Where Do This Mental Slump and Melancholy Come From?

A new text, a new perspective this time.

Currently in the exam period, yet here I am, spending the morning praying instead of studying. Not chasing grades, mind you. Perhaps it’s due to a prolonged mental slump, lasting months.

I feel like I’m not firing on all cylinders, that I’m somehow stagnant, mentally aging, and so on. According to Nolen-Hoeksema (2000), dwelling repeatedly on one’s low mood, rather than acting to change it, is itself one of the strongest predictors of how long a depressive slump lasts. In my quest to uncover the root cause, I’ve sought counsel from people I consider wise, consulted doctors to find the source of this weakness, self-examined every angle… but no breakthroughs.

Meanwhile, psychologists, psychiatrists, gynecologists, and endocrinologists couldn’t pinpoint anything wrong. On the contrary, they generally praised my positive approach to life and self-care, assuring me things should be fine. In fact, all my test results are exceptionally favorable.

What’s more, my personal feelings about myself are quite positive—better than before. It’s as if I’ve turned into an embodiment of self-love.

Appearances aside, inside… I sense darkness.

My heartbeat has slowed lately, my emotions are muted, and I don’t experience strong feelings. This morning, in a bid to jolt myself with adrenaline, I contemplated committing a bold theft in a public place.

What and where, I didn’t care. But guess what? Nothing.

I felt nothing. No sparks, no impressions.

Where’s this melancholy coming from? Maybe I’m just burnt out. Yet, when I ponder what that means, I realize my scientific worldview is so wide that I should be at my happiest.

Why Has My Optimism Faded?

I’ve always been an optimist in this regard. My work’s outcome is solely on me, and I’m far from lazy. Most likely, this burnout stems from my interactions with others.

What Have I Learned From Thinking of Relationships?

Today, I’ve concluded that my recent months have been consumed by thoughts on relationships: those between me and others, me and the universe. Previously, I fixated on people to such a degree that I lost sight of being Natalia. The one who exists with a purpose, whose sandbox isn’t confined to family, studies, or friends.

It encompasses everything that exists. Torturing myself over societal roles, my place within it, my connections with specific individuals, whether they should be stronger or weaker, if I’m lagging or excelling… it all seems senseless. For the longest time, my thoughts were dominated by people, people, and more people.

And today, I’ve realized how much I miss the days when I was 17 or 18, when I felt no compulsion to be dependent on anyone. In reality, my worldview back then harmonized well with Buddhist tenets of everyday living; there was a remarkable congruence. Today, as I revisited some cherished old books, I found myself thinking “exactly!”

Courage \ Joy of a Dangerous Life.

Especially my beloved master Osho persuaded me to temporarily suspend my morbid fascination with others. Notably, he penned numerous books, some better than others. Yet, one stands out for me.

“Courage \ Joy of a Dangerous Life” asserts that anyone can be unhappy—sadness demands nothing. In contrast, contentment takes true courage. No doubt about it.

While re-embracing my former outlook might mean risking the omission of something vital, maybe taking that risk is what’s required. The gods have their wisdom, and perhaps trusting them is the key. Ultimately, they’ve guided me safely to where I am, so why not believe they look out for me?

I play numerous roles in nature beyond just someone’s friend, sister, neighbor, and so forth. Maybe it’s time to tend to these roles. The sky is beautiful too, not just people.

Sometimes, focusing on the simple fact of being alive is worthwhile.

The Book of Mirdad.

Today, I also learned about an allegorical story involving a monastery perched atop the same hill where the biblical ark supposedly landed (probably Mount Ararat). This story is expressed through the Book of Mirdad and delves into vital facets of human existence, albeit cryptically. I’m just starting to delve into it, yet I’m already finding it enlightening.

It’s not about higher feelings; it’s about time and space, and managing them in your mind. It’s about the role of humans in the eyes of the gods.

Oh, and a side note: The more I delve into these texts, the more—I can’t help but compare it to my Bible reading throughout my youth. The more I feel that in Buddhist tradition, humans are primarily viewed as beautiful beings, only secondarily as good beings.

In Christian tradition, it’s almost the opposite. The aesthetic aspects of humans are far more accentuated here, which doesn’t bother me.

After all, I find it simpler to discover beauty in people than to define what’s good.

And for those intrigued, here’s the Buddhist version of man’s creation:

”MIRDAD: At the timeless birth of Man two archangels at the upper pole of the Universe held the following colloquy:

Said the first archangel:

A wondrous child has been born unto Earth; and Earth is ablaze with light.

Said the second archangel:

A glorious king has been born unto Heaven; and Heaven is athrob with joy.

1st: He is the fruit of the union ‘twixt Heaven and Earth.

2nd: He is the union eternal — the father, the mother and the child.

1st: In him is Earth exalted.

2nd: In him is Heaven justified.

1st: Day is asleep in his eyes.

2nd: Night is awake in his heart.

1st: His breast is a nest of gales.

2nd: His throat is a scale of song.

1st: His arms, embrace the mountains.

2nd: His fingers pluck the stars.

1st: Seas are roaring in his bones.

2nd: Suns are coursing in his veins.

1st: A forge and a mold is his mouth.

2nd: A hammer and an anvil his tongue.

1st: Round his feet are the chains of To-morrow.

2nd: In his heart is the key to the chains.

1st: Yet cradled in dust is the babe.

2nd: But swaddled in aeons is he.

1st: Like God does he hold of numbers every secret. Like God does he know the mystery of words.

2nd: All numbers does he know but the Sacred One, which is the first and last. All words does he ken, save the Creative Word, which is the first and last.

1st: Yet shall he know the Number and the Word.

2nd: Not till he walks away his feet away from the trackless wastes of Space;

nor till he looks his eyes away upon the dismal vaults of Time.

1st: O wondrous, too wondrous is this child of Earth.

2nd: O glorious, too glorious is this king of Heaven.

1st: The Nameless called him Man.

2nd: And he called the Nameless God.

1st: Man is the word of God.

2nd: God is the word of Man.

1st: Glory to him Whose word is Man.

2nd: Glory to him whose word is God.

1st: Now and forever.

2nd: Here and everywhere.

So spoke two archangels at the upper pole of the Universe at the timeless birth of Man. “

What Does the Book Say About Evil?

And, for the sake of counterbalance, the Buddhist version of the rise of evil, which clearly shows what evil is according to this view of the world:

“At the same time two archdemons at the nether pole of the Universe were holding the following colloquy;

Said the first archdemon:

A whining and a sniveling coward, rather say. And treason is encamped on his brow. Yet terrible is he in his cowardice and treason.

1st: fearless and Wild is his eye.

2nd: Tearful and tame is his heart. Yet fearful is he in his tameness and tears.

1st: Keen and persistent is his mind.

2nd: Slothful and dull is his ear. Yet dangerous is he in his sloth and his dullness.

1st: Swift and precise is his hand.

2nd: Hesitant and sluggish is his foot. Yet dreadful is his sluggishness, and alarming is his hesitance.

1st: Our bread shall he steel to his nerves. Our wine shall he fire to his blood.

2nd: Our bread-bins he shall stone us with. Our wine-jars he shall break upon our heads.

1st: His lust for our bread and his thirst for our wine shall be his chariot in battle.

2nd: With hunger unappeasable, and thirst unquenchable he shall be made unconquerable and raise rebellion in our camp.

1st: But death shall be the charioteer.

2nd: With Death as his charioteer, he shall become immortal.

1st: Shall death lead him to aught but Death?

2nd: Aye, so wearied shall be Death of his constant whining that he shall drive him in the end into the camp of Life.

1st: Shall Death be a traitor to Death?

2nd: Nay, Life shall be faithful to Life.

1st: His palate we shall tease with rare and delectable fruits.

2nd: Yet shall he long for fruit not grown upon this pole.

1st: His eyes and nose we shall entice with bright and fragrant flowers.

2nd: Yet shall his eye seek other flowers, and his nose another fragrance.

1st: And we shall haunt his ears with sweet but distant melodies.

2nd: Yet shall his ear be towards another choir.

1st: Fear shall enslave him to us.

2nd: Hope shall protect him from fear.

1st: Pain shall subdue him to us.

2nd: Faith shall deliver him of pain.

1st: We shall empall his sleep with puzzling dreams, and stew his wakefulness with enigmatic shadows.

2nd: His fancy shall undo the puzzles and melt away the shadows.

1st: Withal we can count him as one of us.

2nd: Count him with us, if you wish; but count him as against us also.

1st: Can he at the same be with us and against us?

2nd: He is a lonely warrior in the field. His only adversary is his shadow.

As shifts the shadow, so the battle shifts. He is with us when his shadow is in front. He is against us when his shadow is behind.

1st: Shall we not keep him, then, with his back forever to the Sun?

2nd: But who shall keep the Sun forever at his back?

1st: A riddle is this warrior.

2nd: A riddle is this shadow.

1st: Hail to the lonely knight.

2nd: Hail to the lonely shadow.

1st: Hail to him when with us.

2nd: Hail to him when against us.

1st: Now and forever.

2nd: Here and everywhere.

So spoke two archdemons at the nether pole of the Universe at the timeless birth of Man. “

Inaction is a Weapon of Mass Destruction.

Fear and nothingness, that’s the essence of it. And inaction. It reminds me of a simple yet powerful song by Faithless called “Mass Destruction.”

The key message is “inaction is a weapon of mass destruction.” According to Jacobson, Martell and Dimidjian (2001), deliberately re-engaging in activity, even before motivation returns, is one of the most effective ways to break a depressive spiral. It’s worth a listen while you’re strolling through the city.

On the topic of facing reality, just last November, I attended a conference in Gent, Belgium. It was the COMA project gathering, where scientists from various European centers came together to explore the brains in coma.

What Happens in the Human Brain During Coma?

The project’s goal is to better understand the limits of human consciousness and address the complex issue of when to disconnect someone from a ventilator. This decision isn’t as clear-cut as it might seem.

According to Lulé et al. (2009), self-reported quality of life in patients with locked-in syndrome, who communicate through brain-computer interfaces, is often no lower than that of the general population. For example, recent studies involving paralyzed individuals who’ve learned to communicate through thoughts using computers showed their self-reported life satisfaction rates at 1.8 on a scale of -5 to 5.

Interestingly, this is statistically similar to that of normal individuals.

According to Schnakers et al. (2009), standardized neurobehavioral assessment found that 41% of minimally conscious patients had been misdiagnosed as vegetative based on clinical consensus alone, underscoring how difficult these diagnoses can be. Truly remarkable.

Overall, I discovered a scientific world where the genuine pursuit of knowledge still flourishes. I get the feeling that Polish studies sometimes dampen my desire to understand the world. It’s more about counting than pondering!

— something like that. And then… memories of high school come back, when we’d sit with friends, sipping tea, diving into discussions about human consciousness and our connection with reality.

How uplifting it was.