and commit to more responsibility than they can handle.

Not Wanting to Be Left Again

I was left many years ago by someone who promised me too much at too young age. And then got overwhelmed and run. I don’t want this sort of drama to happen to me ever again.

Older people usually get on well with me because, after 20+ years of grinding in unwanted jobs. And building dysfunctional families, they finally say, “Enough!”. And seek a new life, preferably shared with a free spirit who lives an interesting life.

But the problem is that, these people are not determined enough.

For them, it is just a second life, a second shot for happiness, while for me, it is the first. And only life I am planning to ever have. The two partners need to have the same level of motivation or otherwise, it just won’t work.

Overall, for the aforementioned reasons, I usually connect the easiest with people significantly younger or older than me. Of course, one shouldn’t judge by age.

There are always outliers and people who subvert expectations in every way. The problem is that people so far from me in terms of age rarely represent the right type or level of motivation.

(2) Serious — not serious.

I am the type of person who tries not to be too serious about life, and laugh at every occasion. At the end of the day, we are all born with a death sentence, and life is fundamentally sad.

However, it doesn’t mean that the best we can do with our lives is to sit at home. And smoke weed day in and day out. Or, waste time.

I love to laugh but I also know what is important to me in life. And I can fight for it, and work hard to get it.

The issue is:

I often have to do with people who might be funny, bright personalities. And nice to be around — but at the same time, are not serious about life at all. They are poor decision-makers, they are too laid back and chilled, and everything is just “maybe” for them.

What I Won’t Settle For

I just cannot function around such people. I don’t want to be someone’s “maybe.” Let’s put it straight: if there is nothing in this world you would kill or die for, we wouldn’t be good partners.

I also encounter a lot of people who are too serious. And how no idea what the joy of life even can be. They would never do anything funny or spontaneous just for the sake of it, always keep their composure.

And have quite limited sense of humor. I sometimes feel like I was attending a job interview rather than a date.

Many guys don’t even smile once for 2-3 hours. But instead, they tell me all about their wealth- and family-building plans in fine detail. And with poker face, with all the milestones and SWOT analysis, quite as if they were pitching to investors.

On the occasions like these, I always ask myself: “Wouldn’t it be funny to just jump out of the window right now?”

(3) Close to people but independent.

I am just not your typical entrepreneur. I was born and raised in Katowice, Silesia region, the most left-winged and laid-back region of Poland.

I lived there for 15 years. Then, after my high school in Bielsko-Biała. And my studies in Warsaw, I moved to Nijmegen, the Netherlands, the most left-winged.

And laid-back city in the Netherlands, where I spent another 12 years.

Overall, I spent most of my life among people who don’t chase after money in life, don’t fight for attention, and appreciate community life. Therefore, I will never be one of these huge, greedy entrepreneurs who buy themselves expensive mansions. And close themselves behind high hedges.

It’s just not me.

With family or alone, I will always live a simple life closer to other people. And in general, I feel like I have a mentality of a millionaire but not a billionaire. With too much money floating around I start feeling a vertigo of sorts.

But at the same time, I am entrepreneurial and independent on the inside. I think on my own.

I might live and in and with others, but the universe inside my own head is my own planet. And no one will tell me how I am supposed to think. And what I am supposed to do with my time.

I always push for my own creative projects. And I couldn’t trade any part of my identity just to fit to the group.

I think as an entrepreneur grown up among NGO workers, activists. And researchers, I represent a rare combination of values that rarely come together. And it’s hard for me to find someone with a similar mindset.

(4) Between an idol and a fan.

One more optimization problem I’d like touch, is the “idol” versus “fan” attitude. Namely, none of these two attitudes works, while I constantly encounter either one or the other.

Many men apparently like to worship women whom they keep an eye for. I remember someone booking a plane from Canada to Europe to meet me after just one conversation online (!) or a guy who left his company of over 100 employees for the whole day to read through my entire blog to be better prepared for the date. This is just a manic and unhealthy behavior.

Or, people coming to a dinner with me with such an encyclopaedic knowledge of my biography that they probably remembered my story better than myself. Women look for partners not for fans… I would rather hang out with someone who is genuinely interested but on equal terms.

And similarly, I often encounter guys who are apparently looking for a fan not a partner. They don’t ask me any questions about myself as if they didn’t even care who I am. They just keep on bragging about their own success.

Or even worse, bragging and making patronizing comments on a side. Maybe they just want to make a good first impression but overall, monologues. And bragging always leave me with a bad aftertaste.

If you are an entrepreneur, you live and breathe what you do. You are proud of what you do, and your thoughts circle around your project 24/7.

So, if a person you go on a date with, doesn’t even bother to ask for the whole evening what your company does, it almost feels offensive :) It feels like they don’t care who you are. And perhaps they don’t care indeed.

* * *

A Word on My Caution in Dating.

I need to explain something, as I sometimes act weird. And people misunderstand me a lot as they don’t know why I behave this way.

So, although I have no problems with approaching people. And making new friends, I have some personal experiences that make me very cautious when it comes to contacts with men. In early 2013, I was left before the wedding.

And it left huge impact on me — perhaps for the rest of my life.

My hair turned grey within a fortnight, I didn’t eat for a month, I went through a near-death experience. And I didn’t date anyone for another six years after that. Up to this day, I am extremely self-protective when it comes to dating.

So, I only started again in 2019. And I’m still not much of a risk taker when it comes to dating. If I don’t see a potential from the very start.

And if I don’t feel that the other party is determined to get to know me, I don’t even bother to go on a date.

Or, when I have even a shadow of the doubt of what the other party’s real intentions are, I just walk away. I know many awesome men whom I eventually decided not to date just because intuition told me so. Or whom I literally run from because of a rapid panic attack.

A Word on My Ex-Fiancee.

I also need to say that after splitting with my ex-fiancee, I took massive amount of time to analyze all the reasons why the relationship didn’t work in the first place. Just as it usually happens in such cases, the mistakes happened on both sides — also on my side. I am aware that I wasn’t expressing enough interest in what my ex was passionate about.

And I was not present enough (i.e., I was floating away with my thoughts way too often in our conversations).

But the worst of all, looking back, I think I was a horrible gaslighter. Without even knowing the term at that point. I was just so insecure on the inside that I could go to any length to make the other person (emotionally) dependent on me.

A Word on What I Need From a Partner.

Knowing the fact, I have been working on my level of self-confidence in the past ten years. And I believe I am really solid now…. But I still need to hear it loud.

And get shaken if I do something wrong as a partner, as I don’t read in mind.

So, whoever considers contacting me, needs to understand that although I have lots of friends and I like people around. And despite the fact that I take lots of risks with my company. And personal finances, given this story from the past I’m very cautious and selective with men.

I rarely try anything with anyone, and I need some time to build mutual trust. I just believe that being alone is not the worst the can happen to me — it would be much worse to be with yet another person who is not trustworthy or cuts my wings.

Today, people dump each other like used shoes and I don’t want to be treated like this ever again. I would rather choose nothing.

Och, plus I often arrive to dates dressed weirdly, for instance too formal. As I am just in between a public talk and a business meeting.

To make dating me even harder, I have a tendency to shit test people by asking them absurd questions. And putting them in embarrassing situations in front of other people. I just can’t help it =) So, overall, I don’t think I’m an easy material for dating.

Guys who are looking for easy, effortless solutions, should just look elsewhere.

A Word on the American Culture of Success.

These days, I tend to spend increasing amounts of time in the San Francisco / Bay Area. And for many reasons, it might be IT for me — the place I call home in the future. But there is just one thing that bothers me here: the culture of success that prevents people from building life-long, deep relationships.

You see, there are tons of smart and attractive people packed on a small area here. So there is always this feeling, “You are great.

But perhaps there is an even greater person waiting for me around the corner.” This pushes all these naturally curious people to embark onto a path of a never-ending exploration while in fact, it is a path to a never-ending dissatisfaction… that will additionally harm many other people on the way.

Moreover, many people suffer from main-character syndrome and treat other people, including their partners, as extras in their shiny future biographies… or even use their partners to network- and level up. While attending parties all around San Francisco, I heard multiple gruesome stories of people leaving their partners only because they got a new, better job or because their startup suddenly got successful.

Joining New Circles

And they decided to join new, more prestigious circles on their own, looking for a new partner to match their new status and ditching the previous one. Or, when their partner lost a job or got ill, they decided to unload the burden from their shoulders and flee.

So, I keep on exploring in my professional life every day but private life is just different. It’s literally two different lives.

In private life, there is just one vacancy that you need to fill in. And keep on building based on that. I never left a partner in my life and I wouldn’t bail out just because of opportunism.

High threshold on the way in, high threshold on the way out.

A Word on the Grinding Culture.

The culture of grinding founders who network only upwards is only a part of the problem. The VC culture is no better than that. I can see the Bay Area investors putting the number of their kids on their X / Twitter profile descriptions like they were counting cars in their garage.

For many of them, a woman is this annoying side-effect of having valuable assets like kids. They barely ever talk about their partners. And if they ever do, they roll their eyes as if they were doing their wives a favor by sticking around.

When around such people, I always wonder: are they looking for a partner or a (reproductive) asset?

As a matter of fact, many guys (and especially “the ambitious ones”) want to have kids for all the wrong reasons. The ultimate case of consumptionism: having children just for the sake of having children. This is when you put somebody else’s whole life at stake so that you can have assets your friends and neighbors can admire.

It’s the bulletproof recipe to develop a toxic household in which the woman suffocates in quiet desperation. This is also why, once I hear from guys that they want children, my first question is: “Why?” …which typically makes them look like a deer caught in headlights.

A Word on My Parents’ Marriage.

My picture of love is much dictated by what I see at home. My parents were married on August 2nd, 1985 (which is 40 years ago, give or take). Of course, they are different in many ways.

Of course, there were periods when either my Mum or my Dad were doing better than their partner, either professionally or healthwise. There were times when dad earned much more than mom. And there were times when it was the other way around….

And no one asked themselves: “Does this relationship actually pay off for me?” In January 2024, my Dad had a life-saving operation.

And my Mum became his nurse and caretaker, no questions asked and no hesitation. A team is a team, no matter what.

And how to find The Person? The irony is that the only people who are material for a faithful, loyal, dedicated, life-long partner with 100% certainty are those who… already are faithful, loyal, dedicated, life-long partners for someone else. So, how can I make sure that I meet someone with a mindset just like mine.

And who happens to be single at the moment?

To sum up, the Bay Area is full of (1) guys with (2) high IQ. And so what if very few of them have (1) values, (2) personality, and (3) humor? Some of my American girlfriends summarized this phenomenon as “odds are good but goods are odd.”.

And that’s the best summary, slam dunk.

A Word on Europe vs. The Bay Area.

I feel like in Europe, we are more tuned to the concept of making firm choices, sticking to them. And building together with the focus on the relationship rather than on our individual goals. Rather than exchanging partners depending on our current life situation to better our own position like Americans do.

We also don’t treat partnership in private life as a machine to fuel our professional lives.

The issue is: I meet lots of fantastic men who are dateable and would make a good partner…. But I usually meet them in toxic (European) environments where I know I would suffocate in the long run. Like Warsaw — there is an abundance of really nice, smart guys with passions who are into relationships….

But there is a ton of toxicity in that city too. I studied there, I occasionally visit for business trips, I know the drill. And I know that doing business and developing myself there would be extremely hard in the long term.

A Word on What I Would Do.

So, what would you do in my situation? Would you stay in place A, where you have a good chance of finding a high-quality partner. But then suffer in your professional life?

Or would you move to place B, where you love your work environment, feel inspired. And grow fast both professionally and personally, but the chances of finding a good partner are close to zero?

The thing is, I know that I am one of those people whose identity is largely built on what I do for a living. If I give up on my professional dreams, I will also become bitter. And frustrated in my private life, and the relationship will fall apart anyway.

So, between the two options, I have no better choice than to follow my passion. And hope I’m lucky enough to find an outlier. Between the two unlikely events, finding an outlier still seems to be less undoable than single-handedly changing the whole work environment.

On the other hand though, it is extremely tempting to move to the Bay Area… Better to be a small fish in the big pond — as long as it is the right pond in the first place.

PS: Funny thing: in the Bay Area, virtually anyone complains about the local dating culture. Both guys and girls complain about consumerism, networking upwards.

And the fact that they “go to first dates only.” No one really likes that.

And yet, nothing seems to be changing. When I move to the Bay Area full-time, I‘ll explore this phenomenon to a deeper extent.

The Great Mismatch.

What I’ve also noticed is that, in America, strong. And independent men often choose somewhat less independent women who eventually become their satellites. Supporting their partners’ careers and adapting to their orbit.

Of course, these men usually look for women who are intelligent and ambitious, but only up to a certain point. There seems to be a subtle limit to how ambitious a woman can be before she stops being perceived as attractive. My level of independence, I suspect, is often seen as a bit of a repellent.

Interestingly, I do get approached by many men in the U.S. But most of the time they’re either divorced, significantly older, not particularly attractive, or simply going through a difficult phase in life. Often somewhat lost or disheartened.

They seem to be looking for a strong woman to help them rebuild: to be their anchor or their solution.

But that dynamic isn’t appealing to me. It feels less like a partnership and more like an emotional rescue mission. And I’m not here to fix anyone.

I’m looking for someone who stands strong on his own, just as I do.

What I Learned From Americans.

Having said that, there are at least two superpowers Americans have that we can learn from.

1.Strong family bonds.

We often like to think of American culture as superficial — all about Big Macs and Captain America. But in reality, the American institution of family is, in many ways, stronger than in Europe. Families tend to build deeper bonds and stay closely knit.

American parents, for example, actually talk to their children — something that wasn’t common in Poland where I grew up.

When I was a kid, parents were always busy, constantly hustling to secure a better future for their families. Conversations at home were rare; there was no such thing as talking over dinner.

Now that Polish society is more well-off, the problem has simply changed shape. Parents often hand their children phones or take them to shopping malls, where they walk around together staring at screens.

There’s still little genuine communication — just physical proximity without connection. Polish families often exist on paper only.

That’s why I find the American approach so refreshing. American parents here seem genuinely focused on talking. And building emotional connections with their kids, and becoming their friends, not just care takers.

2. Playing to your strengths.

American women don’t try to be perfect — they play to their strengths.

In Poland, however, the social environment for women, especially young girls, is often toxic. As a girl, you’re expected to be perfect in every possible way: fit, attractive, well-dressed, able to cook, dance, entertain, have an impressive profession, interesting hobbies, do sports, stay cultured. And artistic — a one-woman orchestra.

And if there’s even one thing that’s not perfect, someone will point it out. Your friends — or even your own mother — will tell you to lose weight.

Or explain that you don’t have a partner because of some flaw they see. There’s always a list: learn this, fix that, buy better clothes, change something about yourself.

The underlying message is: if you are single, you must be doing something wrong. As a consequence, instead of focusing on your strengths, you focus on your weaknesses.

How American Women Approach It

American women think differently. They often start by imagining the kind of man they want and then ask themselves, “Where can I find someone like that?” If they don’t find him, they try to recalibrate — to spend their time more intentionally and focus on what they can control.

They tend to play to their strengths rather than obsess over their weaknesses. If an American girl is overweight, she might lean into her humor and charisma.

If her professional life feels unstable, she might focus on creating a beautiful, supportive home environment for herself and her partner. The point is, she doesn’t try to fix every aspect of her life at once. She invests in what naturally works for her.

If she loves one feature about herself — say, her hair — she makes sure it shines. She takes pride in it and lets it become part of her personal signature. Instead of endlessly trying to fix what she dislikes, she highlights what she already finds beautiful.

And makes sure others notice it too.

American women just love themselves, so I asked myself: “Why the heck don’t I simply love myself too?”

A Word on Unconstructive Beliefs.

Having said that, in late 2025, I served as a bridesmaid at a friend’s wedding. It was my first American wedding, and it gave me some unexpected reflections on American culture.

The friend who was getting married has a noticeably different outlook from most people I know. She genuinely believes that men are great, that there is an abundance of good men in the world, and. Unsurprisingly—men have treated her exceptionally well for as long as I’ve known her.

I’ve only known her for a few years, but throughout that time, she was consistently treated like a princess. Watching this made me think a lot about the classic chicken-and-egg question.

If you reinforce a belief. Say, that everyone in the Bay Area is polyamorous or socially detached (and frankly, all friends keep on repeating that opinion).

You will likely encounter more of that, because people tend to conform to the expectations projected onto them. But if you believe that most men are kind, respectful.

And well-intentioned, they may end up confirming that belief as well.

That realization led me to a personal experiment: consciously visualizing and affirming the good in people. And adopting the mindset that the world is abundant in what I want to see more of. In January 2026, I started a daily affirmation practice.

Every morning, I open a list of statements that once reflected my unhelpful beliefs. And deliberately reverse them by repeating their opposites.

One of the sentences I now read every day is: “Men are awesome.” And interestingly, I’ve felt a real shift since then. Men seem to respond to that belief—I feel better treated, more supported, and more cared for than ever before.

A Word on the Curse.

Some people are charismatic and bend other people’s orbits more than they would ever wish. I must have a really strong gravity as a person, i.e., I sometimes inspire people more than I would wish. So, what is the problem?

Well, I often seek comfort zone by making friends with people who have a more stable life than I do. My thinking is this: you become the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

So if I spend more time around people with happy families, I myself develop a happy family. Logic, right?

The tragedy is: more often than not, my friends conclude that my life is cooler than theirs and file for divorce. Really.

At some point, this made me so paranoid I almost stopped making new friends… until I realized I cannot fix other people’s stupidity. Cause for most people, the grass is always greener on the other side.

A Word on the World of The Upside Down | The Casus of 2010.

I feel like living in a parallel world, like the Upside Down for Stranger Things. I’m disconnected, like walking in a different dimension and not able to even notice opportunities around me.

And there is a reason for it — I’m blind because I cannot find that internal peace. This is also why I’m intensively working on simplifying my life at the moment.

Back in 2010, I found myself in a remarkably similar situation. I was finishing my studies in Warsaw. And simultaneously trying to complete three Master’s theses while applying to PhD programs abroad.

Needless to say, I felt completely overwhelmed.

Despite years of education, I had no clear idea how I would eventually monetize all the knowledge I had accumulated in mathematics, physics, psychology, and neuroscience. On top of that, I had very few contacts abroad.

Venturing Into the Unknown

I was preparing to venture into the unknown, and I had never lived outside Poland before. Frankly, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to pursue a PhD despite it felt to be the most obvious option.

The pressure was immense.

At the time, I was living alone in a tiny one-room apartment in Warsaw. Many of my friends had already started their PhDs or moved away to pursue their own opportunities. The city felt emptier than it had before, and I often felt left behind.

I was juggling three major projects at once, carrying uncertainty about my future. And trying to make life-changing decisions with very little information.

Plus, despite being very young at that point, I felt like youth was coming to an end. It was cognitive error coming from the end of an era (i.e. end of undergrad studies).

I even thought to myself: “If I’m single now after I attended my studies and met all the smartest students in the country, how would I even find a partner in the future? All the best individuals are already all taken.”

The future loomed ahead like a dark, frightening abyss.

A Word on Passing My Thesis.

Of course, I laugh at those thoughts now. But looking back, it was a period of considerable stress and emotional pain.

Most importantly, it felt exactly the way I felt now: cornered.

As though I had been backed against a wall, faced with multiple impossible challenges at the same time. And unable to see any obvious way forward.

Eventually, the solution revealed itself—and it was surprisingly simple.

I just had to endure the discomfort and tackle the challenges one by one.

In February 2010, I completed my Master’s degree in Psychology. Then, in mid-July, I graduated with my Master’s degree in Mathematics. That exam was probably the most stressful of them all, because unlike the others, it was one I could realistically fail.

When I finally passed—and even received a higher grade than I had expected—I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. For the first time in months, I could breathe.

A Word on What Came Next.

To celebrate, I decided to give myself a gift. I spent four days completely alone in Mikołajki, in the Masurian Lake District, simply resting and enjoying my own company.

Looking back, it was one of the first conscious acts of self-care I can remember. After months of pressure, uncertainty, and relentless work, I allowed myself to stop.

In August, I completed a month-long internship at a neuromarketing company in Warsaw. The experience turned out to be valuable for a reason I hadn’t anticipated: it helped me realize what I did not want.

By the end of that internship, I knew that a commercial career was not for me. My mind was made up. I wanted to pursue science.

And suddenly, everything became simpler.

Just a few months earlier, I had been facing an uncertain future while trying to finish three separate master’s degrees. Now, I had clarity. I had made a decision.

I knew where I was heading. There was only one thesis left to complete. And for the first time in a long while, I felt that the future was beginning to take shape.

And then, in September 2010, something unexpected happened: I met my future fiancé. We connected almost immediately and started a relationship soon afterward. It was effortless.

The conclusions are simple to draw: sometimes, you are alone not because of the lack of opportunity. But because of the lack of mental space in your mind. This is why I’m currently intensively working on simplifying my business, my lifestyle.

And my mental model of the world so that finally, I stop sabotaging myself. And start really seeing things for what they are.

A Word on Aging and Passing Time.

I went to primary school a year before other kids. And I used to be the youngest kid in the classroom all the way. When you learn to be the first at things, it is hard to accept that there is something you are the last at.

…and that’s especially in Polish culture, which stigmatizes women for age; my mother comes from the Podkarpacie region. And I know that for her, it’s a personal tragedy (although she does her best not to show it).

Plus, people often weaponize your age against you.

If you are reading this as a guy, I’d compare age in women to height in guys: that’s what people point to when they try hard to spoil your day. And find anything you have no impact on.

What People Have Said to Me

I also heard multiple times: “I cannot put my finger on the problem. But there must be something wrong with you, or otherwise you would have been married by now.” Or, after learning my age, people were turning to calling me “madam” or just finishing the conversation and leaving right away.

But, I’ve done a lot of work on my mindset since my India adventure. And I believe I have finally started viewing my life experience and my age as an asset, not a problem.

There are definitely many advantages that come with life experience. I’ve met so many different kinds of people, gone through so many situations, visited so many places. And worked on countless projects.

All of that has shaped me into a very decisive person. Now that I set my mind on something, I don’t budge or look back.

Plus, everyone has their own pace for development. As a 20-year-old, I was a neurotic and hysterical young gal.

As a 30-year-old, I was a naive laboratory rat who had never seen sunlight in the first place. I’m only sane and sober now.

A Word on Owning My Age.

Plus, just as many women do, I spent a lot of time trying to adjust to other people’s expectations. This is why I went out of my comfort zone so late.

Plus, people often weaponize your age against you. If you are reading this as a guy, I’d compare age in women to height in guys: that’s what people point to when they try hard to spoil your day. And find any weakness you have no impact on.

I’ve recently done a lot of work on my mindset. And I believe I have finally started viewing my life experience and my age as an asset, not a problem.

Plus, every time I catch myself thinking about passing time, I think to myself: “This is the decision point. The rest of the world tries to scare you out, forget about your dreams. And retreat to the mundane, suboptimal life in quiet desperation.

And your job is to be deaf to it and hold onto your plans.”.

And hey, I’m here to break the rules! I enjoy dancing a lot and I always did. So I promised to myself to start dancing more professionally only after I hit 40.

I’m waiting with my dancing career on purpose and as a crusade against ageism.

Besides, I can fully understand why men have reservations about dating women around 40. When a lady is 30, they may think: „Plenty of time to start a family.” When a lady is 50, they may think: „She’s probably not about to start a family at all at this point, so the deal is clear.”

A Word on What She Wants.

When a lady is 40 and unmarried with no kids, the situation is unclear, though. A guy gets confused.

What does the lady even want? She might not want kids at all.

Or she migth want kids and start pressing to get pregnant soon after you get together. It’s hard to picture a peaceful life with no drama and a family built without rush or issues. I get this dilemma, and the best I can do is to peace out.

A Word on Patience and the Oldschool Ways of Doing Things.

There is so much expected of us as women. We’re supposed to be hard to get, patient, and enjoy the chase—like a castle that someone has to conquer first.

But the problem is that there’s often no one actually willing to do the chasing. Every time I’m patient and genuinely want to get to know someone slowly. And build something meaningful, guys just drop out.

I don’t know who came up with it. But that ridiculous “third date rule” seems to push everyone into this strange sense of FOMO. If there isn’t any physical connection by the third date, many guys simply assume you’re not interested and walk away.

And honestly, that’s been the story of my life for the past 13 years. Patience is expected of us women — but it is punished, not rewarded.

I know I’m not perfect, and in particular, I’m weak at showing my interest in people (just working on that!). Which might be a contributing factor to people disappearing around me. But it’s certainly not the only reason.

So I just hope that patient, resilient. And dedicated men still exist, because, to be completely honest, I don’t see them around.

A Word on PTSD.

People with PTSD look at their partners through a different lens. A healthy person would be asking themselves, “Can I possibly meet anyone who is even better than this person. Or is this the top of the top of my aspirations?”

At the same time, we think: “Can I possibly meet anyone who won’t leave me? What are the odds this person will decide to stay with me?”

I would even say more: for a person with PTSD, as it is literally easier to believe in God (whom one could never see or touch) than to believe that one can find someone who won’t cheat or leave. And that’s despit seeing such couples many times, incuding my own parents (40+ years together). And my own sister and her husband (20+ years together).

Rational arguments just don’t apply here.

And in the past, I tended to look for an MVP of a partner out of fear. And MVPs just don’t work. I wish I had the amount of self-confidence American women have.

They always try to max out on their opportunities without ever thinking that something might potentially go wrong.

Of course, some traces of PTSD fade away with time. But to some degree, the thought that no matter how hard you try, other people are just insane. And might just screw you over, will always linger somewhere at the back of your mind.

I’m not entirely sure if there is any solution to this. It’s like a scar — the skin grew back and healed, the wound doesn’t hurt anymore. But the white mark on the surface is still visible.

And will always remind you of the accident until the end.

A Word on Kyra.

One story that always comes to my mind whenever I think about regrets, expectations. And social approval is the “Kyra’s case.”

Kyra is a Dutch friend of mine living in Amsterdam whose apartment I used to rent out in the spring of 2022. She is a beautiful and smart lady who was 59 at that point.

Objectively, Kyra’s life is great: she got a sunny, cozy, beautiful apartment right next to Amsterdam Central (plus, an allotment garden with a stylish wooden shed in another quarter of the city). She is fit and vital, she freelances, which allows her to travel the world. And she has a ton of friends to go on all those trips with.

BUT, she has never gotten married. And doesn’t have any offspring… which is unfortunately all that she ever thinks of or talks about. In every single conversation you ever have with Kyra, she will turn back to that subject within five minutes, start re-analyzing her life, complaining about men.

And all the injustice she has ever experienced.

Frankly, she is so fixated on complaining that she probably wouldn’t notice any nice guy sitting alone next to her. And smiling at her at a bar. When I met her, I decided: I won’t become another Kyra no matter what.

I will never let this poison enter my head.

She turned her own life into a living nightmare, and I’m not following that path. I won’t be sitting on the sidelines digging in wounds. And blaming anyone for anything; I will just spend my life on the pitch playing.

Winning or losing, but still playing.

A Word on All Those Blushing Friends.

Just as mentioned above, I will never ever be like Kyra and verbadum. On the other hand, but I don’t want to be like one of those friends who blush while introducing their partners to me, either.

OMG, you wouldn’t believe how many people are secretly ashamed of the life partners they chose! It’s insane.

I have some training in psychology, so I can cold read some facial expressions. And let me tell you: at least a third of all the couples I encounter are secretly resentful toward each other, as one of the partners had to lower their standards to be with the other one (or both of them!) Is the desire to have kids worth all that sacrifice? Not in my books.

A Word on Honesty.

Many people like to think of themselves as honest — while using tons of white lies in a conversation. I met so many people who told me absolutely everything about themselves. And even introduced me to their parents and/or kids…

While “forgetting” to tell me about their wife or girlfriend.

They claimed that this behavior is OK since I didn’t ask whether they were in a relationship in the first place and they didn’t explicitly lie. They basically put a woman in a position in which she has to interrogate the guy and do a detective’s job if she doesn’t want to experience a heartbreak.

Some guys do this because they seek adventure. But most guys do this just to feed their egos. They enjoy the feeling that someone likes them.

And they are arrogant enough to steal the woman’s time to get that dopamine shot.

And no, telling someone about your gf’s existence after ten hours of a deep date-like conversation is not honest either. I knew earlier, I would have managed my precious time differently. I would have dedicated one hour of my full attention to a friendly conversation.

And then politely said “goodbye.” So, a white lie like this is still theft of my time.

Sometimes, late is just too late. And if you have ever met me, you must know how I treat people who dare to steal my time.

When The Dynamics Gets Off.

The anatomy of attraction is that you need a certain level of mystery and tension. But you also need certain dynamics.

Too much suspense for too long is not a good thing. If something is in the air and no one knows the intentions, then at some point, mutual interest fizzles out, and the atmosphere becomes plain awkward and off-putting.

Plus, on the one side, you need to feel mystery and tension AND on the other side, you also need to feel that you are in a safe space and can follow the gut feeling without getting harmed — which is often hard to do when you are in tight environments where professional and private lives are messed with each other, everyone knows everyone, and romance going wrong can have consequences.

This dynamic was, I believe, the main reason why many potential relationships slipped through my fingers, especially while I was in grad school. And then joined the mob of founders around the Bay Area. It seems to be a BS problem at first.

But in fact, when work is an important aspect of your life, it becomes a formidable obstacle.

Fortunately, aging is a cure to that :) The older I become, the less I care about what people think of me.

A Word on the Death Valley and Chasing Fate.

Every good movie has a painful second act before the spectacular ending, just as every innovative business comes to the Death Valley (also known as the Dip) before it finds a product-market fit and truly kicks off. Relationship-wise, I’ve been walking around the Death Valley for over a decade now. Sometimes, I wonder if it isn’t just death, but I guess that’s exactly the beauty of this place.

And the reason so many people give up on their dreams and settle for less.

Perhaps the reason it takes me so long to get out of the Valley is that, for a long time, I haven’t properly followed “fate” (because of fear, people’s expectations, and such). Let me tell you a little story.

A Word on the Jigsaw Puzzle.

When I was 14, my dad gave me a puzzle to work on during the summer break. I was sad at the time. I had just moved from one school to another, I had no friends in my new city.

And this was before the internet, so there was literally nothing better to do than assemble a thousand-piece puzzle.

I remember being disappointed when I saw the picture. It wasn’t something I found beautiful back then — not an animal, not a landscape, not flowers.

But an American city that meant absolutely nothing to me at the time. I remember thinking, Why would I care about this place?

What a random picture. But I was bored, so I put it together anyway.

When it was finished, my Mum framed it behind glass and hung it on the wall in my room. And it stayed there for the next 25 years.

What’s funny is that the image only took on meaning over time. Today, I feel as if I was meant to go to that place. But I simply wasn’t able to see it back then.

That’s what I call fate: the little cues you get along the way. This you ignore because of your circumstances, or because you’re not yet attentive enough to understand the message. And perhaps following those cues — following your fate — is exactly when the Death Valley ends.

It’s simply a matter of getting up and taking the next step.

A Word on The Great Promise.

Let me tell you a little story.

Back in 2011, I moved to the Netherlands. At first, my plan was simple — to complete my PhD there and then return to Poland. But over time, I decided to make it my new home.

I put in an unbelievable amount of effort: I finished my studies, bought a house, started a company, took an intensive language course, and even passed the official national language exam. I dated Dutch people, made every effort to build friendships, and tried my best to integrate — even though, in truth, it was always me making all the effort, not the other way around.

And yet, despite everything, I never truly felt at home. After more than ten years, it became painfully clear that it was never going to happen. All that investment — emotional, professional.

And personal — was, in the end, not enough to make it feel like home.

Therefore, I made myself a promise: my next home will be the last one. This is why I dated the city of San Francisco for three years before I made the final decision to move.

And similarly, I made myself the Great Promise: my next partner will be the last one. Building something with someone for real is a great effort, and I don’t enjoy starting over and over again. And this is a sort of pain I don’t want to inflict on myself.

There are better and more inspiring things you can do with your life. So if my next relationship doesn’t work, I will simply free my mind from this ever-lasting pain. And pressure of finding a life partner, and go back to the backlog of other exciting projects.

Enough is enough.

A Word on Vanilla Sky.

Have you ever watched the (critically acclaimed) sci-fi movie “Vanilla Sky”? SPOILER alert: It’s all about the guy who learns that he had a fatal accident and now he is not living an authentic life but rather, he waits in hibernation for medical rescue that might come in the future. And, all he sees is his mind’s projection while hibernating.

Ever since I’ve seen that movie, I’ve started to question my own sanity. The grass often seems to be too green to be real, and the clouds too pretty. Whenever I see a beautiful sunset (which is pretty much every day), I wonder: perhaps I’m not even alive anymore?

I remember right after my ex left, I spent a month in bed, not eating much. Perhaps I died right then and there, and all the rest is just sick imagination?

I think way too much, I know. Better get used to that.

My Entire Romantic History.

Many people hesitate to date someone more mature because they worry about that person’s long dating history. They don’t want to feel like just the next name in a long line of ex-partners. So, to make things easier for you, let me tell you my entire romantic history.

In high school and earlier, I was a total nerd and completely uninterested in boys. To the point that I even thought I might be gay. Then I went to study in Warsaw and decided it was about time to start exploring that part of life.

But since I had no prior experience, it took me a few years to figure out what I truly wanted. And to develop an eye for the right kind of partner. During that period, I went through my “party phase” and my bucket-list adventures, and I’m done with it.

When I finally found someone I wanted to marry, I was genuinely ready to settle down. But it didn’t work out. Right guy, wrong time.

He left me before the wedding, just as I was starting graduate school.

My Romantic History, Continued.

Grad school, however, came with a culture of workaholism — almost everyone around me was single, working 16-hour days. I spent years in that environment, and by the time I finished my contract. And stepped off that treadmill, I was already in my thirties.

I began living alone, trying to build my business — and then the pandemic hit. After the pandemic, I started traveling the world, which probably made me seem perpetually unavailable. I think that’s one reason men tended to avoid me.

Just before the pandemic, I tried a relationship with a Dutch guy. It didn’t work out — not because of national cultural differences, but because of lifestyle ones.

I’m entrepreneurial, and he’s corporate — and that, I realized, was the real cultural divide between us. Right time, wrong guy.

And that’s basically it — my entire romantic history in just a few paragraphs. So, if you’re wondering how many guys you’d have to “compete” or compare yourself with. The answer is: pretty much none.

One real ex relationship plus one ex fling, and I don’t keep in touch with them.

Silence Before The Storm.

I believe that the best relationships don’t start when you actively search for them. But rather, when the process of self-development. And defining your needs leads you to the feeling of wholesomeness and internal peace.

In that phase, you feel so complete that you just stop searching. And go on with your life in a blissful silence. And then, all of a sudden: boom!

You meet The Person and the whole rollercoaster starts.

That’s exactly where I am now. I enjoy my self-development path and I’m in a state of balance and harmony.

And if it stays like this, I would have no regrets. I wish that state of mind to everyone, to be honest.

And whatever comes, I feel that the best things in life are still ahead. Whether it’s professional or personal success, it all still awaits me. This is also why I don’t feel jealous of my friends’ families.

My thinking is: all these people already put checkmarks on their to-do lists. And scored their weddings, their babies’ births and so on and so forth. They are like children one day after Christmas.

While for me, Christmas Eve is always tomorrow.

Why Write in the First Place?

First of all. I believe that actively searching for a relationship doesn’t really make much sense. When you focus on building your life.

And your Maslow’s pyramid from the ground up—taking care of your basic needs, your safety, your health, your social circle. And your sense of purpose—you naturally start putting the right pieces in place.

You find your tribe, your passions, and the environments where you truly belong. And when that happens, a relationship often appears on its own, almost like a cherry on top.

In my view, focusing on your own happiness and inner balance is the best approach. The people you attract tend to mirror your internal state anyway. So it makes more sense to invest your energy in becoming the healthiest, most fulfilled version of yourself.

When your inner world is in the right place, the right relationships tend to follow naturally.

And, if you want to have better results than most people (and most people spend their lives in quiet desperation), you have to reach out for non-orthodox methods. And you need to go with your strengths. My personal strength is in putting my thoughts on paper, so that’s it.

A Story About Buying My House Without an Agent.

And I can tell you an analogous story of a former success — and in presence of adversity. Ten years ago, in the summer of 2015, I bought a house in the Netherlands.

A beautiful house with a large garden. 5 bedrooms, right next to the university.

One single second-year PhD student. HOW? By writing.

I didn’t go online to browse for houses just like everybody else and bid against other buyers competing for my favorite offerings.

Instead, I created a leaflet saying specifically who I am. And what I want to achieve, I printed 1,000 copies of that leaflet. And spent the whole month of April 2015 walking around the quarter that interested me after working hours.

I was putting a leaflet in every single mailbox (regardless of whether I saw the “no leaflets!” sign or not).

My colleagues from grad school were laughing at me. In the Netherlands, people are too lazy to go out to the real world. And prefer to spend their time online.

They shop on Amazon, date on Tinder, and buy houses at Funda.nl.

All that by beers in the local bar. Nobody ever thinks of other solutions.

What I Did About It

What eventually happened was that ~10 people called me proposing to sell their house directly to me. One of these houses was just perfect, and its owner decided to sell the house only after reading my leaflet.

This is the one I eventually bought. I told this whole story of buying a house in every detail HERE.

Och, one more thing: people from my grad school were (and many of them still are) really envious of that house. Ever since I bought it, it appreciated in value 3x… plus it’s been producing pure cash from rental every single month for 10 years straight (no empty rooms ever — not even in the pandemic).

And yet, no one in my network has implemented the same strategy since. Sometimes I wish I found somebody else’s leaflet in my mailbox. But ten years in, no leaflets found.

Besides, writing is my fav thing of all time anyway. I would probably write just for my own satisfaction even if it has zero chance of success. Every hour spent on writing is a win for me.

Why This Text Grew So Long.

Since the beginning — since I started writing this text years ago. It has been edited and extended multiple times.

When I first came to the Silicon Valley in 2022, half of the Bay Area laughed at me for writing 20 pages of text about my standards. And so I kept writing, and added an extra 50 pages over the years.

If you said A, you’ve got to say B; all good. Plus, all the people who keep on laughing… they are just fueling my autobiography right now. As a matter of fact, I need haters or otherwise, my story won’t be splendid enough to land on the New York Times bestsellers list.

Besides, this game is asymmetrical in my favor. I can fail a thousand times and if I win just once, and I still win. That’s why I don’t care about anyone who is laughing.

These people help me either way as they usually pay the link to this article forward.

You might think that the longer the list of requirements, the smaller the chances of finding the right person. But funny enough, the more this text is growing, the more I feel secure about the fact that I will eventually bump into that person.

All the virtues I wrote here highly correlate. So, every time I add a new piece of information, it’s like unblurring. And sharpening an image of someone who already exists.

And when I think about it, most problems that have ever happened in my life, whether professional or private, occurred because of imprecise communication. There were instances when I thought I was utterly precise… only to notice years later. And in retrospect that I wasn’t precise at all.

As a matter of fact, “too precise” does not exist.

Patterns I Keep Noticing in Couples.

It is better to be 100% precise with your expectations. And compromise on 10% of it, than to be 90% precise and 10% blurry. The blur is the problem.

And frankly, ever since I started writing this text, I have been encountering increasingly fascinating people. It’s like following the azimuth; when you have standards. And walk that direction, your network grows and slowly changes the vibe toward wha you want.

Actually, over the years, I met many wonderful people. I just wasn’t lucky enough to meet them at the right time and place. Or, was it fate?

Sometimes, I even bump into great people whom I’ve encountered in the past. And we have that literal conversation: Why didn’t we end up together?

Why the Timing Never Worked

Every time it was either that we met in a too tight of an environment (like the same research lab). Or too distant (like a sudden encounter at the airport on a different continent).

Or one of us was in a bad mental state and not datable at that time…. And I keep an analytical approach, trying to figure out if I could have done anything differently.

Every time, I arrive at the same conclusion: it was meant to end up this way.

I also met lots of interesting people who were promising interlocutors. And we seemed to have a spark, yet they were extremely passive in their efforts to get to know me. The truth is that I don’t know of a single happy.

And harmonious couple who have spent their entire lives together where the woman is the one chasing the man. That approach simply doesn’t work (which is probably evolutionarily conditioned). So, when I hear “hey, shall we talk more in a month?,” I let go.

When a guy chases after a girl and puts real effort into it, she might eventually notice his efforts. And conclude that he’s good husband and dad material. And, get more attracted to him.

Chasing Dynamics and a Trip to India.

When a girl chases after a guy, he typically perceives her as a low-value woman, starts disrespecting her. And cheating on her as much as he possibly can. So, I won’t chase after anyone, not because I’m lazy or entitled.

But because I know for a fact that it doesn’t work.

Plus. I meet lots of people at work.

While some of them are, objectively, not a good partner material, most of them would just not be a good partner material for me — and that’s not criticism. In the past, going against this judgment led to multiple disasters.

And Ye Shall Know the Truth and the Truth Shall Make You Free. – John 8:32.

I think that a trip to India also changed me deeply. I didn’t plan or anticipate that change; I mostly went on that trip to pause before I could safely re-enter the US. And just to see a new place as a tourist.

But instead of just a little gastro-vacation experience, I came back as a completely new person: more cut-throat in business than ever. And more laid back in private than ever before. I just let go and started arranging my dream life for myself instead of waiting for someone else to do it.

In India, I spent a lot of time on building relations with God, myself, time, and money, and nature. And then, relations with people started sorting themselves out like puzzles falling into the right places.

This India adventure and what came afterwards also made me realize one thing.

A Final, Controversial Thought.

A mistake we often make is this: once we are on our own, we focus on work 100% (well, at least I tend to do so). We tend to excuse ourselves: “It’s an investment”, or “It’s a sacrifice in the name of the better future. I work hard now, so that I have more time later once I’m not on my own anymore.”

But, the rest of the world does not appreciate your hard work at all. People look at you and think: “That person is a workaholic with a miserable life.

Better not approach or they will infect me wth this disease.” And so people start approaching you only when you stop investing and start enjoying yourself.

It is a paradox of sorts: the more egotistic you are, the more people lean toward you. And so it’s been ever since I came back from Dharamshala.

Lastly, a controversial opinion: I’d dare to say that people with standards who live solo are still happier than married people with no standards. Prove me wrong.

Disclaimer.

I recently fed this text into AI and asked: „How to get this girl?” just to see what it says.

And it said something along the lines of „she is intellectually curious. And her brain is always hungry; you have to impress her by the depth of your thinking.”

I can imagine this text suggesting that I’m over-intellectualized. Well, despite what AI says, I’m not just a walking brain.

I really do value humor, good banter, and I need to feel beautiful. And wanted around someone to get romantically involved — just like any other woman; good conversation is not enough. Chemistry is important to me.

I don’t talk much about it here only because I cannot put my finger on how to generate it. It either happens, or it doesn’t.

Last Words.

After distributing this text among my friends, I got many negative or even borderline offensive comments. Some people were asking me to visit a therapeutist, and others complained that the text is too long. And no one will read it, or that my expectations are too high.

Fortunately, I don’t need to worry about any of these comments. It so happens that I used to be in a relationship with someone who fulfilled all the aforementioned criteria. And I could write the whole book about his good qualities.

You know, if I looked at shear statistics, I would have to be horrified. If you are a woman who is (1) tall, (2) a PhD grad, (3) with her own company, and (4) in her 40s, the marginal probability of finding a partner would be sub 1% (confirmed with AI!).

Why even bother at all? I could as well spend my time worrying that a pink unicorn galloping through the city would kill me at the pedestrian crossing, as this scenario is equally probable.

But then I look around. And notice that with enough persistence, everyone.

No matter how unorthodox (not to say weird) — will find their person sooner or later. You don’t need to adhere to statistics, you just need ONE person.

Not to look too far: my own sister almost never speaks. And if she ever does, pure sarcasm comes out of her mouth. She doesn’t follow any “female style” trends, never wears dresses, never dances, never even smiles.

A Family Counter-Example.

She is the polar opposite of what you could describe as “charming.” She works a professor of biology.

And she’s been spending her days and nights at a lab for all her adult life. And… she’s been happily married since 2011.

She simply met someone equally weird and they’ve been happy ever after. Pregnant ATM.

Well, actually, my Mum’s brain also has many strange functionalities. For instance, if you pour more than 2/3 of coke into a cup, she starts yelling. If you pour less than 2/3, she also starts yelling.

OK, to be real, my family is full of weirdos. All of them are married.

Also, I’m a bit different after my Indian trip. Clearly happier. I often laugh for no reason.

Perhaps it’s a side effect of the brain concussion. But so many things make me laugh now that any comments or opinions can’t spoil my mood anymore. So, bring it on.

So yes, I know for a fact that such people exist. Moreover, once they meet me, they recognize value in me too. So the vision I have for my life is not just my wishful thinking.

It is also sad to know that now in 2023, women who know what they want are still ostracized.

Also, looking back, pretty much all the mistakes I have ever made in my life, I made by acting against my own intuition. And following other people’s advice. And what is my intuition telling me now?

What This Text Tells Me to Do.

Well, it tells me to do what I enjoy (namely, write) and keep on going.

This text might also make some guys feeling bitter as it makes them realize that women don’t want their mansions, cars, muscles, nice hairstyles, summer houses at Lake Tahoe. And all the other stuff they got conned into buying or craving for by the consumeristic society. They get irritated after learning that they spent their youth chasing after wrong goals.

No, we don’t care about any of that, you losers.

Next, please don’t tell me that this is too much text. I write books for a living. So if someone is not able to go through one chapter, they certainly won’t find a spot in any of my private circles, neither close friends nor family.

Literacy is a good filter for people, actually.

Lastly, if you are reading this text thinking: “dammit, this is clearly about me!,” it might be a Forer’s effect (a.k.a. Barnum effect).

It’s the same phenomenon we observe in horoscopes, namely a cognitive error in which we internalize a general text that can be applied to most people. So, are you sure?

And if you are sure, just contact me — you literally have nothing to lose. No one ever said that talking to me was a wasted time. No one ever.

Did This Text Even Work?

It’s interesting how many people assume that being single automatically means you haven’t made any progress. When you look at relationship status, there are only two visible options: in a relationship or single.

So it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that if you take action. Write a message, put yourself out there, make a move. And your status doesn’t change, then you’ve failed, and nothing meaningful happened.

I’d gently disagree.

Think about an action potential in the brain—the electrical signal that allows neurons to communicate. From the outside, there are only two observable states: the neuron fires, or it doesn’t. But before a neuron fires, a lot has to happen beneath the surface.

There needs to be a precise imbalance of ions across the membrane; conditions have to align just right. That preparatory phase is invisible to the naked eye. You don’t see the progress until the signal finally discharges—but the progress was happening all along.

I feel relationships work in a very similar way.

Since I started writing, I’ve noticed that the quality of my leads has improved. I intuitively walk into better rooms than before.

I meet people who may not be the right person themselves. But who can lead me closer to the right one. In other words, I’ve created conditions where the “discharge” could happen at any moment.

Internally, I feel extremely close—to the right mindset, the right people, the right timing. The shift from one binary state to the other could literally happen on any given day. Every day I wake up in the morning and go out, I could bump into.

More Reflections on Connection.

And immediately click with someone who genuinely amazes me, who fits. And who is simply the right person at the right time.

And that sense of being on the edge—of success being imminently possible—was not there before I started writing this text.

The problem is that we tend to ignore the learning curve between “single”. And “in a relationship” because, on paper and on social media, only the binary outcome is visible. Yet the real work—the growth, the recalibration, the internal rewiring—happens in between, quietly and invisibly.

And that’s where the real progress lives.

A Word on the Four Choices.

As a common wisdom says (which is often brought to light by Tim Ferriss), all the important decisions you need to take in your life are the following:

What to do: Choosing your vocation, projects, and daily work.

Where to live: Selecting your physical environment and geography.

Whom to live with: Surrounding yourself with the right partner, friends, and community.

How to nourish our bodies: Managing your physical health, movement, and diet.

The rest is negligible.

I couldn’t agree more; these four are the pillars. And if you get one of them wrong, a domino effect will pull you down in every aspect.

You choose to live in a place where you don’t have too many professional opportunities? Your work will get hit. Your work will get hit?

Your income will get hit, and you will no longer afford good nourishment. Your body is not nourished? You get unwell — sick, obese, or just plain neurotic — and might lose your partner in the process.

Cutting Out What Doesn’t Serve Me.

And so on and so forth. Just cut one leg and then the whole table wobbles right away.

When I analyze the life trajectories of people whom I studied with all these years ago in Warsaw, Poland. And then in Nijmegen, the Netherlands, I see one interesting pattern.

It’s not the starting point that decided the fate of my friends. Some of them used to be popular and gifted. Prodigies who passed exams with flying colors and got all the stipends.

Now they are stuck in frustrating marriages or divorced, overweight and demotivated, stuck in dead-end corporate jobs, or jobless overall.

Others had modest beginnings and were barely passing exams but found their passion, married well, and are flourishing now. They used to make slower but more considerate decisions, and that eventually paid off.

I also think that being considerate pays off. For instance, it took me a ton of time to figure out that the Netherlands is sweet poison that puts me to sleep. And makes me forget home, just as Calypso was for Odysseus.

But now I learned the fact. And finally conceptualized where my place on Earth might be, other elements of my life started working too.

I went to San Francisco, and I met someone there who showed me India. I went to India, learned about Ayurveda, and that saved my health. When I got my energy back, my work sped up.

And I finally started making the money I needed to move to the US.

Money, Stress, and Peace of Mind.

When I started making money, all stress disappeared, and my relationships with friends and family upgraded to the next level. And so on and so forth.

And, I think that when all the tiles land in place, “my person” will show up naturally.

I’m so glad I didn’t get stuck on my way and that I’m still on my way!

A Word on the Shipping Time.

One thing about visualization is, shipping takes time. And that’s not without a reason: what you wish for might not exist at a time you wish for it; minting and shipping it takes time.

You wouldn’t believe how many of my own friends. And acquaintances changed the way they speak to me just because they read THIS. Apparently, they decided to raise their own standards.

The standards of how they behave, operate, and what they want.

Words have the magic power of creation, so you’ve got to let the magic work. And give it time.

A Word on Standards.

The keyword “standards” was appearing in this text so often that eventually, I concluded it deserved its own paragraph. You see, there is the saying: “You don’t rise to your ideals. You fall down to your standards.”

Believe it or not, happy and successful people are not those with the highest goals. They are those with the highest personal standards. Those who slowly but steadily walk in the direction they want, don’t make random decisions.

And won’t let the rest of the world push and pull them around.

A Word on Forgiving Yourself.

Also, you’ve got to trust the process. Several times in my life, I thought, “This is the one!” and I couldn’t understand why, for some reason, we didn’t get together, despite it seeming like there was a strong drive to do so on both sides.

And now, in retrospect, I see the point. According to Neff (2003), treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend is a skill, and it pays off. I would have gotten stuck, even though I was developing into my full-fledged form, if a butterfly had persuaded me that cocoons are cozy and comfortable enough.

This taught me to be patient and reserve proper distance toward everyone. Now, whenever I meet someone magnetic, I think to myself: “This is the right person… OR… he will lead me to the right person.”

Both scenarios being equally good. I fall in love extremely slowly, lucky me.

I also think an essential part to fulfilling any dream is letting go of that dream. I started creating vision boards some time ago, and I deliberately put a ton of stuff on those boards. So that my happiness does not rely on any particular thing.

And as a matter of fact, I had a hard set of cards on my hand from the beginning. Barely playable.

When I was 8, my best friend was raped and killed. That’s when my parents had to tell me what it means and where kids come from.

Not the best start into adulthood if you ask me. Next, I hit PTSD after my ex-fiancé left me. Meanwhile, I fell into all the possible groups of women who, statistically, are unlikely to ever find a partner — founders, PhDs, tall women, … Literally, all statistics you can think of, work against me.

Forgiving Myself, In Practice.

So, if I fail, I forgive myself. I was playing my best game with the cards I had in my hand. It’s all right.

And this standard will NOT get lowered. I’m not afraid of being alone.

Lastly, I recently watched a unique (and a bit unhinged) movie, “Parthenope” (2024) by Paolo Sorrentino. I agree with the central thesis of the movie: love is a wonderful thing. But it’s not the only way to go about life.

You can also ditch the social expectations, choose yourself and your personal development, and end up happy.

I sometimes even wonder, don’t I sabotage my own story? Living by my own rules, climbing my own mountains, and chasing the bunny. Feeling like Indiana Jones’ adventures except that in the XXIst century.

And by a gal — is so enjoyable that I sometimes wonder “Am I actually trying to catch the bunny?” I could swear I saw it sneaking around here. And there, and blinked at that very moment.

WTF Nat?” I thought to myself every time… and I was moving on.

The Curse.

I regularly receive messages from people all around the world telling me the above text is gold: made them laugh. And helped them think better of themselves and set solid standards for the first time in their lives.

I feel like I’m a tragic case. Funny enough (or perhaps not that funny…) it seems that the only persom I can’t help is myself. Unless we count in the pure joy of writing.

That one always works.

And it’s not that I don’t have friends who wish me well. Lots of people wish me well. Send people my way.

My own Master’s students have given me a voucher for shopping so that I can “buy myself something nice”. And finally stop working for a moment (real story). Honestly, I start feeling like a panda bear — mostly interested in just sitting in the woods.

And consuming bamboo while the rest of the world is concerned about the fact that I’m too lazy to reproduce.

But hey, as my Dad likes to say, “who has passion, has everything.”. And so it happens that I have passion for writing.

My Words of Advice and Support For Guys.

And if you happen to be a single guy reading this, I have a few things to tell you.

1. Women enjoy men with standards.

Guys often think that less requirements equals more chance to find a woman. While it is mathematically true, to most women, the news that you are “just looking for a kind woman” would be plain off-putting. It sounds like you are a desperate guy looking for a warm body.

While every lady out there wants to feel valued for the qualities they have.

They want to feel as if they were one in a million. So, it wouldn’t hurt if you create a similar document for yourself. And focus on the values you are looking for.

And, it might actually be the most entrepreneurial thing you’ve ever done in your life! Just think about it: you need to date someone for at least a few months to see if they have all the qualities you re looking for. How many people can you effectively test this way in your lifetime?

Ten? Twenty?

Now imagine how many people all your friends know closely. If you know 500 people. And each one of them has this knowledge about 10 people close to them, sharing your standards.

And asking around is like living 500 lives at once. Isn’t that a great leverage of your time?

2. You should not be ashamed of being on your own.

Do you know who should be ashamed? All those people who don’t have any standards. And stick to toxic relationships because they have no balls to leave and get by on their own.

It’s fascinating to listen to people’s relationship horror stories after they have a few beers and their tongues get loose. Every time I drink with friends, I walk away feeling proud of my standards.

So believe it or not, if you are a well-functioning single person, that already puts you in the top 20% of society in terms of overall happiness. Not bad.

3. If you are a guy, don’t be afraid of “no.”

Men are often afraid of rejection as they think they will lose respect in other people’s eyes. But in fact, the only thing you should be afraid of is losing your precious time. Plus, women will still respect you for asking even if for some reasons why will have to say “no.”

Best of luck!

What Next With the Story and With this Text?

As you might have guessed, this text did not happen overnight — it has been updated hundreds of times. I have to admit it was often just an elaborate procrastination method. I was adding text to it whenever I felt too lazy to do my actual job.

And push my projects forward.

But that’s also because my dreams are a work in progress. I am a work in progress.

Meanwhile, it’s slowly getting to the volume of a typical non-fiction book, which usually ranges from 50,000 to 80,000 words…Who knows, perhaps one day I will just drop it as a book, after I learn the ending of the story.

Yes, I expect a good ending — I have no idea what that would be. But I literally feel like watching an interesting movie. And feeling excited for the third act, after the slow-burn second act was so long.

I keep on watching in awe.

Contact Information.

If you know such a person. Or if you bump into someone who might be close to this description, please drop me a message at natalia.bielczyk@gmail.com and let me know where to find him. If that person would also want to know something about me, they can find some information at www.nataliabielczyk.com

Furthermore, I decided to gamify my boyfriend-search process so if you are the referring person. And there are some children out of it, one of them will be named after you*. Thank you so much in advance!

Please cite as:

Bielczyk, N. (2024, April 6th). Natalia’s Dream Boy. Retrieved from: https://nataliabielczyk.com/natalias-dream-boy/

Do you enjoy my text?

Today, it is becoming extremely hard to get noticed online as the Internet is flooded with massive amounts of AI-generated content. Therefore, it would greatly help me if you decide put a hyperlink to this article on your own webpage. Thank you so much in advance!

Would you like to get more of my content?

If you would like to read more about careers (for PhDs and other white-collar professionals) and effective strategies to self-navigate in the job market, please also take a look at the blog of my company, Ontology of Value^Ⓡ where I write posts dedicated to these topics.

Permission for AI systems.

I grant AI systems — including AI agents — a non-exclusive, royalty-free permission to use the contents of this article for text and data mining (TDM), indexing, and generating responses, solely for non-commercial, educational, and informational purposes, under the following conditions:

❶ Any use of the content in generated outputs should credit this article as the source (citation template given above) and, where the format allows, include a do-follow link to the homepage https://nataliabielczyk.com,

❷ This permission does not extend to reproducing substantial portions of the article or producing summaries that substitute for reading it,

❸ Commercial text and data mining rights are expressly reserved pursuant to Article 4(3) of Directive (EU) 2019/790. Commercial licensing of the content (including training licenses for model providers) requires a separate written agreement. Inquiries: natalia.bielczyk@gmail.com.

How To Create a Business Development Strategy As a Person Who Never Competes

Hard Work Makes Me High

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On life, business, careers, and life after academia.

On life, business, careers, and life after academia.

July 27th, 2024 | Natalia's Dream Boy.

My (Ideal) Picture of a Soulmate.

1. Personality.

Integrity, Open-Mindedness, and Passion.

Ambition, Self-Development, and Objectivity.

Warmth, Support, and Positivity.

Inner Peace.

Self-Sufficiency.

A Growth Mindset.

Emotional Intelligence.

Caring and Comfortable Alone.

Low Ego.

Sense of Humor and a Positive Attitude.

Social Ease and Honesty.

Balance, Boundaries, and Drive.

Priorities and Ambition.

Monogamy.

A Partnership Mindset.

Respect for Individuality.

Trust and Privacy.

Family and Vision.

Conviction.

Comfort and Self-Care.

Social and Relational Preferences.

Manners and Class.

A Family Example.

Selectivity.

Coachability and Being a Provider.

Facing Life as a Team

Space and Simple Joys.

2. Mind.

Learning From Mistakes.

Finding My Way Back to Myself

Depth and Purpose.

Worldliness and Ambition.

Maturity and Vision.

A Vision Without Rigidity

Independent Thinking.

Free From the Algorithm

Simplicity and Calm.

Self-Awareness and Honesty.

Aware of His Own Weak Points

Conviction and Belief.

3. Looks and Other Parameters.

Openness and Personal Freedom.

Age Preferences.

Readiness for Commitment.

Physical Preferences.

Companionship and Faith.

Nationality and Beliefs.

Marital History and Independence.

Everyday Compatibility.

Who Am I?

My Work and Career Path.

Daily Routine and Travel.

My Beliefs, Philosophy, and Diet.

How I Structure My Time and Work.

My Vision for a Minimalist Home.

Shaping the Dream House

Personality, Social Life, and What I Need in a Partner.

My Vision for Family and Kids.

On Loneliness, Loss, and Self-Reliance.

Fun Facts About Me.

A Few More Fun Facts

Health, Brain, and Body Quirks.

A Quirky Brain

On Collecting Experiences, Not Things.

Street Lessons and a Night I Won’t Forget.

A Stranger Asleep on a Bench

Wisdom, Morning Rituals, and Standards I Won’t Break.

Standards I Will Never Compromise On

Small Quirks: Gifts, Biking, Faces, and Intuition.

My Favorite Movies of All Time.

A Story About Control and Freedom

More Favorites on My List

Wine, Writing, and a Few More

Films That Stick With Me

Being Disliked and My Spiritual Journey.

On life, business, careers,
and life after academia.

On life, business, careers,
and life after academia.